It was one thing to be friends, it was another to be in a relationship. Two unstable people like us shouldn’t get together.
I looked over at Daniela, who was as focused on the lecture as she had been every other. Hopefully she would end up becoming a psychologist; I couldn’t think of anyone who loved any subject as much as she seemed to love psychology. It made me a little jealous that she had found something she loved so much. So far all I had was drawing, and that was more of a hobby than my life’s passion.
She looked over at me and seemed to read my expression. “What’s up?” she whispered.
I shook my head and looked down, but saw her watch me another few seconds out of the corner of my eye. She eventually turned back to the front of the class and paid attention to the rest of the lecture. Twenty minutes later, the class ended. I was packing my stuff up when she grabbed my arm. “Something happened,” she said matter-of-factly. “We’re going to Starbucks.”
“You don’t have to meet your group early for Geology or anything?”
“Nope. Come on, let’s go.”
We chatted idly on the walk over and continued chatting while waiting in line at the Starbucks next to the Barnyard. I got black coffee as usual; Daniela went for a mocha. Our drinks came, and we found a seat on an open couch.
“Okay, what’s up?” she asked.
I looked out the window at the snow falling lightly to the ground. Where should I start with that question? My whole world felt upside down.
“This has to do with Hunter doesn’t it?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I was at his place to feed the kittens on Valentine’s Day and . . . well . . . something happened between us.”
Her face lit up. “Holy shit, you guys kissed, didn’t you?”
I blinked and looked back at my friend. Was I that easy to read? Looking around to see if anyone was listening to our conversation, I pressed my lips together into a thin line and nodded. It looked like people were minding their own business.
Her eyes widened. “I knew it!” She smirked. “You said you thought of him as your older brother and now you kissed him. Not so high on your moral-horse now aren’t you? But I can’t blame you, it’s Hunter. Tell me everything. How did it happen?”
“We were sitting on his couch watching TV and he started tickling my neck. After that we were kind of going back and forth in a tickle fight for a little while, and he ended up on top of me. Then we bit down on this chocolate together and somehow that turned into making out.”
“Was it hot?” she asked breathlessly.
I felt myself blushing fiercely as I remembered the warm, smooth feeling of his lips locked on mine. When we kissed, I hadn’t resisted at all. I’d wanted more. What would have happened if Gary hadn’t come through the door at that moment?
“It was a mistake,” I said through my teeth.
She pursed her lips and shook her head. “What happened after he kissed you?”
I grimaced. “Gary came in.”
She gasped.
“But I don’t think he saw anything,” I added quickly. I took a sip of my coffee. It was so hot it burnt the roof of my mouth. I swallowed it painfully, feeling it travel all the way down to my stomach.
“Whoa, you okay?” Daniela asked.
“Yeah, sorry,” I choked. “Coffee’s just a little hot, that’s all.”
“Okay, so what happened after Gary came in?”
“Nothing. It looked like he was watching me to see how I would react, but he didn’t say anything. I hung around for a little while after Gary came, then left.”
“So you have no idea what he thinks about it right now?”
I shook my head.
“Were you drunk?”
“No! And neither was he.”
She tilted her head in apparent thought. “So he was hanging out with Gary on Valentine’s Day?”
“Yeah, I thought that was weird too.”
“Maybe he wanted to hang out with you on V-Day rather than Gary,” she said before taking a sip of her mocha.
“I don’t know, I guess. Does it matter? I’m not going to get romantically involved with him. You were there when I yelled at him for exploiting the kittens. He’s used to getting BJs whenever he wants from anyone he wants. I’m not that kind of girl.”
She shrugged. “What if he wants to be exclusive with you?”
I remembered Hunter asking me for a date back when we walked through that abandoned amusement park together, and I had declined. Although Hunter and I had admitted our mutual attraction for one another since then, dating was one thing, exclusivity was another. “Like boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“Yeah. I mean, hypothetically, what would you think?”
I took a deep breath. Most of the girls at Arrowhart would think that question was a no-brainer, but I wasn’t sure. Hunter was gorgeous, there was no denying that. Plus, we had a lot of fun together just goofing off and hanging out. Still, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have a romantic relationship with anyone, let alone Hunter.
“I don’t know,” I said finally. “When I decided to come back this semester, all I wanted to do was make it through without having a breakdown and failing any of my classes.”
“Those are good goals.”
I laughed. “Yeah, and I’m not sure dating someone is going to help. I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready for that right now, you know?”
“I hear you, but I’m kind of wondering if that ship’s sailed. At this point you’re already emotionally involved with him. If you break it off now, it’s still going to hurt.”
“Maybe a little pain now is better than a lot of pain later . . .”
She shrugged and looked at her phone. “Shit, I have to run to class. Keep me posted though, okay? We can talk more tonight.”
I nodded and watched her pack up. She left with a wave, leaving me alone to think. Talking with Daniela had confused me even more. I had been assuming that Hunter was seeing lots of different girls, but the fact that he was alone on Valentine’s Day made me question that. What if he did want to be my boyfriend? Did I want that? Could I handle that right now?
I didn’t know. Sighing, I packed up my stuff and headed outside. Maybe the cold air would help me clear my mind.
After walking for a few minutes, I took a seat on a bench in the Arts Quad and pulled out my sketchbook. The snow had eased up, leaving a thin layer on the landscape. It was one of those beautiful winter scenes you could put on a Christmas card. I scanned my surroundings hoping for inspiration to sketch something.
Nothing was coming. It was such a beautiful day, but I couldn’t find the right subject to focus on. I inhaled a deep breath and put my pencil down. As I exhaled, I watched my breath in the cold winter air disappear.
Hunter and I hadn’t been in contact since the kiss yesterday. It was an unusually long time for us to not at least exchange a text message. Barely thinking, I picked my pencil back up and began sketching Hunter from memory. The lines came easily: his hard gray eyes, pronounced cheekbones, and strong jaw came from my pencil as if they were meant to. I quickly had a workable sketch of his face. The pensive expression I gave him in my sketch reflected what I was feeling. After completing the shading, I realized I didn’t know how Hunter felt about our kiss. Was he as confused as I was?