Kate lies absolutely still, her arm resting like dead weight on mine, her breathing back to normal. I used to lie with Gina like this…after we fucked. We used to go to sleep like this at night in the beginning of our relationship, but toward the end it was just more comfortable I guess for us each to sprawl out on our own side of the bed. I have a sudden urge to stroke the skin of Kate’s stomach…maybe even prompt her own hand to return the favor.
But I push that thought away. It sends the wrong message.
To her? To me?
Yeah…wrong fucking message to both of us.
“Zack?” Kate whispers softly.
“Yeah?”
“Why does it bother you that I’m friends with Sutton and Olivia?” she asks curiously, without a hint that she’ll give any validation to how I might possibly respond. I can tell she’s not about to give up their friendship.
Sighing, I release my hold on her and roll away, swinging my legs off the bed. I bend down and pick up my boxers, slipping them on and planning to ditch the condom once I get to the bathroom.
When I look back over at her, she’s rolled to face me, one hand curled under her head, the other tucked under her chin. The lights from the city hit her full in the face and I can see the paleness of her eyes reflecting back at me.
“Truth?” I ask her, because I need to make sure she’s ready to hear it.
“No, I asked because I love lies,” she jabs back at me, then rolls her eyes. “Of course the truth.”
Sighing, I grab my T-shirt from the floor. Gripping it hard in my hands, I lay it on her. “The Cold Fury…we’re a team, but we’re also a family. Alex and Garrett are like my brothers. By extension, Sutton and Olivia are like my sisters. We don’t have a blood connection, but the familial connection is still there. You understand?”
“I understand that,” she says, but then adds on, “I guess I don’t understand what that has to do with me hanging with them.”
I slip the T-shirt on, and then bend to gather up the rest of my clothes. No need to put that shit on…just going to be walking across the living room to my room with Ben.
“I don’t want there to be any confusion over the boundaries,” I tell her candidly.
“Like how?” she asks inquisitively, still not getting what I mean.
“Say Alex and Sutton come over to my house for dinner. You may be friends with Sutton, but that doesn’t mean you hang out with us. You’re Ben’s nanny. That’s your place. I don’t want you to be confused because we’re having sex. I don’t want you to think that implies membership into the family unit I have with my teammates and their women.”
She nods at me, and ever so softly says, “I’m clear now. Thank you for the explanation.”
And fuck…a wave of acidic shame hits me, because I know that hurt her feelings. I stare down at her, wanting to weirdly crawl back into bed, pull her into my arms, and apologize for my cruel words. I want to kiss away that look of loneliness right now, and I want to tell her I didn’t mean any of it.
But I don’t.
Because even though it pains me to have pained her, I did mean it.
I meant every word of it.
Chapter 20
Kate
I think most women would throw their hands up, cut bait, and run at this point. It’s what I should do, for sure.
Zack hurt my feelings in New York. No doubt. And not because of the truth of his words…that he was afraid I would be tempted to cross boundaries if I pursued a friendship with Sutton and Olivia. That was honesty, and it wasn’t a surprise to me. Zack has always been clear that what we have is just sex.
I guess I was hurt because he didn’t respect me enough to recognize that boundary myself, as well as honor my original promise to him that if I started having a problem with what was going on between us, I would come out and say it.
But things didn’t start going downhill because Zack hurt my feelings. On the contrary, I have an amazing capacity to take the shit that Zack hands my way, and it’s not just because he’s an amazing lover. No, it’s because I still have a world of empathy for this man and everything that he’s gone through.
Everything he’s still going through, because every day is a struggle for him to pull himself away from the ghosts of his past.
This I know takes time.
However, I have seen major changes in Zack over the past several weeks.
Positive changes.
Changes that give me hope to continue on…hoping either that I will eventually settle for what he can give me or that he will accept what I can give him.
Either way, his words to me in New York were not enough to send me running.
But they apparently sent him running, because we’ve been back in Raleigh for two nights and he hasn’t approached me outside of our normal employment relationship. He’s pulled back and I know exactly why.
It’s because when I was lying on my side in that hotel room, and Zack was looking down at me as he told me exactly why he didn’t want me to be friends with Sutton and Olivia, I saw very subtle changes come over his face.
Even in the room lit up only by the streets of New York, I saw hard resolution as he told me all about boundaries, which caused pain to lance through me. Then I saw his face transform, and I knew, in that moment, he felt like shit that he had hurt me. I saw aching remorse on his face. I sensed hesitation within him, and I think he was on the verge of trying to make it up to me.
But then he hardened up again, and walked out of the room.