The flickering fires in his eyes concentrated as he looked into her
eyes. Then the lids drooped with a faint motion of satiric contempt.
Then they rose again to the same remorseless suggestivity. And she gave
way, he might do as he would. His licentiousness was repulsively
attractive. But he was self-responsible, she would see what it was.
They might do as they liked--this she realised as she went to sleep.
How could anything that gave one satisfaction be excluded? What was
degrading? Who cared? Degrading things were real, with a different
reality. And he was so unabashed and unrestrained. Wasn't it rather
horrible, a man who could be so soulful and spiritual, now to be
so--she balked at her own thoughts and memories: then she added--so
bestial? So bestial, they two!--so degraded! She winced. But after all,
why not? She exulted as well. Why not be bestial, and go the whole
round of experience? She exulted in it. She was bestial. How good it
was to be really shameful! There would be no shameful thing she had not
experienced. Yet she was unabashed, she was herself. Why not? She was
free, when she knew everything, and no dark shameful things were denied
her.
Gudrun, who had been watching Gerald in the Reunionsaal, suddenly
thought: 'He should have all the women he can--it is his nature. It is absurd to
call him monogamous--he is naturally promiscuous. That is his nature.' The thought came to her involuntarily. It shocked her somewhat. It was
as if she had seen some new MENE! MENE! upon the wall. Yet it was
merely true. A voice seemed to have spoken it to her so clearly, that
for the moment she believed in inspiration.
'It is really true,' she said to herself again.
She knew quite well she had believed it all along. She knew it
implicitly. But she must keep it dark--almost from herself. She must
keep it completely secret. It was knowledge for her alone, and scarcely
even to be admitted to herself.
The deep resolve formed in her, to combat him. One of them must triumph
over the other. Which should it be? Her soul steeled itself with
strength. Almost she laughed within herself, at her confidence. It woke
a certain keen, half contemptuous pity, tenderness for him: she was so
ruthless.
Everybody retired early. The Professor and Loerke went into a small
lounge to drink. They both watched Gudrun go along the landing by the
railing upstairs.
'Ein schones Frauenzimmer,' said the Professor.
'Ja!' asserted Loerke, shortly.
Gerald walked with his queer, long wolf-steps across the bedroom to the
window, stooped and looked out, then rose again, and turned to Gudrun,
his eyes sharp with an abstract smile. He seemed very tall to her, she
saw the glisten of his whitish eyebrows, that met between his brows.