He started to turn his hand over to hold mine when he stopped and pulled away. Then he stood up as if he were going to leave. I didn’t want him to leave like this. He had opened up to me about the demons he was facing. He had laid his secrets bare. He would go home to that nightmare and live it again and again until it was over. He didn’t want to tell anyone, yet he’d told me. Had he seen in my eyes what I’d seen in his? The sorrow and anger? The regret and suffering?
“I have nightmares every night,” I said. “I see my mother die over and over.”
Keeping Quiet Is How I Survive
CHAPTER 10
WEST
She hadn’t whispered this time. The sweet Southern drawl in her voice was beautiful. It wasn’t high-pitched, just a touch deeper.
The words she’d spoken were so incredibly revealing, it hurt to think about her reliving something like that every night. I didn’t know what to say to her. My dad was dying of cancer. It was ripping me apart. But she’d seen her father murder her mother. That kind of brutality was beyond anything I could imagine.
She closed her eyes tightly and took a deep breath. I watched her closely, unable to take my gaze off her. I was afraid she’d move or vanish. And I needed her. Right now at least, I needed someone to know my pain. Someone to understand it.
“It never leaves you . . . the hurt,” she said as she opened her eyes to look at me. “But you learn to live and you learn to deal with the loss. You do what you have to survive.”
I understood now. Why she didn’t talk . . . why she remained mute. It was about not reliving that moment. Not talking or laughing. Just keeping to herself. Until now. With me.
“You’re talking to me. Why me?”
Her gaze flicked over my shoulder, and I could see the sorrow in her eyes. “Because you needed me to. You need to know someone else has lived through pain like yours.”
I took a step toward her. “When you lost your mom, was someone there for you?” I asked, hoping she said yes. I didn’t like the idea of her battling this kind of horror alone.
She looked back at me. “No. No one understood. No one saw what I did. No one lived through what I had. I would have talked to them. But there was no one to understand. Keeping quiet is how I survived.”
I kept quiet too. Just not the way she did. I kept my father’s illness a secret. I didn’t have friends over, and I didn’t tell them what was happening. My dad had still been fine last year when I’d had a party at my house the week after spring training. Then this summer things started going downhill. The last three weeks they had gone from bad to worse.
Eventually everyone would find out, I knew that. This wasn’t a secret I could keep forever. But I didn’t want to tell them. I didn’t want to see the sympathy in their eyes. I didn’t want them trying to console me when they didn’t understand.
“Maggie!” Brady’s voice came through the darkness. I saw Maggie tense up and give me a small smile before getting off the truck bed and heading toward her cousin’s voice. She hadn’t wanted him to catch me out here with her.
But I hadn’t been ready to see her go.
All weekend I found myself thinking about Maggie. When Dad would get sick, I reminded myself that I was strong enough to handle this. I would be there for my mother. I wasn’t a scared little boy anymore. If Maggie could survive what she had seen, I needed to man up and be what my dad needed.
Monday morning I left my mother tucked in beside my dad’s frail body and headed to school with Maggie on my mind. Her voice had been in my head, reminding me that the pain was something I had to learn to deal with. I had to make it through the nightmare I was living. She was a walking testament to the fact I could do this.
Seeing her standing at the locker beside mine was a relief. I had needed to see her. We had talked all of ten minutes, and already I had grown attached to her. She understood. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed that. Someone to understand.
“Morning,” I said as I moved to stand next to her and open my locker.
She glanced at me and smiled. But nothing more. No words. No smooth, warm voice to calm me. Just a small smile. Fuck that. I wanted to hear her talk.
“You not gonna talk to me?” I asked, still watching her in case she whispered and I missed it.
She turned her attention back to her locker and got out a notebook then closed it before glancing back at me. For a moment I thought she was going to talk, but she simply shook her head and then walked away. Leaving me there.
I had focused on her words and her voice all weekend to overcome my demons and face them head on. And she acts like we never spoke. Like she doesn’t know my secrets. Like I don’t know hers.
Bullshit.
I grabbed my first-period books and slammed my locker, and then I went after her. Just before I reached her, a hand wrapped around my arm. Jerking it free, I turned to glare at Brady. He didn’t look happy.
“Are you going after Maggie?”
I could lie, but that was pointless. “Yeah,” I replied.
“Not you, too,” he snarled. “Why the fuck can’t y’all leave her alone? She’s mute. She’s seen shit none of us can comprehend, and she isn’t a plaything for you. So go find someone else to chase after. My cousin is off. Limits.”
I couldn’t explain to him that I just wanted to talk to her again. He had no idea she’d talked to me. She wasn’t talking to anyone else. She’d only talked to me.
But even if she didn’t want to speak to me anymore, I didn’t want to stay away from her. Maggie made me feel stronger. She reminded me that I wasn’t alone in this world. That others had gone through this too. That I could be what my momma needed me to be . . . what my dad needed me to be.
“Fine. Whatever. I don’t have time for this shit,” I replied before stalking off the other way.
Out of nowhere, Raleigh stepped in front of me. “You didn’t call all weekend,” she said, sticking her bottom lip out and pouting.
I hadn’t called her because I hadn’t needed her to distract me. “You looked like you moved on Friday night,” I replied, shoving past her and walking toward my class.
“I was trying to make you jealous. You left me again, West. You never think about me. You just leave me.”
She was right that I didn’t think about her. She deserved more. I wasn’t able to be what Raleigh deserved. In the beginning I had been attracted to her. She was fun and exciting, and I didn’t think about my dad’s treatments when we were together. But that had only lasted a little while. Soon it just became about sex. I used her to forget for a moment. I felt guilty about it, but she’d seemed happy with things. She liked being my girlfriend.
What I knew now was that she deserved more than I was able to give her. It was time I cut her loose and let her go find a guy who could make her happy. All we did was fight.
“Then I’m not the guy for you. I’m never going to remember to check on you, Ray. I’m never going to be thinking about you. It’s not me. I don’t do that. So go find a guy who does. I sure as shit can’t make you happy.”
The look in her eyes wasn’t heartbreak. We weren’t in love. Although she liked to tell me she loved me often, I knew she didn’t. Who could love an asshole?
“I love you,” she said as if she’d read my thoughts.
I shook my head. “No, Ray, you don’t. I’m not lovable. Let’s stop this. You just get hurt with me, and that’ll never change. So this time, it really is over. Go find a guy who can be what you need. You deserve that. I can’t be that guy. Not for you. Not for anyone.”
I didn’t wait for her to reply before I turned and walked into first period.
I realized as I sat down that the words I’d just said to Raleigh were true. I couldn’t be mad at Brady for protecting Maggie from me. But maybe he’d let us be friends. I just needed a fucking friend right now. Not a girlfriend. How could I explain that to him?
Times Like These, I Was Glad I Wasn’t Expected to Say Something
CHAPTER 11
MAGGIE
I walked into the cafeteria. I was choosing not to starve my way through lunch in the library. After a week at school I felt safer. Like I knew how things worked and what to expect. I didn’t feel like all eyes were on me anymore.
Well, that wasn’t exactly the whole story. Truth was, I wanted to see West. He hadn’t been at his locker since this morning, and when I passed him in the hall, he looked right through me. Sure, I’d not spoken this morning, but I wasn’t sure I could. Would I have a meltdown if I weren’t trying to help him? Maybe speaking only worked when he needed me to speak. Maybe it was West’s pain that triggered my ability to speak without losing my grip.
In the days after my mother’s death I had sat in a corner and screamed when anyone came near me. I knew what I was doing was crazy, but I couldn’t stop myself. A helpless fear had consumed me. I was in so much agony, I couldn’t be spoken to or handle anyone getting close to me.
When I was finally able to coax myself out of the corner and stop reliving the nightmare over and over in my head, I managed to function. But I still wouldn’t speak. It was the one thing that saved me. I could deal if I didn’t hear the sound of my voice.