“He offered to get me a sweatshirt, so I followed him into his house to get it. I didn’t think much of it. It was just Drew, you know?” she cries, covering her eyes with her hand. I reach my arms out to pull her close, but she pulls away. I want to hold her and tell her how sorry I am that the one time she needed me, I wasn’t there.
I sit back with my hands resting on the dock again. “You don’t have to tell me the rest—”
“No, I need to. Just let me get it out,” she interrupts, taking a few deep breaths. “At first, everything was fine. And then nothing felt right. The house was completely quiet, and he was staring at me.”
She shakes her head as tears roll down her face. Honestly, I don’t know if I can handle hearing the rest, but she seems determined. A lump forms in my throat when I think about how much courage it must have taken for her to get to this point after all this time.
“Before I knew it, he had me pinned to the wall and then I was on a bed. His whole body was on top of me, and I couldn’t get him off, Beau. I tried, but he was too strong,” she sobs.
I reach out again and this time she lets me cradle her in my arms. Her head rests against my chest as I pull her tight against me. I’d do anything to go back in time and make this go away. I hate so much that it happened, but I also hate that she didn’t tell me about it sooner. I could have been there for her.
It all makes sense now. When I think back to the last few years and how she had changed. She’d changed a lot. She went from being the girl who smiled every time she saw me, to being the girl who never smiled at all. She went from being the girl who had a lifetime of hopes and dreams, to the girl who struggled just to get through a day in school.
She quit being my girl, and now I understand why.
Her tears bring me back to where we are now. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, running my hand up and down her back.
“I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. I didn’t think anyone would believe me and—” she pauses, pulling back to look at me with her swollen red eyes.
“What is it?” I ask, brushing the hair off her face.
“He threatened me. I was so scared, Beau. He’s a Heston, and I’m just me. Do you know what it feels like to walk around with this? It sucks. Every day for two years . . . I was here, but I was just getting by. Asher changed all that, but then he left too. I don’t deserve this.”
I carefully grip her upper arms, making sure her eyes are locked on mine. “You did nothing to deserve this. Do you hear me? Nothing,” I say, cupping her face in my hands. I don’t want to admit it, but Asher being in her life has helped her. As much as I hated seeing him with her, I loved seeing her with brightness in her eyes again.
Love is unselfish; that’s how I know what I feel for Kate is the real thing.
She falls back into me as I continue to brush my fingers through her hair. Minutes tick by, but she hasn’t moved once. One side of me wants to ask her a million questions while the other side just wants to hold her.
She laughs sadly, looking right up into my eyes. “I loved you for so long, you know? Your name was the one I wrote in the hearts on my notebook all through middle school. I thought my life would end just like this . . . with you.”
My breath catches, savoring the words I’ve wanted to hear for so long. Words I’d given up on a long time ago. “It can still end that way,” I say, running my thumbs along her jawline.
“No it can’t. You know where you’re going, and I’m just the girl who will hold you back.”
“Kate—”
“No, listen to me. I loved you for so long, but it was never the right time for us. Then someone broke me, literally tearing my beliefs apart . . . my dreams, my life. I didn’t think I’d ever recover. I didn’t think I’d ever have a chance to be normal again. Asher gave me a second chance, and then his life was taken too soon,” she says, breaking down again when she mentions him. “Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life. I don’t know what the future holds for me, and I can’t take you along for the ride until I get it all figured out.”
My heart beats rapidly as I rest my forehead against hers. For years, I’ve looked for any excuse to touch her skin. “You can’t do everything alone. Let me help you. Let me be there for you.”
She brushes her lips against mine, catching me completely off guard. “I need to figure out who I am first.”
Cupping her face in my hands again, I press my lips to her forehead. I always said I’d wait for her, but there have been a few times I wanted to give up on the whole idea of love. After what she told me today, I know I can’t give up on her just yet. She’s not replaceable, not in my eyes.
“I love you,” I whisper, kissing the tip of her nose. “And I’ll give you the time you need. I’ll still be waiting for you.”
“I can’t make any promises.”
“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking for you to remember me when you’re ready to move on,” I say, wrapping my hands around the back of her neck.
“Where did I ever find you?” She smiles, brushing a few more fallen tears from her cheeks.
“In your backyard,” I reply, smiling back at her.
“Thank you,” she says, moving to sit next to me again.
“For what?” I ask, throwing a rock out into the water.
“For hearing me.”
“Always. I just wish I would have heard you sooner,” I say, grabbing her hand in mine.
“I wish I could have told you, but everything seems easier when you’re looking back on it.”
There are lots of things I’d like to go back and change, but falling in love with Kate Alexander is not one of those things.
Chapter 30
Five Weeks Later
Taking risks isn’t something I’m good at, but today I’m hoping that all changes. Yesterday was my last day at the diner, and today will be the last day I wake up in my bed under this roof.
I’m actually going to college, and it’s scary as hell.
My mom won’t be there to hold me in her arms when I need her, but for the first time in a long time I feel as if I’m strong enough to stand on my own.
“You all ready to go?” she asks, carrying the last tote out to my car.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you? I feel like I should at least drop you off,” she says, trying her best to close my over-packed trunk.
“I’ll be fine. It’s only a few hours away.”
I watch as she finally succeeds, facing me with a triumphant look on her face. It falls away quickly as she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me as close to her as I can possibly get. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m going to miss you too, Mom,” I say, encircling her small waist in my arms.
“I know I haven’t been home as much as I should be, but I’m going to miss you. Who’s going to watch movies with me while eating Ben & Jerry’s?” she asks with a lightness in her voice that I don’t often get to hear.
“I’ll come home as many weekends as I can, not that it matters. You have someone else to share your ice cream with now,” I reply, looking over her shoulder to see Daniel watching us from our front porch. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but they’ve been dating for a couple months now. I’m happy for them because they’re both so good for one another. They truly deserve that kind of happiness.
“Now, don’t come home every weekend. I want you to enjoy the things that I didn’t get to enjoy when I was your age. This is your time,” she whispers, kissing the side of my head.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too.” She steps back, gripping my upper arms. Her eyes are teary, but she wears a satisfied smile. She makes me feel like I’m going to accomplish something, even if I’m unsure of it myself.
“Well, I better get going. I don’t want to drive in the dark,” I say, glancing up at the bright summer sky. I know it’s going to be a clear night . . . perfect for watching the stars.
My fingers run along the silver chain that hangs around my neck until I feel the little umbrella. I never take it off . . . I don’t think I ever will.
I can’t leave without saying goodbye to Daniel. He’s become a part of my family, and my mom and I are pretty much all he has. I’m ready to shake his hand, but he pulls me into a hug instead.
“I’m proud of you. We all are.”
“Thank you, for everything,” I whisper, nodding toward my mom.
He smiles, focusing his attention behind me. “She’s an amazing woman.”
“That she is,” I agree, stepping back. “I better get going. Take care of her for me?”
“I will,” he says, tucking his hands into his front pockets.
When I stand in front of my mom one last time, I’m a mixture of sadness and excitement all wrapped into one. I remember some kids from high school being absolutely through the moon at the prospect of having their freedom in college. I’m excited to get some space, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m also terrified of what’s going to happen once I’m dependent on myself and myself alone.
If things work out the way I want them to, I won’t have to be alone for long.
I give my mom one more hug and climb into my car. As I pull away from the house, I wave my hand in the rearview mirror to make it visible to them. A year ago, I would have felt guilty about leaving her, but she’s in good hands . . . and she’s happier than I’ve ever seen her.
When I’m cruising down the highway, I turn on the iPod and let the soft, familiar voice fill my head. After Beau left to go back to college, I spent many afternoons alone in my room thinking, and many nights out on the old trampoline looking at the stars.
I want to go to school to become a youth counselor and help other young girls who may have gone through the same thing I did with Drew. Living a meaningful life is important to me. It’s not about money or prestige. It’s about helping as many people as I can through my experience and education.