“Not if I keep my clothes on.”
“No.”
“No . . . to clothes?”
He cocks his head.
“What?”
“Who do you think I am?”
Laughing, I slouch further into the tub, the haze of alcohol working its magic and loosening my tongue.
“Benjamin fucking Kelly. My entire world.”
He grins.
“And the sexiest cop ever. Making women want to commit felonies and shit.”
His shoulders jerk with silent laughter.
I narrow my eyes, digging my toes into his legs. “Something funny?”
“That mouth.” His gazes lowers, hovering on the subject in question. “You’re getting tipsy.”
I blink at him, my eyelids fluttering slowly.
He’s right. I am already buzzing a little off the wine. Five, six sips, was it? That didn’t take long at all.
He thinks this version of me is hot? Interesting.
I feel Ben’s hands wrap around my ankles under the water. His grip adjusts, fingers rolling, and soon his thumbs are gliding over my skin, a gentle pressure he runs down the tops of my feet and back up, fluidly repeating the motion.
My toes curl.
Sweet mercy. His hands are magical.
It feels so good my head flops back. I allow my eyes to slip closed, listening to the sound of my slow, steady breathing. I’m so relaxed I could fall asleep.
“Do you not want more kids with me?”
On second thought . . .
My next gulp of air gets caught in my throat. I open my eyes and see Ben staring at me, his expression gentled. Those bright eyes clouded by some worrying thought.
He looks despaired.
I’ve seen this look on Ben before. One other time I’ve seen it.
Last summer, when I had the cancer scare. When we spent hours and hours waiting for results, the anticipation eating at us both but ripping Ben apart, slowly consuming him from the inside out. Stripping him of his strength.
He was struggling to hold onto even the tiniest shred of hope, and every time I looked at him, it was like we had already received our answer and the nightmare was real.
These were the eyes staring back at me all those months ago. When I walked outside and overheard him saying he couldn’t live without me, that he wouldn’t, and he glanced up, pinning me to the ground where I stood ready to collapse.
It broke my heart then. It’s breaking it now.
I slowly sit up. Tears bead on my lashes. A jarring pain pits in the center of my chest. A pain so agonizing I begin to feel it everywhere.
In my bones. Spreading in my veins. I feel sick and blistering angry with myself.
God, Mia. Look what you did.
My reaction is justified. Earned. This is on me. I’ve been the one evading, making Ben come to his own conclusions because I’ve been too chicken shit to talk about things. Because I wasn’t ready.
Because I was afraid.
“No, I do,” I whisper my answer, gripping the sides of the tub and pulling my weight, sliding along the bottom to get closer.
I need him closer.
“I do want more kids. I want so many kids with you. That’s not it.”
“Then what is it?” He guides me into his lap, stroking my cheek with his knuckles as his eyes search my face. “What, Mia?”
“I just don’t want you to go crazy.”
Ben leans back a bit. He looks baffled. “What? Why would I go crazy?”
“Because we’ll never be able to have sex!”
His eyes go round, hold my gaze for several anxious seconds, then close completely as he drops his head back, a deep, rumbling laugh erupting in his chest. One so thick and rich it tickles my belly as I stay pinned against him.
Why is his sanity amusing? I’m completely lost here.
“Jesus Christ, baby.” Ben grabs my face with both hands and kisses me.
Hard.
Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s his stellar mouth, but I actually sway a little when he pulls back.
Whoa.
“I really thought you had some terrible shit to tell me. Like health related. It was stressing me the fuck out. I knew you were avoiding me. Figured it had to be something awful keeping you quiet. Fuck.” He kisses me again. “I should bend you over right here and spank the shit out of you for that.”
Now my eyes are the ones going round.
I squirm in his arms, flattening my hands against his chest and pushing when he tries to position me over the side of the tub.
“Wait a second!”
“What?” he growls, leaning in and licking my neck.
A shiver crawls up my spine. My legs fall open.
Shit. Stupid body betraying me.
Focus, Mia!
Locking my arms, I grip Ben’s shoulders and force him to look at me.
He must see the seriousness in my eyes, the plea there for conversation, because he leans back, surrendering to this, to me, lifting his elbows out of the water and resting them on the edge of the tub.
He looks approachable. Ready to talk.
I dive right in. I can’t afford to waste any time. He isn’t the only one looking forward to that spanking.
“You will go crazy, Ben. You will. We’re already struggling to find alone time together, and it’s just Nolan and Chase. Do you really think adding more kids to the equation will work in our favor? You know how demanding babies can be. We’ll never see each other. Our sex life will consist of both of us getting off on our own time. And knowing our luck, you’ll probably get switched back to night shift again. I mean, don’t get me wrong, phone sex with you is amazing and everything, but you can’t live off that. No fucking way. Not unless you’re ready to start jacking off at work.”