The built up of anger inside my body was explosive. That night, I was so furious at my father for what he said to Marcus, I decided I didn’t care that he didn’t accept him. I wanted my thoughts of leaving to become a reality, and I convinced myself Marcus was worth leaving it all behind for
I drove to his apartment after my parents left for the night. I wasn’t entirely in the right frame of mind, I knew that, but I needed to see him. It was only when I was creeping down the street that I came to my senses and realized it was a bad time to be out. There were people all over the streets, and their heads turned to my blue Corvette inching into a parking spot. It was dangerous territory, and I was close to talking myself out of stepping out, but then I saw him with a group of guys just outside his building. He was leaning back against the brick wall, downing a bottle of beer, looking particularly unhappy when he followed the attentive stares in my direction.
It was too late to turn back now.
I stepped out in my flip-flops. I didn’t look impressive like usual. I had plain black tights on and an oversized top. My hair was up, with fallen strands framing my make-up-less face. It was good I dressed down, I realized, as I slowly made my way to him, ignoring the deep stares of others as they scrutinized me.
With his arms crossed, Marcus didn’t move to me once. He just stood there, waiting, that emotionless face staring back at my worried one. The guys around him broke up just enough for me to move within his circle and stop in front of him. Marcus glanced at them, and with that single look, they parted ways entirely, giving us space to talk. I was a nervous wreck, wondering how I could even begin to apologize for my father’s horrendous behaviour and somehow mend us at the same time.
“Hey,” I hesitantly said, trying to smile at him.
He leaned forward and quietly said, “What’re you doing here, Kate? It’s ten at night.”
“I wanted to talk to you about this morning,” I replied. “You said you’d call, and after the whole incident with my father, you didn’t.”
“I figured your old man would be monitoring your phone, and I didn’t want you in more trouble than you already were in.”
“He wasn’t monitoring my phone, and I don’t care about being in trouble if it means being with you.”
Marcus sighed slowly. “Kate,” he whispered, and his voice sounded pained. “I don’t want you sneaking around with me anymore –”
“I know that, and we won’t.”
“But your father was right.”
I stilled, staring at him in surprise. “He was right about what, Marcus?”
“I’m no good for you. I’m a fucking screw-up, and even if I wanted you not to sneak around, I’d have to be the one to do it. With my job and the amount of trouble I’m getting myself into, it’s not safe for you to be around, especially now. For fuck’s sake, it’s late and these people you see around us here aren’t as tolerant as me of people with money. You’re lucky you found me here.”
“I won’t come around here this late again.”
“That’s not enough, Kate.”
I grabbed at his arm and desperately squeezed. “I can’t be without you. We’ve been together every day. How about you just keep coming to me instead? I’m not ready to let you go, Marcus. I can’t. It would break me. I’m already breaking.”
He’d become too much a part of me, and I was willing to admit that. I wanted to. It sat on my tongue, inching its way out.
“I love you,” I breathed out, swallowing a lungful of air at the admission. “Okay? That’s the truth. I love you and I can’t be without you –”
He cut me off just then with a hard kiss. He gripped my hair tightly as he took me in, and I felt like he needed me to say that. He needed to know he was loved. Dear God, in that moment, I wondered so much what horrors he went through to feel this way. When his mouth broke from me, he kept his forehead pressed against mine, looking at me with sad eyes.
“Marcus,” I whispered, and he closed his eyes, inhaling sharply, like he was breathing me into his being. “I’ll throw it all away. I’ll leave it all behind for you. I want all the ugly.”
His hand instantly dropped and he took a step back from me, torn and miserable. I couldn’t understand why he would be. He should have wanted this too.
“I don’t know what to do,” he then said, shaking his head. “You deserve more, and I’d be robbing from you if you left it all behind.”
I shook my head too. “You wouldn’t be robbing me of anything.”
“I can’t trust that’s how you’ll feel in the long term, babe. I’ve seen it before. You’ll start to resent me –”
“It’s not fair to say that. You’re just speculating. It could be the total opposite. I might love being with you more, and isn’t that worth the risk?”
He exhaled, running a hand through his hair. “I wish it was that easy. I’m in a lot of shit right now. You’ve been in the blind where I’ve kept you. There’s a lot you don’t know, and you being here right now isn’t a good idea. You need to go. You need to get out of here before anyone decides to say something to you.”
“Then come with me.”
“I got business to take care of.”
“What, the drugs?” I hissed, feeling angry that he’d choose to deal than come home with me. Didn’t he hear me two seconds ago? I’d just told him I loved him, and that wasn’t easy to do either.
His face darkened as he glanced around us, and then he grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me back to the car.
“It’s more than that,” he gritted out in my ear. “It’s that you’re my fucking weakness, and you being here in front of everyone has revealed that. You need to get in your car and never come back to this place again.”
“And what about us?” I cried out as he opened my car door.
He stopped against me and stared hard at my face. “You need to focus on what’s important right now –”
“You’re important!”
“I’m talking about your classes, your friends, your family, everything else that existed before me.”
“But I need you.”
He sighed heavily. “Maybe I’ll be good enough for you one day. Fuck, I’d do anything for that to happen, but that’s not in my cards, Kate. It can’t happen now. You have to go, and stop having a loser like me drag you down. Your father loves you. He’s doing this to protect you.”