I froze, watching it vibrate, my insides churning. What would I say if I picked up? Hi Lorrie, in case you didn’t have enough to worry about, let me tell you about my chronic and potentially terminal illness. Fuck that.
I looked up to see Ada staring at me. “Hunter!” she shrieked. “What the f**k is the matter with you? Why won’t you tell her?”
Fucking Ada, everything was always cut and dry for her. Why didn’t she understand that it just wasn’t that simple.
The moment I first saw Lorrie’s face—after fishing her out of that lake—I knew there was something about her. It wasn’t the shock on her expression from a near-death experience or even the way her body shivered from the freezing cold. It wasn’t anything on the outside. It was that look in her eyes that pierced me to my damn core. I didn’t know anything about her, but I instantly recognized that look from seeing it every day in the mirror. She was beautiful. And broken.
Even if she didn’t tell me her whole story, she let her walls down for me. I understood her need to protect herself and never pried. I just needed to be there for her. When that ass**le at the Tau Beta Pi party said that shit about her parents, he was f**king lucky that Lorrie stopped me. I don’t know what I would’ve done.
No. Lorrie didn’t need my sob story and I didn’t need her to pity me. She needed me to be strong for her, to wipe away her tears, to hold her shuddering body tightly against mine. Lorrie needed me to take away her pain, not add to it.
I needed her too. Before she came along I was a f**king mess. Maybe she thought I was her savior when I pulled her out of that lake, but I knew the real score. If I hadn’t found her, I’d be so lost right now. I would’ve lost myself in the drinking, brawling, and groupies. Lorrie never let me get away with that bullshit. She saw right through me, but she was never pushy like Ada. Lorrie knew how hard it was to try to make it through each day. She made me feel alive again, like there was still something to look forward to, like I wasn’t just waiting for the MS to knock me out.
We were so happy during those days we were holed up in my apartment. It was like a dream that I never wanted to end. Why couldn’t we have that for just a little while longer? Why did things have to change?
“If you’re not going to tell her then I will.” Ada picked up the phone with her hand and my chest tightened. A white hot ball of fury clenched tighter and tighter in my core. If Lorrie found out about my MS, things would never be the same.
“Don’t you f**king dare Ada!” I gripped the side of my hospital bed, knowing that once she set her mind to something, it was hard to stop her.
“What’s wrong with you Hunter? Someone needs to tell her!” Ada stared at me with accusing eyes.
“No! It’ll change everything!” I pounded the mattress pad with a fist, panic coursing through my veins.
“I’m going to tell her, you can’t stop me Hunter!” She started fiddling with the buttons on the phone and my panic shifted to horror.
“NO! SHE CAN’T SEE ME LIKE THIS!” I roared, reaching for my phone and violently snatching it from her hands.
Ada backed away as if I’d slapped her, eyes wide and frightened. I gazed at her harshly, sucking in deep shuddering breaths. “Please Ada. She can’t see me like this . . . not like this . . .” I breathed. This was my pain, mine alone to struggle with. I couldn’t share it with Lorrie yet. I blinked a few times, my eyes stinging with shame and took a deep breath to calm myself.
Lorrie wasn’t ready. No, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for things to change just yet.
Ada shook her head slowly, her expression shifting from shock to disgust. “Both of you are sick. You deserve each other.”
She took a seat in the corner, not saying another word until the doctor came in to discharge me. She put on a fake smile, but I could tell she was still fuming as we walked out of the hospital via the health center entrance on campus. I knew this was far from over.
A few hours ago
I wanted to vomit as I looked at Lorrie’s shaky handwriting on the note she left me. I had read it again and again, hoping the words would change, but they never did.
Ada was out of control when we ran into Lorrie outside the health center. I wanted to talk to Lorrie, try to fix things to how they were, but Ada was gonna tell her about me and things would never be the same again.
“Give me something, Hunter. Don’t leave me with just this.” I heard Lorrie desperately call after me. I wanted to talk to Lorrie in private. But I had to stop Ada first. I couldn’t let Ada tell Lorrie. Even if she didn’t tell Lorrie that day, she would tell Lorrie some other time and it’d ruin everything. So, like an ass**le, I ran after Ada, instead of facing Lorrie.
After I convinced Ada to calm down, and she promised me she wouldn’t talk to Lorrie, I went straight to Lorrie’s room, hoping she’d be able to forgive me. She wasn’t there and neither was Daniela. A couple of girls were hanging around in the suite and told me that they hadn’t seen Lorrie in a while.
I pulled out my phone and called Lorrie. The phone didn’t even ring before going to voicemail. Fuck, she turned her phone off. I tried again. Still no luck. Why would she do that? Was she purposely trying to avoid me?
Damnit, I had to find her. I ran around frantically and checked all of her favorite sketching spots, but she wasn’t at any of them. After an hour of searching and repeatedly trying her phone, I was almost ready to quit, but then I thought of one last spot to look for her.
Feeling sick, I sprinted across campus. My knees were almost ready to give out when I got to the bridge over Lake Teewee. I saw that the frozen lake was undisturbed and intense relief washed over me.
She was probably out with Daniela somewhere, avoiding me.
I’d f**ked it up big time. I should have let Ada go. I should have stayed and talked to Lorrie. She needed me, but I was too afraid to talk to her. Lorrie was right, I should have explained things to her, told her something at least. Now it was too late.
Not knowing what to do and desperate, I went over to the PKD house to talk to Gary. We drank and tried to put together the pieces. Soon we were wasted, no closer to coming up with a way to get my ass out of this mess. I passed out on his couch feeling worse than when I came.
It was only after I woke up hungover that I came back to my apartment and saw Lorrie’s note. It was already noon, Lorrie was probably long gone by now. She had come looking for me, she waited for me and she wanted to talk, but instead, I was f**king stupidly drinking away my pain with Gary.
Lorrie needed me but I wasn’t there for her. Something had happened and she needed me to be there for her, but I was too f**king selfish and afraid to come clean to her. Now she had gone to deal with her pain herself. I had lost my only chance to explain things, make things right with her. That killed the shit out of me.
As I stood in my kitchen and reread the note she’d left me, a cold sense of dread began to sink in.
Rampage nuzzled against my leg. The little guy didn’t know anything was wrong. Or maybe he did. I scooped him up and brought him to my face. His brown eyes looked at me curiously, maybe as confused as I was right now.
I set him down and watched him run off. What the f**k happened that she decided she needed to leave like that?
I exhaled and picked up my phone. Still nothing from her. I had called her a few times but it went straight to voicemail.