I held him back. “Don’t disturb her. You don’t know if it will break whatever schedule they’re on.”
Estelle agreed. “He’s right. We can watch but don’t interrupt.”
Pippa’s face softened as the first lumbering beast hit the sea, immediately transforming from uncoordinated oaf to graceful swimmer. “I’ve changed my mind.”
Splashing a little, the turtle floated for a second in bliss. Happiness at her bulky weightlessness obvious after a long night.
Estelle asked softly, “Changed your mind on what?”
“What I’ll call my baby turtle.”
“Oh?”
Pippa’s face melted with affection. “I want to call mine Escape.”
I froze.
Damn kid had the power to make me choke up and want to build a bridge back to society all at once. She was so brave, so aware. I often thought she didn’t truly understand our situation because of her age.
But she understood everything. She understood too well.
Estelle gathered her close, kissing the top of her head. “I think that’s a brilliant name.”
“Know why?” Pippa hugged her stuffed kitten.
Don’t.
I didn’t think I could stomach more of her desolation.
“Because they can swim and escape while we’re stuck here.”
I sucked in a breath.
Even Conner remained quiet with no quip or tease.
We stood there as time ticked on, saying goodbye as each turtle vanished into the aquamarine tide, leaving only their tracks, flipper marks, and newly dug nests.
When the last had disappeared and the sun had risen enough to scatter away the stars, Conner laughed loudly. “I just realized something.”
We turned to face him.
I asked, “What exactly?”
He waved at the empty beach. “We had years’ worth of food and we just let it go.”
Pippa gasped. “You can’t mean—”
“How could you—” Estelle’s voice dripped with disbelief. “I could never—”
Conner grinned. “I know...but still.”
I hid my thoughts behind a careful mask. The moment the first turtle arrived, I’d thought the very same thing. Food...copious amounts of food. We could kill a few, salt and preserve it, and use their shell for numerous things.
We wouldn’t have to fish or hunt for a while.
But the instant I’d considered it, I’d discounted it. It would’ve come down to me to kill and prepare it and...I didn’t have that in me anymore.
Not after what I’d done and the price I’d paid.
I’d killed for the right reasons. I’d killed a bad person.
But it didn’t mean it hadn’t screwed me up inside. If I could barely tolerate eradicating someone who deserved his fate...how could I handle slaughtering an innocent animal about to grant life?
Pippa squealed and hit Conner with her stuffed toy. “You’re a butthead.”
“And you’re a fish scale.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
He struck out, tickling her in the perfect spot to make her explode into giggles. Slapping him away, Pippa charged away.
Conner chased after her.
“Well, seems like the lack of sleep hasn’t deterred their energy levels.” Estelle drifted closer. The tide lapped around our ankles and my skin heightened to smouldering sensitivity.
I couldn’t stop staring at her, caring for her, killing myself slowly with desire for her.
She annoyed me and confused me but something about her also soothed, healed, and centred me. She erased my festering past, heinous guilt, and monstrous rage at injustice.
Prison bars might no longer cage me, but the ones around my soul did. However, Estelle had the power to blow apart the lock, decimate the gate, and hand me the keys to fight for my freedom.
My lips ached to kiss her. My body strained to hold her as if she was the perfect ending to my unhappy tragedy. My body wanted her (that I couldn’t and wouldn’t deny), but my lust went deeper than that. Deeper than bone and flesh and it was those reasons that bloody terrified me.
I wanted her; not because she was the most incredible woman I’d ever met (a non contestable conclusion) but because of what I wanted to give her in return.
I wanted to give her me.
Everything.
The good, the filthy, and the fuckedupness.
But what right did I have to take so much and force her to take me in return? She deserved someone so much better than I was. Someone whole...
My mind quietened as Estelle's gaze met mine.
Suddenly, my worries didn’t matter.
The only thing that did was the fact that dawn was only moments away.
I wouldn’t let another day disappear without doing what I needed.
It was now or never.
Grabbing Estelle’s wrist, I hollered up the beach. “Conner, Pip. Go back to the camp. Relax, nap, do whatever the hell you want. But do not come to the other side of the island. Do you understand?
Estelle and I need to discuss something.”
Chapter Forty-One
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E S T E L L E
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What is life? Is it a breath or a smile or a marriage to the perfect mate?
What is fate? Is it a predestined script or a fluke in time or the apex of chance and circumstance?
What is death? Is it everlasting sleep or forever loneliness from those you love?
I don’t know what life is. I don’t know how fate works. But I do know death.