“You ask questions a certain way, as if you already know the answers.”
“That doesn’t even make sense, Rory, and it’s actually quite rude.”
“I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
Cy frowned. “That isn’t a very nice way of describing someone.”
“I also think you’re a little bit…somewhat attractive, and your eyes are incredible. There, that should heal the bruise on your ego.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
I shrugged.
“You think I’m attractive?” he asked.
“Now, you’re fishing for compliments. Showing off and now this? Now I know you’re a narcissist.”
“What?” Cy said, his voice rising an octave.
I burst into laughter, bending over and clutching my stomach. When I finally stood, I lilted a sigh. “Wow. I needed that.”
“To insult me?”
“No, to laugh. I was f**king with you, Cy.”
His eyes widened.
“I was joking, messing with you, just kidding?”
He nodded, seeming nervous. “Oh.”
I shook my head and patted him on the arm, looking up at the four floors of windows on my dormitory. Most of them were dark. “This is me. Thanks for walking me home and for asking this time.”
He ignored my mention of him showing up at my door.
“You’re never going to explain that, are you?” I asked.
“I don’t think I need to.”
“So, my hypothesis that you followed me after I left the lab is correct?”
Cy didn’t answer.
“Why?”
“I’ve already told you. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“That’s all?”
“That’s all, and for some reason, I needed to see you.”
“Why?”
“Why must you ask so many questions, Rory?”
“Weren’t you just defending the right to learn while in college?”
Cy lowered his eyes and took a breath. “And just like college, some things we must wait to learn.”
“But we learn them.”
He managed a small smile and then fidgeted for a bit before reaching for me. He pulled me against him, and my entire body stiffened.
He held his warm cheek against mine and whispered in my ear, “No one knows everything.”
He let me go and walked away quickly, his hands in his pockets.
The next day in class, Benji sat next to me and immediately began filling me in on everything that had happened since I saw him last. I opened my laptop, ignoring him for the most part and thinking about the night before. It was nice to walk with Cy and to talk about classes and my major instead of the rock. I thought about how soft and warm his skin was against my cheek and how good he smelled.
Benji prattled on, oblivious to the fact that I was clearly preoccupied, and then Cy walked in. He did something he’d never done before. He looked up at me. Before I did anything stupid, like wave, Cy’s eyes drifted to Benji, and Cy’s entire face tightened. Benji noticed, too, and they traded strained glances.
Benji leaned into my ear. “Is it just me, or did he give me a look?”
“It’s just you.”
Cy continued to his desk, and Benji continued with his story about the value of good study habits and his clear superiority over integers.
“Hey…” Benji said, stopping mid-sentence.
“Huh?”
“I can’t help but wonder if that was a glint of jealousy in Cy’s eyes or just curiosity.”
“Neither. You’re imagining things.”
Dr. Z greeted the class and began his lecture.
Before I could even type the date, Benji leaned in again, his brown eyes lit with mischief. “You don’t think I could make Cy jealous? That hurts.”
“What is your deal today?”
His playful expression faded. “I saw him walking you home this morning. Are you guys…”
“That was at two o’clock. Why were you hanging around my dorm at two in the morning?”
Benji puffed out a laugh. “I wasn’t hanging around your dorm. I was running.”
“At two?”
He shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep. Are you avoiding the question?”
“No. We’re not doing whatever it is you think we’re doing. And shh…I’m trying to learn.”
“It’s okay, you know, if you like him. You don’t have to worry about me.”
My eyes met Benji’s. He looked wounded. “I never asked you to like me.”
He shook his head. “No, I know. I just…I will always be your friend. It doesn’t matter if you reciprocate those feelings or not. I don’t need you to love me to love you.”
I pulled my mouth to one side in an awkward half-smile and then faced forward. He loves me? Since when?
Our relationship had been strictly platonic since freshman orientation. At least, that was what I thought. I didn’t know how to feel about that, much less respond.
“Really?” I hissed. “This is how you tell me? Are you serious right now?”
“Sorry, Rory, I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s okay,” I whispered, waving him away. “We don’t have to talk about it now.”
“Fair enough,” he said, his shoulders sagging.
The rest of class, I felt nauseous and panicky, flattered and sympathetic.
“Are we café-ing it today?” he asked.
I just shook my head a few quick times and intentionally didn’t look over to see his reaction. Benji feeling hurt was beginning to affect me in ways I didn’t like or appreciate. I wanted us to go back to being friends, as we were before, but it was becoming clear that we couldn’t. I never asked him to be my friend in the first place or to like me or love me or however he felt about me. Why should I have to take on this guilt when I tried to keep a respectable distance from the beginning? It wasn’t my fault. He was the one who was dishonest. It ruined everything, and now, Cy was finally coming around.
I could feel Benji’s disappointment radiating from his perfectly ironed peach oxford. What self-respecting guy wears peach—even if the color does look amazing with his skin and eyes—or feathers his hair since 1991, for that matter? I fought the guilt with anger, and for the time being, it was working.
Class dismissed, and I took my things and darted past Benji, not even saying good-bye. I wasn’t sure if he tried. I refused to look.