* * *
A cold autumn rain pounded the windows of Madeline's girlhood
bedroom as she awoke from another dream-filled sleep. It was hard to
believe almost three years had passed since her move to Florida, and even
harder to accept the circumstances of her current stay in Pennsylvania. In
spite of faithful weekly attendance at Mass, daily prayer, regular yoga
classes and constant reading and listening to motivational books and
tapes, those terrible episodes had dramatically increased in intensity and
scope. And while she'd done her absolute best to function in the world-
particularly given the fact that she was now a homeowner, no longer
could she calm herself down during the workday by simply breathing
deeply in the privacy of a restroom stall.
And when she began behaving strangely during her parents' last visit,
they'd insisted on bringing her back to Philly for tests to rule out the very
real possibility of a brain tumor, based on the oppressive headaches that
mimicked the overwhelming pressure of a vice and made it nearly
impossible for her to focus. Worse, she was now experiencing an even
more pronounced disassociation of her body and mind, causing her to
feel as if her feet weren't actually touching the ground, even when she
could plainly see that they were.
But most distressing was a new and chilling sensation she could only
describe to her father as a "tightening of my spine." During these
frequent and unpredictable moments, her legs and arms would suddenly
feel limp and lifeless, though still fully functional. This was preceded by a
palpable sensation of at the base of her neck, whereby she'd swear some
invisible "puppet master" was literally pulling her strings and forcing her
into submission. All of these symptoms were now accompanied by vivid
nightmares that typically featured disturbing images-from snake pits and
fire-breathing dragons to evil men in masks wielding AK-47's.
In last night's dream, Madeline was scaling a Cobra-infested mountain
in her bare feet, doing her best to avoid the venomous reptiles while she
struggled to make it to the top. Along the way she encountered several
people from real life including Mark, who wordlessly smiled as he
witnessed her impossible journey. He'd also been featured in previous
dreams, such as the one where he and Maddy held each other close
among the fallen leaves on a college campus, listening to the church bells
ring in the distance.
Still another showcased Mark's mom-a woman Madeline had never
met-encouraging her not to give up on her son "because I know he
loves you." Oddly enough, that particular dream took place by the side of
a crystal-clear river; usually the water featured in these nocturnal mind
movies was murky and dark. And yet, prior to her arrival back in Philly,
her only relief from the madness came from completely submerging
herself in the ocean or pool. Surrounded on all sides by the earth's purest
substance, she experienced wholeness and peace, at least temporarily.
Monica Rose entered her daughter's bedroom, consumed with fear
and worry for what might lay ahead. Though she'd seen Maddy at low
points before, none had come close to what she was now experiencing.
The emptiness of her expression, the lost look in her eyes and the
seriousness of her physical symptoms combined to fill the devoted
mother's heart with anguish. Why did it seem her daughter was always getting the
short end of the stick? What were they going to do if Maddy was suffering from a
mental disorder? Of all horrific problems, Monica felt least prepared to deal
with that possibility.
Madeline smiled as her mom climbed into bed with her, recalling
countless memories of growing up, when the two of them would linger
for a few minutes prior to Maddy having to get ready for school.
"How are you sweetie?" Monica asked.
"I'm fine," Maddy replied softly.
"God, Maddy, I just don't want there to be anything wrong with your
mind," Mrs. Rose blurted out emotionally. "I couldn't take it if something
like that were to happen to you. You're my baby!" She pulled her child
close to her as she spoke and kissed her on the forehead. Madeline
wordlessly held her arms around her mother as she said a silent prayer for
help and wondered when this nightmare was finally going to end.