“Must be, if he didn’t tell you. Anyway, you can go on back. You know where his office is, right?”
“Yeah.”
Left on her own again, her courage nearly failed her. If he still maintained that distance, she didn’t know what she would do. Oh, God. What if she could never bridge it? What if that terrible politeness—or if this morning was any indication, outright hostility—would be the extent of their relationship from now on? She clutched the file she was carrying to her chest like a shield as she navigated the hallways.
His office was down the first hall to the right, second door on the left, and it was closed. Holding her breath, she tapped on it, bracing herself for a brusque reply. But Evan only sounded defeated when he mumbled for her to come in.
It crushed her. Her easy-going, roll-with-it Evan had been replaced with a man who looked tense and unhappy, and it was her fault. She slipped inside the door to find him at his desk, every iota of his attention focused on the laptop in front of him. The glare of it caught in his reading glasses, and for all his brooding, he was sexy as hell. She doubted there was anything on that screen that had him looking so intense. He was just avoiding meeting her eyes. She closed the door behind her.
“Hi,” she said. Finally he raised his head, and she would have been relieved when he smiled, but it looked forced. Like everything else about him.
“Hey, there. Did Jack send you over to gloat about his petty victories?” He winked as he said it, but it was true that he’d had a hard morning. The judge had shot down almost every objection he’d thrown out there, and as time pressed on Evan’s frustration had been evident. But she’d seem him handle far, far worse than that, had seen him shake it off like it was nothing and laugh about it later.
Standing here now, she couldn’t quite get rid of the ridiculous feeling that he was the authority figure behind his massive, imposing desk, and she the shamed underling pleading her case. No begging, she ordered herself. Have some damn dignity. “No, of course not,” she said. “I wanted to see you.”
She stepped farther inside the room, feeling self-conscious despite herself as his gaze swept her up and down. Of all times, she thought about the naughty things he’d said about having sex in here, and her cheeks began to heat up. “I’m sorry for what I said at the hospital. I just…wasn’t prepared to answer questions about us yet. It’s all so new. And we haven’t exactly discussed where this is going.”
He pulled off his glasses and tossed them on the desk. “I thought it was pretty damn apparent where it was going.”
“It went to the bedroom. I didn’t know if it was coming home with us, or if it was a ‘what happens in Waikiki…’ thing.” His office was spacious, and neat as always. His law degree was elaborately matted and framed on the wall behind him. Pictures of his family adorned the shelves. It struck her then, perhaps more than ever before, just how much she wanted to be a fixture in his world. The wound in her heart yawned wide at the thought that she’d utterly mucked up her chance. “After what happened to me, I need something concrete. I need it laid out in black and white what’s going on, because I’m not going to take the risk of sparking off yet another scandal in my life by speculating in front of a roomful of people. Can you understand that?”
“All right, we should’ve talked openly about it. Point taken. But I wasn’t too keen on making any declarations of love and devotion while you’re obviously still upset about your ex.”
Love?
“No, no,” she said, trying to hide her desperation as she dropped into the chair on the other side of the desk from him. She had to make him understand. “I’m not upset about him.”
“The opposite of love is indifference, and you’re not indifferent to Todd. You’re still mad as hell.”
“Mad at what he did to me, to my life. I saw him yesterday, and I feel nothing whatsoever for him, even when he’s lying broken in that hospital bed. I hope he heals, I wish him the best, but…honestly, you have to believe me. I’m putting it all behind me. I told him that.”
“You did? You said those exact words?”
“I told him this was the last time he would cause me heartache or turn my life upside down. I guess I just needed to get those words out, you know? I just needed…closure. I never could get it before.” She looked him in the eyes. “He knows where you and I have been. He wanted you to know he misses you, and wanted me to thank you for everything you’ve done. It felt pretty damn good, getting all that out there. Like I’m…free.”
“Then I’m proud of you,” he said, sincerity in the words. His expression had softened when she told him what Todd said about him. But his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Do you not believe me?” she asked miserably.
“I just don’t think it’s been put to the test yet.” He sighed. “What happens the next time we’re away and he needs you for whatever reason?”
“Nothing. I told you Sandra—”
“I know what you told me, but is Sandra really the reason you flew three thousand miles to be here when he got hurt? Or was it that you got scared and jumped at the first opportunity to run away from me and back to the familiar?”
She just stared at him. It was probably the closest thing to the truth in existence, insane as it sounded, and she hadn’t even thought of it herself.
He went on. “I didn’t mean to scare you. And I want Todd to be all right, don’t get me wrong. I’m trying not to be a jealous ass**le about it. But I did lose one girl to the guy and this…it just wasn’t cool. It exacerbated all this other stuff I’ve been stewing over all week.”
“Like what?” she asked in a tiny voice.
His mouth twisted, as if words were pressing in behind it and he was trying to rein them in. “All those tears you shed over him…it’s bothered me from the first night we were together.”
Her brows drew together and she shook her head. “Evan, those were for you. For the feelings you were showing me that I’d never felt before. For…all the years I wanted you and never thought I would have you.” Her eyes were welling even at the mention of it.
He looked as if his world had just spun. “What?”
“How could you honestly not know?” Drawing a deep breath, she reached into her manila file and pulled out the two sheets of paper she’d copied at the office that morning. She stood and dropped them on the desk in front of him, emotions threatening to sweep her away at what she was doing: showing him the confession forever captured in her teardrop-splattered handwriting on those pages. It was everything she’d ever wanted to say to him and never had the guts to. “There. There is my heart laid open for you, okay? I wrote this in my journal one night back in college, and after last week I know that not a word on those pages has changed. So read it, and if it isn’t proof enough of how I feel about you, and if you can’t forgive me for one hasty decision, maybe it’s best we’re over before we ever really began.”
He stared down at what she’d written, but she couldn’t tell if he actually read the words. “Look, I knew, but I didn’t know… I didn’t know you felt like that. That deeply.”