My throat constricts.
God, will he? Are my worries even justified? I feel like I could be overreacting, but I don’t want to be unprepared for the possibility of Nolan making that choice.
Three years ago, I met my son. This beautiful gray-eyed boy, with dimples and wild brown hair. I loved Nolan from the moment he woke me up, his sweet face so close to mine, studying me and running his finger down my nose, talking about kissing me awake in his little raspy voice. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen, with his sword and his dragon embroidered attire. He looked just like Ben. He still does. And seeing Nolan with his dad? Well, that pretty much sealed the deal for me.
Fighting my affection for Ben was impossible after that.
Nolan started calling me Mommy pretty soon after Ben and I got engaged. It was such a natural transition for him. One day I was Princess Mia, the next day I was Mommy.
Like a flip of a switch.
He didn’t make a big deal about it. He didn’t announce the idea or give anyone a heads up. He didn’t discuss it with Ben. Nolan made a decision and went for it, waking me up with a ‘Mommy, I’m hungry’, and asking me for pancakes while he jumped on the bed.
I cried for a solid hour after hearing that.
I know in my heart I was always meant to be Nolan’s mommy. He was my son before I met him. That won’t change no matter what comes of Angie wanting back in his life.
But I’m scared. I can’t help it.
I’m worried Nolan will revert back to seeing me as Ben’s and not his.
I’m worried he’ll go to Angie for things he normally comes to me for.
I’m worried he’ll want to start calling me Mia again.
God, how will I handle hearing that? The thought coils my stomach.
I wipe at my eyes, willing myself to stop making this about me. I’ll support Nolan no matter what decision he makes. And if I need to cry, he won’t see it. I will never make him feel guilty.
Only love. That is all he will ever get from me.
Chase squeals, kicking his legs out and laughing when Nolan dumps a bucket of sand on his feet. Nolan repeats the action. He loves making his brother laugh.
My two boys. They’re so close. They have been since Chase was a baby. I can’t help but wonder how this development with Angie will affect them. They’ve never spent more than a couple of hours apart.
If Nolan goes back to spending days at a time with Angie, how much will they mourn each other? Chase won’t understand it. And Nolan . . . I just can’t see him being okay with leaving his best friend like that. He adores his brother.
“Chasey, watch!” Nolan drops down to his knees in the sand and falls over, doing a belly flop on the miniature castle he just constructed. “I’m the new king! And I’m gonna build a bigger castle on these lands! With a moat!”
Chase toddles over to Nolan and collapses next to him, laughing and yelling his little, “Na Na”, trying his hardest to say his brother’s name.
“Chasey, say Nolan. Nolllan. Like this. Watch me. Nolllan.”
“Na Na.”
“Nolllannn.”
“Na.”
“Chasey! You’re killing me!”
I giggle, resting my chin on my fist, watching the two of them play and laugh together.
God, why did this have to happen now? I thought we had another year until I had to worry about Angie dividing our family.
I can’t deal with this. Nolan and Chase shouldn’t have to deal with this. She can’t just . . .
Heavy footsteps behind me draw my attention off of the boys and over my shoulder.
Ben descends the stairs, his head lifted as he looks out into the yard. The hint of a smile on his lips.
He loves seeing Nolan and Chase play together. I know he missed that a lot the past two months.
He claims the spot next to me on the step, leaning forward and resting his thick forearms on his knees, pressing the side of his body into mine.
“You were on the phone a while,” I say, my voice so quiet I barely hear it over the worrying thoughts corroding my mind. “Did she have a lot to say?”
“No.”
His brief and exceptionally vague response peaks my attention.
My eyes narrow in on the smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth as he watches the boys. “What . . . Why do you look like that?”
He turns his head. “Like what?”
“Like you are hiding something from me.” I frown. My shoulders drop a little. “Ben, what’s going on?”
Christ, what now? And why would any part of this be amusing?
He grabs my hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing the back of it. “I’m taking Nolan over there tomorrow after I get off work. Their visit will be brief. Angie knows that. I don’t know if she had a lot to say or not. I said my piece and hung up.”
Confused, I stare at him. “Okay.”
He laughs a little. “I’m not fighting a grin ‘cause of that, Angel. Believe me. I don’t want to deal with this shit. I’d rather keep Nolan away from Angie, but I know this will keep things more amicable and in the end, it’ll only benefit us. I’m sorry. Don’t think I’m happy about anything involving her. I have other things on my mind I’m thinking about. Things involving you and me. I’m excited. I can’t help it.”
I blink.
He’s excited? Things involving him and me? What things? I want to be excited about something.
Leaning into his shoulder, I glare at him, pursing my lips and fighting my own smile. “Care to share, Officer?”