His hand was back in mine the moment he was beside me.
I didn’t hear much that was said after that. I was too focused on West and the rigid way he was standing. It was as if he’d turned to stone. His grip on my hand was like he was holding on to me for fear I’d run off.
I was okay with that. I didn’t intend to leave him.
As the casket began to lower into the grave, West inhaled sharply, and his mother stood up and grabbed on to his arm, leaning into him. He wrapped his arm around his momma and held her against him.
Slowly, people began to leave. Some came by and patted West on the back and said something to his mother, but it was all very quiet. Brady, Asa, Nash, Gunner, and Ryker all walked up and stood behind West. Each one squeezed his shoulder and said things like, “I’m here if you need me, man,” and “Love you, bro,” and “You need me, call me.”
West nodded and acknowledged all of them. Each one also stopped and hugged Olivia, which only made her cry more. Once they were done, they all slowly walked away. I didn’t know what West wanted me to do, but I knew my aunt and uncle were waiting on me.
I looked up at him. “I’ll stay if you need me.”
He glanced over at his mother, then back at me. “Can you get out tonight?”
I could do whatever he wanted me to do. I nodded.
“I’ll be at the bottom of the ladder at eleven.”
“I’ll meet you there.”
There was a knock on my bedroom door around ten that night. I knew my aunt and uncle were already in bed, so the only person it could be was Brady. I had stayed up here the rest of the day and tried to read. But my mind had been on West and his mother. If he needed me and called, I wanted to be alone so I could answer him.
Opening the door to Brady, I stared up at him curiously. He never came to my room. He barely even tried talking to me anymore. I couldn’t blame him. It was hard to talk to someone who didn’t talk back.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
I nodded, stepping back so he could come in. Again, something he never did. I knew this was about West. I imagined Brady had been worrying about him today too. It was hard not to after the last few days.
Brady walked in, his hands tucked into his front pockets, looking unsure of what to do or say.
“Mom and Dad are asleep, but sound travels down that hall. Could you close the door?” he asked.
I did as he asked.
“I saw you talk to him today. I thought I saw it before, but I definitely know I saw it today.”
I had expected this, eventually. Although I had tried not talking to him where people could see, there were times like today when I hadn’t worried about anything other than comforting West.
I didn’t reply. What did he want me to say? Did he expect me to admit it and talk to him? Because that would change everything. Tomorrow I’d have to face a life where people expected me to talk. They’d invade my privacy and want to know things I didn’t want to tell them.
Not talking was my security blanket. I wasn’t ready to let it go.
“I didn’t see it once, Maggie. I saw it several times. And I’ve seen it at school. You don’t always move your mouth, but West is listening to you. I can tell by his expression.” Brady sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not here to demand that you talk to me. Or anyone. I’m just . . . I’m confused. If you can talk, why wouldn’t you talk to everyone? Why just West?”
He was asking questions. Questions he wanted me to answer with my voice. But I wouldn’t talk, not tonight. I walked over to get the note pad on my window seat. I wrote:
He needs me. I understand him and his pain.
Then I handed the pad to Brady.
He read it then lifted his eyes back to me. “So, this is your connection. This is why he’s with you all the time and he’s all of the sudden holding your hand and acting like he needs you to breathe. He wasn’t lying about you just being friends. You’re helping him deal with all . . . this.”
I nodded.
Brady looked relieved. He held the note pad out for me. “I get it. But one day you’ll need to focus on helping you. Hiding from the world this way isn’t healthy. You’re not healing. You’re avoiding.”
No, I was protecting myself. I didn’t write that down, though. I just stood and waited for him to leave or say something else.
My phone dinged, and I reached into my pocket for it.
I’m outside. Waiting on you at the bottom of the ladder.
He was here. I glanced at the window then back at Brady.
“He’s out there, isn’t he?” Brady said, following my gaze to the window.
I could lie, but I trusted Brady. He loved West too.
So I nodded.
He gave me a sad smile. “Be careful, Maggie.”
He had said that before. Many times. I had told myself that too. But it no longer seemed to matter. I was past the point of being careful where West was concerned, and I didn’t know how to fix that. Or if I even wanted to.
I waited until he’d left my room then closed the door behind him and hurried to the window to climb out.
It Was Selfish, But I Did It Anyway
CHAPTER 32
WEST
The reality of my father’s death had exploded in my chest the moment they lowered him into the ground. In that moment it became real. Maggie had been right. It wasn’t a pain you could describe and nothing could ease it.
Momma cried all afternoon as I held her. Finally I got her to take a sleeping pill and go to bed. I had been strong for her as long as I could. I had to break down too. But selfishly, I wanted Maggie with me when I did. If she were there, I wouldn’t lose myself to the pain. She’d keep me from falling.