“It wasn’t.” I growl, “And don’t you think for one second—”
But she holds up her hand. She’s not finished yet.
“I know that now.” Tegan nods slowly. “But you’re not to blame either. There was nothing either of us could have done to save him. You have to know that’s the truth.”
I take a deep breath. “Maybe. But even if I can move past what happened, I don’t know if I can ever go back. That life, it made me someone I’m not proud of. I don’t want to be that man again.”
“So don’t.” Tegan gives me an encouraging smile. “You know better now. You can do it differently this time.”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
But I know, deep down, that’s not an option. Alicia and Tegan want the best for me, but they do know the dark beast lurking in my chest, how my craving twists and claws at me, demanding satisfaction.
I want the spotlight. I want it all. But if I give in, if I go back even for a second, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep it under control. All or nothing. Desperate restraint or total oblivion. I’m not sure there’s a middle ground, even with everything I’ve learned these past years.
I can’t risk it, not when it could hurt the people that I love.
23.
ALICIA
I busy myself with work emails and spreadsheets for the rest of the morning. It could wait, Lily’s got everything under control for me back at the office, but I want to give Dex and Tegan some space.
So much has happened in the last twenty-four hours, yanking my emotions all over the place. First, the day on the boat with Dex, twisting me into a frenzy of pure, wanton desire like I’ve never known before; tasting pleasure, taking control. Then, his broken revelations on the beach. Suddenly, it wasn’t about our physical need anymore, but something deeper. His soul crying out for comfort. My heart answering the only way I knew how.
And now…Now my head is spinning all over again. I sigh, sitting in the chair by the window of the guest bedroom, looking out across the bay. Somehow, having Tegan here has made me doubt myself all over again. Before, nobody knew about this crazy bargain I struck with Dex. Even my assistant Lily doesn’t know where I am. I felt like I was taking a moment out of my regular life: a vacation from myself. I would come here, spend the week with Dex, and go back to normal, and nobody would ever know the truth.
But now the stakes are higher. I can’t pretend this is a crazy fling if I tried. And seeing myself through Tegan’s eyes…She thinks I’m just another one of his groupies, and for all I know, maybe I am.
I go over to my suitcase. It’s spilling clothes and accessories all over the dressing area, but instead of tidying them away, I pause. My insecurities—soothed away by Dex’s masterful touch—now rear back up, full of self-conscious doubt.
This whirling emotion was never part of the deal. He said one week, and already I’m in over my head. Maybe I should just pack up and use the gig in the city tonight as an excuse to head home early.
And if I get in any deeper with Dex, who knows what will happen?
“Hey,” Tegan enters into my room without knocking. She pauses, seeing my case. “Are you leaving?”
“No,” I reply quickly, in case she thinks I want to get away from her. “Just…trying to figure out what to wear for the show tonight. I don’t know if I have anything that works. Maybe this?”
I hold up a simple white camisole top I like to wear with jeans. Tegan makes a face. “No offense,” she adds, “it’s just not exactly rock scene.”
“Well, neither am I.” I give a rueful smile. I like to listen to all kinds of music, but the truth is, I’ve seen mainly classical or opera live.
Tegan brightens. “Let’s go shopping!”
I hesitate. “I don’t know—”
“Come on, it’ll be great.” She talks over me. “We can drive up early together, and meet Dex for dinner and the show. I’ll help you find the perfect outfit. Plus, we can get to know each other better. What do you think?”
Now I know why Dex calls her a force of nature.
“Let’s see what he says,” I reply diplomatically, but I regret it when Tegan whirls around and charges back out into the house yelling,
“Dex!”
I pull a robe on and follow her, finding them in Dex’s office area. Dex is holding the phone against his chest, looking distracted as Tegan fills him in on our new plans.
“—so we’ll meet you after,” she says. “OK?”
“I said maybe we would have other plans today,” I add, catching Dex’s eye with a private smile. But he nods. “Sure. I have a bunch of business stuff to deal with Eddy, so you guys go ahead.”
My heart falls.
“Awesome.” Tegan kisses his cheek and bounds out. “Alicia, we’ll take my car!”
I pause, lingering in the doorway. “Is everything alright?”
Dex gives a weary sigh. “Just some bullshit with our old contracts, but I need to stay on the phone and go through the whole thing.”
“Well, see you later,” I say awkwardly, turning to go.
“Wait up.” I feel a hand on my arm, and then Dex is pulling me into his arms. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” he asks, his distracted expression melting into a teasing grin.
“You’re right.” I smile back. “I’ll pack some snacks for the road.”