As if reading my mind, Shay added, “I haven’t heard from my brother, Caden, in over three years, so I have no idea if he’s alive or dead.” She paused and glanced down at her hands. “Odd part is, with Caden, I’ve come to accept that I need to forgive myself, too. I was the one who got him involved with Shooter.”
“Shooter?”
“My ex-boyfriend. He’s in prison. Doubt he’ll come out anytime soon, which is a good thing.”
I could see that despite her attitude, Shay had come a long way in the short amount of time that she’d been at the center. “Lilly tells me you’re doing well and I wanted you to know how proud I am of you.”
Shay’s head shot up and her eyes widened with shock. “You are?”
“I had a good feeling that this was the right place for you. I’m glad it’s working out. Do you have any family who will visit you over Easter?” I asked.
Shaking her head, she looked down at her hands in her lap once again. “No…I don’t have any family, well, other than my brother, but like I said, I haven’t seen him in over three years.”
“You’re making friends, though?”
She nodded. “Yeah, I suppose.”
“If you like, I’ll check on you again in a few months.”
“If you want,” she said, shrugging as if it wasn’t a big deal.
Standing up from the chair, I thought it was time I give Lilly back her small office.
Shay stood when I did. “Before you go, I wanted to mention that I saw the woman you mentioned.”
My mind went blank. “I mentioned someone?”
“Yes, the day you dropped me off at the women’s shelter. You said the church supplied one dinner a month and that Linda Kincaid was the one heading up the volunteers for the dinner.”
“Oh, right.” I remembered that now.
“You said I wouldn’t have a problem identifying her, and you were right. As soon as I saw her, I knew she was the one you’d told me about.”
“Did you say anything to her?” I asked. I realized I’d never told Linda about meeting Shay, although Mary Lou, my assistant, might have said something.
“No…I wasn’t sure I should.”
“You should,” I encouraged. “Linda’s big heart matches her height.”
“If I see her again I might say something,” she offered noncommittally.
“I hope you do,” I encouraged. I’d be sure to give Linda a heads-up about Shay so she wouldn’t be taken by surprise.
By the time I left the center it looked like it might rain. Sarah was sure to love that. We’d put Easter decorations out earlier in the week, but I hadn’t had time to dye eggs with the kids. Tonight would be perfect for that, following choir practice. I did what I could to make their lives as normal as possible without their mother, not that it was easy.
This would be the third Easter without Katie. The first two had been dreadful. The three of us had done our best to put on a happy face and pretend all was well. Sarah was the one who broke down first, crying, saying she wanted her mother and that I didn’t do anything right. I comforted my daughter as best as I could. The problem was I needed comforting myself.
For the first time since we buried Katie, I had the feeling we were going to make it just fine. I wasn’t sure I could attribute this sense of well-being to my time spent with Shay, but I decided I would.
I vividly remembered the day we’d met and how I’d felt after dropping her off at the shelter. I’d mentioned how meeting her had helped me. Everything had changed for me and my children after that day.
I collected Sarah and together we left Hope Center. I felt good after talking to Shay. Good for us both.
One year after being released from prison
Sunday morning, I snuck into the back of Drew’s church just as the organ music started to play. The same Nativity scene was in place beside the altar. This was the first time since that day over a year ago that I’d returned to the church. Every time I spoke to Drew, which had been only three times in the last twelve months, he’d invited me to visit his church. To this point I’d never taken him up on his invitation.
Until now.
Having completed all four phases of the program with Hope Center, I was transitioning into the real world, and I admit I was terrified of the future. I’d finished all the program requirements, and applied for and found a job working as a server in The Corner Café. Following graduation, I’d be moving into a tiny house provided by Hope Center. And when I say tiny, I mean tiny. It was minuscule. Just enough room for a bed, a sink, a stove, and a bathroom. The idea was that, within a year of graduation, I’d be able to live without any additional assistance from Hope Center. That remained to be seen. A lot was left to the unknown, which made me uncomfortable.
While wanting to believe I was ready to start my new life over without the weight of past mistakes, I remained skeptical. With doubts running through my mind night and day, I wasn’t sleeping well. Every time I closed my eyes I was bombarded by worries. All the what-ifs seemed to buzz around inside my head like pesky flies and there wasn’t a flyswatter in sight.
Lilly, my counselor, had been supportive, but I’d already failed miserably once, and there was nothing to say I’d be a success this time.
As I slipped into a pew as close to the back of the church as I could get, I recalled my initial meeting with Lilly. I’d scoffed about the possibility of the other woman becoming a friend. Like most everything else, I gradually learned Lilly had been right. Lilly Palmer had become a good friend. It didn’t happen overnight, but as we worked together I’d begun to trust her with my secrets and let go of the resentments that I carried around like an extra set of luggage. I’d never had anyone like her in my life. Over the last year, Lilly had become a sounding board and an encourager. Best of all, I was beginning to dream again.
The music ebbed to a close and Linda Kincaid stepped up to the lectern. I recognized her from the Bring-a-Meal program Drew’s church participated in. I’d never had the nerve to tell her I’d met Drew. If Drew had mentioned me, then Linda hadn’t reached out to me, either. The woman intimidated me. Perhaps it was her height, or knowing Linda was close to Drew and that he depended on her. I wasn’t sure what it was.
Although it might sound ridiculous, I felt close to Drew, too, although those feelings were completely one-sided. After all, I’d talked to the man a total of only four times. But each one of those meetings had played back in my mind a thousand times.
One day I hoped to marry a man like him. Not a pastor but a decent man who wasn’t into drugs or cheating or hitting women. Sounds simple, right? Well, from my experience those men were few and far between, and if I did happen upon one, I wasn’t entirely sure I’d recognize him.
After everything I’d been through in my life, building a relationship with a man was going to be tough. An even bigger challenge would be exploring a relationship with a Being greater than myself. Yet here I was, ready to do both for the first time as the new Shay.
I focused my attention to the front of the church. Linda Kincaid read the Scripture verse for that morning from Psalm 56 and then quietly took her seat. Caught up in my thoughts, I’d heard only part of the reading.
After Linda left the lectern, Drew approached. He wore a suit and tie, and for a moment I was mesmerized. Every other time I’d ever seen him, he’d been dressed casually. The last three times we’d met at Hope Center had followed basketball and he was in workout gear. I barely recognized him and knew that every unmarried woman in the entire church must have a huge crush on him.
“The topic of this morning’s sermon is worry.”
Hold up.
Wait a minute.
My mind started to swirl. How was this possible? How did Drew know my head was completely messed up with worries and concerns about my future? I wanted to hit the side of my head to be certain I’d heard him correctly.
“When we worry,” Drew continued, “we take reality and move it into the realm of fiction. What is real is transferred into the land of monsters and dragons, which are far bigger and frightening than they really are.”