His lips part, but he just stares at me in confusion.
But I’ve got more to say. “I’ll tell you what happened, Zack. My expectations did grow. With every touch you gave me, every time you invited me into your bed, with every time you shared your guilt with me and depended on me to ease it, hope fucking bloomed and my expectations grew. I can’t help it. Human nature and all that. So go ahead and lay this on my doorstep if you want. I’ll gladly take the blame. In fact, I insist on it. I’m sure it will help ease you past any guilt that may arise from this. God knows you’ve had enough in your life.”
Spinning away, I stalk into the bathroom and start pulling my toiletries out of the shower. When I walk back into the bedroom, Zack is standing in the same place, his gaze on the carpet, his shoulders hunched forward.
“I really tried,” he says in defeat.
Suddenly, the anger within me melts away and I’m left with overwhelming sadness. So damn sad because I hear the remorse in his voice. So damn sad because the one person I want above all else has just thrown in the proverbial towel. Any hope that I may have had that my leaving would cause him to want to fight for me turns to ash right then and there.
“I know you did,” I tell him as I drop the toiletries on my bed.
He raises his soulful gaze to me and his pain is almost palpable. “I’m so sorry, Kate, for hurting you.”
I give him a small smile and a nod of understanding. “I know. You apologized already for it weeks ago and I accepted, remember?”
He nods and starts to turn away from me. “I’m going to go get Ben from Alex and Sutton. That way he’ll be here in the morning and you can spend time with him before you leave.”
“Okay,” I whisper, but he never looks back at me. I hear him trudge almost wearily down the stairs and then the door closes behind him.
Then I sink to the carpet, rest my head against the bed, and cry over the unfairness of it all.
Chapter 29
Zack
TWO WEEKS LATER…
Are you in a strip club?
I glance down at the text from Ryker and then back up at the topless dancer gyrating onstage in front of me. He knows me well.
I pick up my phone and text back to him, Yup.
His response is immediate. Seeing anything good?
I quickly type back, Nope.
Come meet me at Tribeca for a few beers.
I stand up from the table, shoot down the last of my beer, and throw a ten-dollar bill beside my empty glass. As I walk through the club and leave the thumping music behind, I text him back, On my way.
The drive over to Tribeca doesn’t take me long. I’ve met up with Ryker here a few times to grab a meal or a few drinks over the past two weeks. While Alex and Garrett will always be my buds, I’ve become pretty tight with Ryker.
So tight, that I spilled the beans to him about what happened between me and Kate. I didn’t tell him the intimate details of what occurred between us, but I was utterly honest with him about how I made up a set of stupid rules that I myself broke, which caused her to hope for something that could never be.
When Ryker asked me why it couldn’t be, I then proceeded to tell him all about my shortcomings and doubts about my relationship with Gina. Yes, he’s been a very good friend and commiserated with me appropriately. Such a good friend, in fact, he then told me I was a bonehead. He chastised me for hurting Kate and for letting her get away. He told me that I had to let go of that shit in the past and concentrate on the here and now. On top of that, Sutton has been giving me the stink eye too. I’m not sure how much she knows, but she knows I hurt Kate.
She wants my balls for breakfast. Of that I’m sure.
I don’t need Sutton and Ryker making me feel bad, though. There is nothing they can do or say that makes me feel any worse about the pain I’ve caused Kate. My entire being aches with the knowledge of what I’ve done.
I find it morbidly fascinating that I’ve come full circle. The minute Kate walked out of my door for good, I felt the same gut-wrenching, heart-splitting misery that I felt when I was told that Gina had died in the accident.
Does that mean I felt the same exact way about both women?
I don’t think so. The more reflecting I have done, the more I have come to realize that there were very few similarities between what I had with Gina and what I had with Kate. And yet both of them are gone and both of their absences have affected me profoundly.
Yup. I’ve come full circle. Sitting my ass in a seedy strip club searching for something but not knowing what it is. I know I’m not going to find it there. And yet I keep coming back, hoping that there will be a clue as to what I can do to pull myself out of this misery.
The parking lot of Tribeca is packed, but I’m not surprised. It’s a busy place because they have fantastic burgers and a wide selection of beer. I push my way through the crowd and find Ryker perched up against a corner of the U-shaped bar.
“What’s up, man?” Ryker says as we bump fists.
“Not much,” I tell him. I wave a hand at the bartender, who walks over to me, and I order a Guinness on draft.
“So the tits and ass weren’t any good tonight?” Ryker asks with a grin.
“Same old shit, different day,” I respond with exaggerated mock sadness. “What have you been up to?”
“Talked to Hensley today,” he says after taking a sip of his beer. “She’s made the decision final and wants me to take the girls full-time and is willing to sign over full custody. She’s going to drive them and all their stuff down this weekend.”