“You think I haven’t noticed?” he said, exasperated. “Of course I’ve noticed we haven’t seen much of each other, but we knew this transition would be hard at first.”
“There’s difficult and then there’s this!” I cried. “Maybe other women accept this but I won’t put up with it. I didn’t marry you so the other side of my bed would be warm at night. I married you because you’re supposed to be my best friend.”
“I am your best friend. We’re having a rough time, that’s all.”
“And Ally?”
“Is nothing.” He glared at me. “And the fact that you would think otherwise has me really fucking worried.”
I nodded slowly. “You should be, Cam. You should be worried.”
He paled. “What are you saying?”
I narrowed my eyes on him. “I’m saying I’ve been lonely for months and you haven’t reached for me, you haven’t noticed.” The tears were running too fast down my cheeks for me to keep up with wiping them so I just left them. “I’ve tried to pretend that it’s okay. It’s just a rough patch. But it’s not okay. I’m not the girl who thought she wasn’t worthy of real love anymore. I’m not her. She would have let you take her for granted. I won’t.” I shook my head. “The way I feel right now… it’s not okay. I’m not a bloody doll you can put aside while you’re too busy to play with me. I’m your wife and marriage doesn’t just magically work out. You have to work at it. And if you don’t want to do that anymore because you’re too busy with other pursuits then fine… but I’m not sticking around for it. Belle and I will find somewhere else to live. Do you understand me?”
The words had barely left my mouth and Cam was across the room, gripping my arms tight, pulling me into his body. I let out a little gasp of surprise as I tilted my head back to look up into his strained face.
“Never,” his lips trembled with emotion, “Never say that to me again. I can’t live without you.” he rested his forehead against mine, and I felt him trembling. “I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely. “I’m so fucking sorry I made you feel that way.”
We stood together for a moment as I let the sincerity and fear in his voice calm me somewhat.
Our breathing found pace, our inhales and exhales slowing down.
“I don’t mean to be needy,” I whispered, my cheeks burning over what I’d said to him, what I’d threatened. “It’s just not like you to not… want me.”
“I’ll always want you,” he said, his voice gruff. “I’ve just been so fucking exhausted trying to keep up with everything.”
I pulled back to look at him. “I know. I know… I just...” I shrugged, feeling guilty for even suggesting leaving him.
He nodded, his soulful eyes searing into mine. “But you’re right. I was taking you for granted. I just expected you to put up with my absence while things were tough.”
“I want to support you,” I said. “I do. But I’ve felt invisible lately.”
He sucked in a breath at those words and cupped my face. “What do I do, Jo? How do I make this better?”
I shook my head and stepped out of his embrace. I felt cold of a sudden. Wrapping my arms around my waist, I shrugged. “We work at it. Relationships take work. I guess… I guess we both took how easy it has been for granted. Things are different now. We have Belle and our jobs… we have to work a little harder at the you and me part.”
He nodded, as subdued as me. “What now?”
“I’m tired,” I said softly. “I’m going to bed.”
Fifteen minutes later we lay on our bed in the dark of our room.
We didn’t touch.
“I love you, you know that right?” Cam’s voice was thick, gruff with emotion.
I took a moment, fighting fresh tears.
“Jo?”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “I love you too,” I choked out.
The bed creaked and I felt his warmth hit me as he rolled into me. He slid his arm around my waist and pulled me against him. My hands fluttered for a moment and then settled on his chest.
“I can’t believe I even made you doubt it,” he whispered, sounding agonized. “That I hurt you so much you thought about leaving me.”
“Maybe my expectations are too high.”
“No.” He stroked my hip. “Baby, no. I fucked up.”
“We’ll get back on track.” And I meant it. I was already feeling relief pour through me just being in his arms.
“But you fucked up too.”
I stiffened.
“I know I should have noticed,” he said. “But I’m also not a mind reader. It should never have gotten to this point, Jo. You should have told me that you were worried I didn’t want to be with you.” He tugged gently on my hair, tipping my head back.
I could just make out his features but I didn’t need to see them clearly to know there was anger in his eyes.
“We’re stronger than this. What happened?”
Just like that the panic was back. “It… it was a combination of things I think. I’ve been feeling a bit … a bit off about getting older,” I admitted. “With Belle turning four this year and Cole getting married soon … and us not having sex in a while … it’s all just built up. Joss was right. I kept it to myself too long. Explosion was inevitable.” I sighed, miserable with myself.