I reached for the towel from my earlier shower and cleaned her up, placing a soft kiss on each breast.
I feathered my fingers through her hair, over her jaw, and across her lips. The only sound was our heavy breathing as we lay quietly studying each other.
The finality of this moment—and the sorrow that came with it—slowly crept back in like a dense fog descending upon us.
And I saw the realization mirrored in the dark flecks of her eyes. I didn’t want to let her go, and I adjusted my arms across her stomach to grip her tighter.
We lay there for several long minutes, each lost in our own head.
Eventually, she pushed out of my grasp, and my heart lurched. I watched, trying to memorize her beautiful body, as she stood and began dressing. Her skirt, then her bra, before she tugged her top over her head.
Her face was a map of emotions as she looked down at her ripped underwear lying on the floor, considering whether to pick it up. In the end, she left it there.
She finally met my gaze, a silent, heartrending good-bye reflected in her eyes.
Knee propped on the bed, she leaned over, her mouth hovering close to mine. As her lips brushed my cheek, I closed my eyes, reveling in her touch. Her mouth feathered over my shoulder, my chest, and then down to my stomach and my muscles contracted from the intimate contact.
Her lips closed around the skin above my waist and she sucked, hard. I groaned and my fingers flew to her hair. “Rachel, what are you . . . ?”
She pulled back to admire her handiwork, then stood up and moved toward the door.
“Wait,” I said, emotions clogging my throat.
I wanted her to stay. And I needed her to go.
My heart threatened to burst from my chest. And then felt as if it might stop beating altogether.
She shook her head without turning around.
Her fingers roughly gripped the door handle, her knuckles turning white.
And then she was gone.
Chapter Thirty-six
Rachel
I decided to return to school a week early because the condo felt too empty without Kai.
The night we had that amazing, mind-blowing sex, I couldn’t stay in the same space any longer. So I drove to my mother’s house, where I broke down and told her everything. She held me and kissed my head and told me that if he felt the same way, I’d know soon enough.
But I knew she was wrong, and besides, I didn’t want to hold out hope. Furthermore, his texts were vague, almost drab. I understood what he was attempting to do—to make sure we kept in touch—but they were almost too painful to read.
Arrived in Amsterdam. It’s rainy today.
Thanks for the weather forecast, Kai.
Whereas I didn’t know very much when he’d lived in Amsterdam the first time, now I knew almost too much. I kept picturing him tooling around town, grabbing coffee, meeting hot Dutch women.
Truth be told, his texts had become my lifeline. So I was screwed either way.
I now lived with Ella in Avery’s old apartment and that made my parents feel more secure. Living alone would have made them worry too much that I’d get sick and have no one to check in on me. I think Ella and Avery felt the same way, even though they never voiced it.
I had been open with them about my crush on Kai and a few things that had gone down—but some details would remain private, just between him and me.
They were convinced that Kai’s feelings for me extended beyond friendship, given how he’d acted the day after the concert when I was hospitalized. But I assured them that he’d always been protective of me, especially three years earlier, during recovery.
Getting back into my class load felt good—as if I was moving forward with my life.
Business had picked up at Pure since the grand opening, so with Mom’s support, we hired some part-time help. That assuaged my guilt about returning to my college life. Not that there was any real life left.
I certainly had no earthly desire to attend any sporting event or party. Besides, Kai had basically ruined guys for me. I would forevermore remember how it felt to have him inside of me. And right now, nothing would compare.
Before I hit the road, Dakota and I finally had it out. She told me I was brooding, I told her she was bitchy, and we decided to lay it all out on the line.
I figured everything else had pretty much been ruined, and I wasn’t enjoying my current relationship with Dakota anyway—how we tiptoed around each other—so I needed to finally have an open discussion with her.
“I can’t be who you want me to be,” I said one morning over a cup of coffee. It had been quiet between us. I could tell stuff had been on her mind, too. We used to be more open with each other. Until I had stuff to hide.
And now I still had stuff to hide, and I was weary from the effort.
What in the hell did I have to lose anyway?
“Which is who, exactly?” she said, huffing out a gust of air.
As if she’d been exasperated with me. The same thing I’d been feeling from her since my friends had come up for the concert. Even they’d given me less shit than she had. Sure, they’d call under the pretense of worrying about my campus housing, when in reality it was about my health and I couldn’t begrudge them that.
They seemed to have moved beyond the fact that I had kept plenty from them. But it appeared Dakota couldn’t.
“Miss Goody-Goody,” I said, straightening myself and trying not to cave under her stern gaze. “I know I was that girl before, but I’m not anymore.”
“Finally,” she said, letting out a breath. “God, Rachel, you may not realize this, but I actually admire you.”
“Admire me?” I said in a daze. Dakota’s entire countenance had changed. “For what?”
“For one thing, fighting so hard through your recovery. You went through hell day in and day out.” She grabbed the creamer and topped off her coffee. “And second, for just . . . being your own person. Doing what you wanted. It wasn’t the best way, surely . . .”
I rolled my eyes. She just couldn’t help herself.
“But you were strong. You did things your own way.” Her hand slapped the table, making me jump. “You weren’t completely out-of-your-mind scared about the future—like I’d been for you. I was freaked out and probably didn’t always act in your best interest. I’m sure I was a pain in the butt most of the time.”
I thought of how sheltered I’d felt by Dakota and my parents and how I’d longed to just break free and fly away . . . like Kai. How beautiful he looked in all of his uninhibited glory.
So maybe I had channeled a bit of him during the past three years.
Just thinking about Kai hurt my heart.
“Thank you, Dakota. Hearing you voice that . . . means the world to me,” I said, all of my anger flying out the window. “You’re kind of hard to hold a candle to.”
“Yeah, right,” she mumbled. “I know I act like I’m Miss Perfect—at least that’s what Shane calls me.”
She dipped her head. That was such an un-Dakota-like move that my eyes flicked up to study her. “Is that why you’ve been . . . walking around like you have a stick up your ass?”
“Kind of . . .” She bit her lip.
“Out with it, now,” I said, nudging her leg beneath the table. “Dakota, we used to tell each other everything. What happened to us?”
She gave me one of her award-winning looks.
“Okay, I get it—I had everything to do with that. Keeping our phone calls and visits short. I’m sorry.”
“I’d like to get back to where we once were,” she said.
“Start by telling me what’s wrong,” I said. I knew by saying that I might have to reciprocate, but at this point, I was tired of holding it all in.
“Shane is leaving next week.” She took a fortifying breath. “You are, too. And Kai already left.”
God, how selfish had I been that I didn’t notice that my seemingly strong friend would also feel left behind? She just always sounded so tough—working a ton of hours, hanging out with casino employees, and keeping busy with her college courses.
“Oh, honey,” I stood up to give her a one-armed hug. We were verbal but not always demonstrative in our affection. But I felt like I needed to be this time. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”
“Of course I do—you guys are my family.”
I playfully yanked on a strand of hair that had come loose from her ponytail. “Shane is your family, too?”
“Well, no. Shane and I . . .” She looked down at the table, a rose color climbing up her cheeks.
“There’s something there, asshead. I’m no dummy,” I practically hissed. “Massive sexual chemistry.”
“I’ve been denying it for a long time,” she said, finally looking me in the eye.
“Isn’t that because your brother didn’t approve?” It felt better not saying his name out loud.
“Probably,” she said. “But Kai said something to Shane before he left for Amsterdam.”
“What in the hell did he say?”
“His exact words were: ‘Go for it, dude.’”
My jaw hung open incredulously. “As in, you and Shane?”
“Yeah,” she said, her eyes wide. “Shane said he seemed different. More open to the idea. Said he didn’t want to hold anybody back from finding happiness.”
“Holy crap.” What in the hell had made Kai change his mind about that? Was it because of what had happened between us?
“And you may not think I’m so perfect after all,” Dakota said, twirling a coffee-stained napkin in front of her.
I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Shane and me. We’ve . . . kissed. We’ve . . . made out a couple of times this summer.”
“You dirty little slut.” I laughed, actually relieved that Dakota had faults—vulnerabilities—just like the rest of humanity. “And?”
“It was amazing,” she said, with a dreamy glint in her eyes.
Then her eyes darted away. “But now he’s leaving.”
I squeezed her hand. Gosh, if she only knew how wrecked I was over someone leaving, as well. “It’s not like you can’t date long-distance. You both have a year left. You’ll figure it out.”
“That’s exactly what Shane said.” She, however, didn’t look entirely convinced.
“See?” I said. “Think positive.”
“God, I feel so much better now that I told you,” she said. “I suppose I should thank my brother. Or not. That little shit.”
I grinned and shook my head. Siblings. “Why do you think Kai gave his blessing?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “He’s been different, more mature. Maybe I was wrong to get on his case all summer.”
“Please, you’re always on his case. This summer was no different.”
She chuckled. “True.”
“Dakota . . .” It was on the tip of my tongue and I needed to just come out with it. “You know how close I feel to Kai, right? I consider him one of my best friends.”
She nodded. “You guys have a close friendship. He respects you a lot.”
“I . . . think”—my neck and cheeks and ears heated up—“I’ve developed a little crush on him this summer.”
Dakota stayed silent, and I had no idea what she was thinking.
Shit, had I ruined everything by telling her?
She folded her arms across her chest. “So you finally admit it?”
My head snapped up. “Huh?”
“In my opinion, you’ve had a crush on my brother since high school. Along with every other girl,” she said. “I don’t know what it is about girls swooning over bad boys. We’ve got to do something to save ourselves.”
I laughed, but it wasn’t genuine. Dakota lumping me in with every other girl made my stomach turn over. Brought me back to reality. Gave me the good thump on the head I needed.
“I’m sorry, Rachel,” she said, biting her lip. “I don’t know if my brother will ever settle down.”
“No, it’s cool—I’ll totally get over it,” I said, shaking my head vigorously. Suddenly I wanted to take it all back and suffer silently again. “I won’t see him for a long time, anyway.”
And that’s what kept me grounded as I got through my first month of classes.
Remembering how unconvinced Dakota had sounded about her own brother.
Chapter Thirty-seven
Kai
The first thing I did when I arrived in Amsterdam—besides taking a lengthy shower and a nap—was to tell Johan that I needed more shifts in order to learn everything I could about the business.
I’d had a long plane ride to think it all through. Returning to Amsterdam didn’t exactly sit well in my gut. So I needed to use my time here wisely and force myself to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life.
I worked long hours at the studio and absorbed as much information as I could about equipment, instruments, and relationships in the music biz. An idea was beginning to take shape, and when I told Johan about it, he was cool with it. He even said it didn’t surprise him.
What had kept me going was the adrenaline rush of finally having a goal and doing the work to achieve it. I didn’t even bother with weed, even though it was more readily available over there. I also pretty much hung on Rachel’s daily texts.
I couldn’t shake our last night together. The way she’d looked at me, how it felt to be buried so deep inside her. When her white lace underwear fell out of my suitcase my first night back in the Netherlands, I almost texted her a picture of it. To remind her of the incredible connection we’d had.