She nods against my head. We lock hands and walk inside the little gate. I pull her close, close as I can get her and her hands lock behind my neck. "It's hard..."
Even though she doesn't reply, she holds me tighter and I know she gets it. She knows what I'm trying to say. I also know it's not good enough.
***
Priscilla comes out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth. Her hair looks like she did something to it. Not styled it or whatever, but it doesn't look as frayed as it did after swimming. We've been quiet most of the night. Aspen has ten stiches in her leg and Sebastian's been spastic about taking care of her.
"You ready for bed?" I ask.
Priscilla nods. She climbs into one of the beds. I hit the light to turn it off and then stand there like an idiot. Which bed do I get into? I don't want to assume anything. We've slept together the past couple nights, but that was because she was crying and then because she climbed in with me. Now, it's my choice.
And I know where I want to be.
"Can I sleep with you?" Damn, I sound like an idiot. I should have just crawled in. Or gotten into my own bed. Why did I ask like that?
"Yeah."
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
Pushing the blankets aside, I climb in. She curls up against my side like it's her home—where she belongs. My arm goes around her and her head fits in that little crook perfect. She smells like Priscilla. Like the girl I've always known.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do here. If I should just hold her or kiss her. We're in this weird place and I'm not sure either of us know where it is. But I know I'm going to hate leaving it.
"What do you want to do?" I whisper into her hair, then I let my fingers run through it.
"Umm, what do you mean?"
"In life. I've never asked. I don't know why I didn't ask. I know you don't want to be a lawyer, but what do you want to do?" For a second I wonder if the question is stupid, but when you're friends like us, things like that shouldn't be dumb.
"I want to be happy," she says. Her voice cracks slightly when she says it and I squeeze her tighter. "My parents...they're not close to each other. They go on vacations and buy the right things and buy me the right things and expect the right things out of me, but I don't know if they're happy, happy. Like with each other—or me. I don't want to be about those things. I want to be with the people who matter and I want to worry about the things that are really important and not what other people think I should."
Her words are like knives, stabbing into me, poking and prodding and taunting me. I want that, too, but I don't know how to get it. Maybe that's where the taunting comes in. I'm not strong enough to get it. To do what I need to—if I even know what that is. It's hard to imagine myself that way.
But they're also freaking awesome too. The things she wants. They're incredible just like she is.
"Dios... That sounds stupid, right?" She tries to sit up a little, but when my hand starts to comb through her hair again, she relaxes.
"No."
"You meant a job, though. I'm not really sure. I like history. I like working with people. I just want to feel like I have time to figure it out. Logically I know I do, but there's so much pressure at home."
Her answer surprises me. I thought she knew everything. That she had it all figured out.
"What about you, Jay? What do you want?" Her hand tightens as she clutches my side. It's almost like she's afraid I'm going to disappear.
I am...
"I'm not sure either. I'll probably end up working with my uncle or something."
The conversation ends after that. I keep stroking and she keeps squeezing. Soon her breathing evens out and I'm sure she's close to sleep. "Priscilla?" My voice comes out almost raspy.
"Yeah?" I hear sleepiness in her voice.
"I just want to be happy too."
***
We're spending the whole day at the Navy Pier. Sebastian and I are pumped. The river, rides, food. There's not a whole lot better than that. The place is crazy busy and huge. I didn't expect it to be so big. There's stuff everywhere, people everywhere and I know there's no way we're going to be able to do it all in one day. We decide to try and do as much as we can.
The girls decide they want to see the circus. I'm not going to lie. I'm not real stoked about the idea, but once they get started, it's pretty cool. It's the Cirque Shanghai and they can do some pretty wild stuff on a motorcycle. Priscilla sits really close to me and once when she gets excited and leans forward, she puts her hand on my thigh.
"Umpf," I mutter when Sebastian elbows me in the ribs. I look over at him and he's got that cocky I-told-you-so look on his face, his eyes darting back and forth between Priscilla's hand and me.
He's such a friggin' idiot.
Shaking my head, I ignore him.
After the circus is over and we've gone outside, Priscilla grabs my hand and drags me over to a building. It looks like some kind of theater or something and there's a courtyard, too.
"Oh my God! They're playing Beauty and the Beast! That's my favorite!" Aspen is attached to Sebastian. Not because she wants to be, either. I know her leg is bothering her.
I groan. "You guys picked the circus. Please don't tell me you're going to drag us to see Beauty and the Beast, too! We're moving to New York. We can go to the theater there!" It's not until everyone looks at me all funny that I realize what I said. Slip of the tongue, I tell myself. That's all.
I try and shake it off by looking at Sebastian for him to back me up. At first he's looking back at me, his head all high like he hears what I'm saying and he agrees. He crosses his arms and I wait for him to say something like ‘hell no' to the whole Beauty and the Beast thing, but then Aspen tugs on his arm.
"Come on, Bastian. It's my favorite and I can't be on my leg all day anyway."
"I can't believe you played the leg card." I nudge her gently. I definitely don't want to see this play, but I don't want her to be in pain either. Sebastian will be all crazy and protective if that happens.
Bastian shrugs. "I'm in. Just don't tell anyone we know. I have a reputation to uphold."
Aspen does her swoony-Bastian thing and Priscilla laughs and I just sit back and watch it all.
We grab tickets before heading into the court yard to see a Disney movie. Okay, a play, but still.
It's not going to start for a little while and since we're outside, we decide to grab something to eat as we watch. The girls sit down and Sebastian and I head out for food.
"Change your mind yet?" Sebastian asks when it's just the two of us.
"Change my mind about what?"
"New York. Pris. Bailing on us. Take your choice."
I turn to him. If it was anyone else, I'd be pissed, but this is how we are with each other. "Dude, you remind me of those old ladies in the salon who gossip all the time. What's with all the talking lately?"
"What do you mean? You don't talk. I'm just trying to do anything to keep my boy with us."
It's then I realize I'm sort of abandoning him. In a lot of ways it doesn't matter, but we've been tight forever. We've hit on girls together and got suspended together and snuck out together. We got drunk for the first time together. Almost got killed by a girl's dad at the same time. We were supposed to do New York together, too.
I groan and push my hair out of my face. "It's not that easy man. And it's not like I'll never come out and kick it. I just..." Don't know how to be around Priscilla and not want her? Feel like an outsider with the people I shouldn't? Can't keep tagging along? I'm obviously a pussy.
"You're screwin' with my record, man. The only other hook-up that ever meant anything is my only failure and you're blowin' it."
It takes me a little to catch on. I shove him. "Dumbass." It suddenly makes sense to me why they've been leaving Priscilla and me alone so much together. Sebastian is still trying to play around. "It's not a game, man."
He shakes his head. "You think I don't know that? I'm not an idiot. Which is also why I'm doing what I'm doing."
There's never any arguing with him so I leave it alone. Then another thought jumps into my head. My heart starts to slam and I don't know if it's a good kind or not. "Priscilla doesn't know, does she? I mean, she's not in on it or whatever." Would she kiss me to try to get me to stay? No...not her. She's not like that.
Sebastian laughs. " You do know her, right?" He shakes his head and then adds, "You call her Priscilla all the time now. You didn't used to. What's up with that?"
This time it's me who shakes my head. I'm not going to get into this with him right now. Or ever. He won't get it. Will he?
"It's her name? I don't know. You never wanted to talk so much before you got with Aspen. You're getting soft on me." Hopefully this will lighten things up. I give him hell and then he'll give me hell and then we'll forget that he wants to talk about stuff I don't want to. Easy as that.
"Maybe I should have, ya know? Maybe things would have ended up a whole lot different if none of us would have let you keep all that shit inside for so long. Maybe things would have been the way they're supposed to."
I stop walking, but Sebastian keeps going. He doesn't get too far when I try to catch up to him, wondering when it was he got so far ahead of me. And proud of him for it, too.
Chapter Fourteen
I don't understand girls. I might have talked crap to Sebastian like I do, but I really don't. We're sitting here watching the play and Priscilla is crying. Not a cry, cry, but her eyes are glassy and once in a while a little drop will spring free and slide down her dark skin. It's a girl and a beast and I totally don't get it. I'm sure there's something else going on here, but whatever it is, it's beyond me.
Still don't like to see her cry though.
I sit back in my seat and put my arm across the back of her chair. She's leaned back so it's easy for my fingertips to brush her shoulder. Totally love that she always wears tank-tops.
I lean over and whisper, "You're leaking."
A partial smile tilts her lips. "You're a jerk."
I may be a jerk, but she doesn't have tears in her eyes anymore. I don't move my arm.
***
"I'm ready for rides now. Anyone else?" We step out of the courtyard and start to walk toward the rides. There aren't tons, but it's still cool and probably better than Beauty and the Beast.
"I'm in," Priscilla pipes in beside me.
"I'm not sure I'm up for it," adds Aspen.
"What? You have to ride something." I'm not ready to go back to the hotel yet.
A guy bumps into Priscilla and she stumbles a little. I pull her to my side. "Watch where you're going, man."
He gives us a dirty look and keeps walking.
Priscilla doesn't detach herself from my side. "Are you sure you don't want to try a ride or two, Aspen?"
Aspen shakes her head. "No. I'm not really feeling well."
Sebastian wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her to him. "I'll go back to the room with you." His mouth is against her neck as he speaks to her.
I eye him, trying to figure out if this is part of his plan. If he's still trying to play Hook-up Doctor with me and Priscilla, but he gives all his attention to Aspen.
"Sorry guys. We'll see you in a little while, okay? We'll text if I start to feel better." Aspen gives Priscilla and me each a hug before they walk away. The bummer is it makes Priscilla move away from me.