“It seemed like you had your tongue down his throat,” Finn glared at us both.
“Well, then, everything is exactly as it seems,” Loki said glibly.
“Loki, can you give us a moment alone?” I asked. He sighed and looked like he was about to protest. “Loki. Now.”
“As you wish, My Queen,” Loki muttered. He walked past Finn as he left the room, giving him one more discerning glare, but they said nothing to each other. Loki shut the doors behind him, leaving Finn and I alone in my room.
“What were you thinking?” Finn asked, sounding at a loss for words.
“I was thinking that we’re about to go to war, and my mother just died,” I said. “Life is so very, very short, and I… I love him.”
Finn winced. He looked away from me, and he chewed the inside of his cheek. It broke my heart to hurt him, but he needed to hear the truth.
“You barely know him,” Finn said carefully.
“I know,” I nodded. “I don’t know how to explain it. But… it is what it is.”
“It is what it is?” He laughed darkly and rolled his eyes. “Your love must not mean much the way you throw it around. It wasn’t that long ago you pledged it all to me, and here you are – ”
“Here I am married to another man because you wouldn’t fight for me,” I said, cutting him off. “I did love you, Finn. And I still care about you. I always will. You are good and strong, and you did the best you could by me. But… you never really wanted to be with me.”
“What are you talking about?” Finn asked. “I wanted nothing more than to be with you! But I couldn’t!”
“That’s it right there, Finn!” I gestured to him. “You couldn’t. We can’t. I mustn’t. You always took everything at face value, and you never even tried.”
“I never tried?” Finn asked. “How can you even say that?”
“Because you didn’t.” I ran my hands through my hair and shook my head. “You never fought for me. I fought so hard for you. I was willing to give up everything to be with you. But you gave up nothing. You wouldn’t even let me give up anything.”
“How is that a bad thing?” Finn asked. “I only wanted what was best for you.”
“I know that, but you’re not my father, Finn. You were supposed to be my…” I trailed off. “I don’t know what. You were never my boyfriend. You refused to be anything more to me, unless you saw me interested in another guy.”
“I was only trying to protect you!” Finn insisted.
“That doesn’t change anything.” I took a deep breath. “I have been fighting to change things around here, to make the kingdom better for trackers and all the Trylle. And you have been fighting to keep things the same. You are content to live in this ridiculous hierarchy.”
“I am not content,” he said fiercely.
“But you’re not doing anything to change it! You’re just taking it, and that I could live with. You’re willing to simply accept your fate. But you expected me to do the same, and that I can’t stomach, Finn. I wanted more. I need more.”
“And you think Loki will give that to you?” Finn asked, and most of the sarcasm had fallen away from his voice. He actually wanted to know if I thought Loki was good for me.
“Yes, he will,” I nodded.
“And how does your husband feel about all of this?” Finn asked.
“I don’t know exactly,” I said, purposely leaving out the part that I didn’t know how much Tove really knew about Loki and me. “But once everything is settled with the Vittra, Tove and I are getting our marriage annulled.”
“You’re leaving him for Loki?” Finn asked, and now he sounded astonished.
“No, actually,” I said. “Tove is leaving me. He wants to share his life with someone he actually loves, and that’s not me.”
His whole body slacked, and he stared off at the floor. Finn ran a hand through his hair, and I realized with some dismay that I would never again run my fingers through his hair. Whatever had happened between Finn and me, it was over. He was no longer mine.
“I’m sorry,” Finn said quietly.
“Pardon?” I asked, thinking I’d heard him wrong.
“You’re right, and I’m sorry.” He looked up at me, his eyes stormy. “I never fought for you. If anything, I fought to uphold a system that kept me from you. And… I am sorry for that.” He swallowed. “I will always regret that.”
“I’m sorry, too.” I bit my lip to keep tears from falling.
“But…” Finn sighed and looked away from me again. “At least he does love you.”
“What?” I asked.
“Loki.” He said his name bitterly and shook his head. “At first, I thought it was a trick, but I’ve been around him enough now and heard him talk about you.” Finn shifted his weight, seeming uncomfortable with the conversation. “And he does love you.”
He nodded his head, but I’m not sure why. He let out a shaky breath, and I think he was trying not to cry.
“So… I guess I can live with that.” He rubbed his forehead. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go down to finish getting ready to leave.”
“Finn,” I said, because I didn’t want to end things like that.