We spent time looking at the ultrasound pictures and talking about baby names and what he or she would look like.
I am hoping for a boy who will have his father’s strong features and gorgeous, brown eyes. The girls are hoping for a girl so that we can dress her up in all of these adorably cute outfits they already started looking for.
“Look at this one, Lila,” Lyn squeals and turns her phone to show Lila whatever new outfit she found online.
“Hey, Dani,” I hear from the front of the apartment, and I almost jump out of my skin.
“Holy shit, he scared the crap out of me,” Lyn says with her palm pressed to her chest.
“You and me both.” I climb over Lila and make my way down the hallway to where I think I heard Chance’s voice. Right when I come out of the hallway and into their large, sunken living room, I halt in my tracks and feel my body lock up with tension.
Chance walks my way and gives me a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder before he continues down the hall. I turn and see him step into Cohen’s room and shut the door behind him.
Well, I guess that means the girls won’t be coming to my rescue.
With a deep sigh full of dread, I turn, square my shoulders, and face my father.
“You look like you’re ready for battle, little princess,” he says solemnly.
“That’s because I feel like I’m gearing up for one.”
“Dani—” he starts, going to take a step towards me . . . until I hold up my hand to pause his movement.
“I think it would be best to stay over there, Daddy. This can’t be fixed with a hug.”
His eyes close, and I can tell how much it’s costing him to hold himself back. I have no doubt that he regrets what he said, but the fact remains that, however fleeting, the thought went through his head.
“You all but called me a whore, Daddy. Your own daughter. The one you raised to believe in the power of love, and despite your over-the-top protectiveness, I found that love. That once-in-a-lifetime soul mate connection you and Mom have. I never, not in a million years, expected that from you.”
His face softens, “Baby,” he sighs. “I’m so sorry.”
“Do you really believe that, after loving Cohen for as long as I have, with the first hurdle our relationship is faced with, I would run to another man?”
He shakes his head, his eyes never leaving mine.
“I can understand that you’re having a hard time with the fact that I’m not a baby anymore. I haven’t been one for a long time, but I always knew you would struggle with letting me go until you literally couldn’t hold on anymore. But what I can’t understand is why you reacted the way you did.”
“Please, my sweet little princess, let me hold you.”
I’m not sure if it’s the slight tremor in his deep voice that causes the first tear or if it’s the one of his own sliding down his face, but the second that tear falls, there isn’t a thing I can do to keep him from crossing the room.
“I needed my daddy,” I sob into his chest. “I needed you and all I got were accusations I never in my life thought you would throw at me. I needed you to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay and that you loved me. But you pushed me away and it broke my heart.”
“God, Dani. Please stop.” His arms tighten around me, and I feel my feet lift off the ground. His head drops to my shoulder, and I feel him take a deep breath.
“I can’t breathe,” I gasp and squirm against him.
He gives me another squeeze before he lightly drops my feet back down. When he pulls back and I get my first look at his red-rimmed eyes, my heart breaks a little.
“I don’t know how to forget what you said to me, Daddy,” I sigh. “I expected your shock. I expected your anger at Cohen. But most of all, I expected your love.”
He clears his throat. “Sit down, little princess. I think, maybe, I can help with that.”
I follow behind him and sit down on the worn, leather recliner. Daddy sits next to me in the matching one, and I wait for him to talk. I have no idea what he thinks can give me—maybe some insight on how he reacted to my pregnancy—but I wait.
“I don’t think I can explain just how it feels to grow up with shit parents, Dani, but the ones I had—they were as shitty as it gets. I never wanted you or your brother to know how bad it was for me when I was growing up. Never wanted that for you, but I think you need to hear some of it . . . to understand why I am the way I am.”
I lean back and wait for him to continue. It’s his show now.
“My parents . . . They were never sober. They were never not high off some drug. They never talked to me with anything other than hate. That was my life until Social Services took me and I ended up in the system. That wasn’t much better, but I wasn’t beaten and I ate enough that I didn’t starve. But it was lonely, Dani. It was terribly lonely. Until I met your mom. Trust me when I tell you that I know exactly what you mean when you talk about a once-in-a-lifetime soul mate. That was and is your mom for me.
“You know about me being deployed and what happened to me and your mom during those years and the ones that followed. But I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone, outside your mother, what it felt like when, years later I found out that our baby didn’t make it. God, Dani . . . To hear how your mother suffered killed me, but to know that part of us had died gutted me. I know the rational side of it. I went to a few therapy sessions with your mom to have those quacks throw it out there in terms I could understand. For a child who grew up the way I did, to live that lonely life void of love, a child with the woman I loved more than life, was my second chance. I remember the day your mom told me, all those years after, and sitting on the dock behind the house, vowing to God that, if I was blessed with more children, I would never stop protecting them. I would give them the love, safety, and life I never had.”
He stops and wipes a tear that escaped my eyes. I don’t speak. We sit in silence while I wait for him to compose his thoughts.
“I know I take it to a level that is just too much when it comes to you, Dani. I look at you, seeing so much of your mother, and I’m reminded of that sweet, stars-in-her-eyes woman I left all those years ago. That I left to a life of hell for years. I see the pain I couldn’t protect her from, and it makes me hold you just a little tighter. I think I rationalized with myself that, if I just held on as long as I could, you would never know that kind of pain.”