* * *
FELICIA WAS UP before dawn. She hadn’t slept much and by four had realized Gideon wasn’t going to join her in the large bed in his room. She’d showered and dressed. After checking on Carter, she started coffee, then made her way downstairs to the media room.
Gideon sat on the black sofa, the news on. When she walked into the room, he acknowledged her with a nod.
“Did you sleep at all?” she asked.
“No.”
“I’m going to take Carter to camp, then you and I need to go shopping.”
“For what?”
“Everything Carter’s going to need. A desk, clothes, toys.” She drew in a breath. “He says he’s too old for toys, but I looked online and there are several interesting options. There’s a kit to build a solar power collector. I’d like that.”
Gideon finally turned to her. “You want to build something with him?”
“Why not? It will be fun.”
His dark eyes were unreadable. She sensed he was afraid but knew he wouldn’t want to talk about that, wouldn’t want to acknowledge his feelings. Having her around would be enough of an invasion, but a child was so much more. She knew there was damage from his imprisonment but had no way of knowing how much was permanent.
Carter was his son. Would Gideon be able to face that?
“We should drive to Sacramento,” he said. “There’ll be more selection.”
“You’ll go with me?”
“Sure. He’s not your responsibility.”
“I’ll make a list,” she told him and started to leave.
He called her back.
“Thanks for staying,” he said, his gaze intense.
“I like Carter.” She liked Gideon, as well, but knew he wouldn’t accept the words as support or hear them as a good thing. Her feelings would be one more way he was trapped.
As she went upstairs, she wondered what he’d been like before he’d been captured. Given that he was a sniper and made his living killing people, she knew he would have been intense. But there must have been something lighter about him. Ellie had dated him, maybe loved him. In the picture, she’d been happy and affectionate.
Gideon might have laughed more quickly, gotten involved with the community. He might have trusted more easily. She knew there was no way she could begin to imagine all he’d been through. Torture was not an intellectual exercise. She’d been through mock imprisonments as part of her training. She’d been held in a windowless room, tied up and yelled at. But she’d known it wasn’t real, and she’d been unable to summon any real fear.
No one had hurt her. No one had cut her or beat her. She hadn’t thought she was going to die. Gideon had spent two years in hell, and that experience would have changed him forever. The question that remained was how much humanity remained and was it enough, now that he had a son.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THE NEXT MORNING Felicia signed the paperwork to enroll Carter in the summer camp. Somehow Mayor Marsha had come through, and both Felicia and Gideon were cleared to be emergency foster parents. They’d been given joint custody of Carter until the DNA test confirmed what they all knew. But for the next few weeks, she was a mother, albeit a temporary one.
Dakota Andersson checked the form, then smiled. “Sorry this is going so slowly. Our normal clerk is out sick today, so I’m pulling front-desk duty. I’m not so good with the paperwork.” She put the paper down and nodded at Carter.
“You’re in. The way our camp works is we divide kids by age, interest and sometimes gender. You’ll be with a group of guys who are your age. We have a buddy program. We assign you a fellow camper for the first week so you can meet people and fit in.”
Carter leaned against the counter. “What happens on the first day of camp? Isn’t everyone new then?”
“They are, which makes the buddy program pretty fun. No one knows where anything is and sometimes both buddies try to be in charge.”
Felicia privately thought that was a flawed system, but she decided not to mention that. If Dakota wanted help, she would ask for it.
“Reese Hendrix is going to be your buddy,” Dakota said. “He’s my nephew, so he has to behave.” She looked at Felicia. “He’s Kent’s son. Have you met Kent?”
“No, but I know who he is. I met your mother when she applied for the booth.”
Dakota groaned. “That was not a fun weekend. Ford nearly went through the roof when he found out. Kent and Reese were out of town, so Kent missed the whole thing.” She turned her attention back to Carter. “You ready?”
“Uh-huh. I left my lunch in the car. Let me go get it.”
Felicia followed him back to her car. “You have the cell phone if you need to reach me. There’s coverage up here, although I suspect the counselors frown on personal calls. An emergency is different.”
Carter grinned. “I know the rules, Felicia. I’ve done this sort of thing before.”
“That makes one of us.”
She gazed at him, at his shaggy hair and disproportionate body. He’d reached the stage of growth where he was all arms and legs. Her chest felt tight again—a not unpleasant sensation.
“Don’t worry,” he told her. “I’ll be fine.”
“You’re very brave.” She paused, wrestling with the truth. “Is it all right if I give you a hug or would you consider it inappropriate?”
He surprised her by stepping close and wrapping his long arms around her. She hugged him back. He was so skinny, she thought. All bones, but strong. As they hung on to each other, she understood that she would do all she could to protect this boy, no matter what.
He stepped back. “Better?” he asked.
She nodded and collected his lunch.
“I’ll be back at five,” she told him.
He waved and walked toward Dakota. Felicia watched him go, her chest still tight, but this time with too much emotion rather than its usual emptiness.
She might not be very good at the traditional aspects of mothering, but she wanted to learn. And being around Carter made her believe she really had a shot at being like everyone else.
* * *
“I TOLD YOU before,” Gideon grumbled. “Beige is a color.”
“Not for a thirteen-year-old boy.”
Felicia looked at the striped comforter set. The shades of blue were trimmed with a masculine burgundy. The bed skirt was navy, as were the pillow shams. She’d already picked out sheets and a blanket. Next up were towels.
She put the comforter set into the large cart and followed the signs to the bath section of the huge store. She chose yellow towels with a blue trim, then spotted a bath accessory kit.
“I love it!”
Gideon followed her to the shelf. “Isn’t he too old for dinosaurs?”
Felicia picked up the brightly colored toothbrush holder. There was a matching trash can and tissue box holder.
“Yes, by several years, but that’s not the point. It will make him smile. In a few months we can replace it with something more age appropriate.”
“If you say so.”She wasn’t sure, but the decision seemed right. Carter would understand that she didn’t see him as a little kid, but instead wanted him to feel comfortable. At least that was her hope.
After they paid for the purchases and loaded Gideon’s already full SUV, they stopped for lunch before heading back to Fool’s Gold.
They were seated in the outdoor patio of a small restaurant. Gideon leaned back in his chair, more relaxed than he had been in the past couple of days.
“You had a good time shopping,” he said.
“It’s fun. I hope Carter likes everything we got him.”
They’d stopped by a toy store where she’d chosen a rocket that was supposed to go several hundred feet in the sky, a couple of science kits, including one that promised a working solar panel, and a book called The Encyclopedia of Immaturity. Gideon’s picks had been more electronic in nature.
“You’re handling this well,” he told her.
“It’s easier for me. He’s not my child. You, on the other hand, just had this dropped in your lap.” She paused to enjoy her use of clichés. “It’s a lot.”
Gideon sipped his iced tea. “I’m fine.”
Exactly what Carter had said that morning. She wondered if either of them were telling the truth.
“He seems like a great kid. He’s smart and mature. He has a good sense of humor.”
Gideon smiled. “Which he got from his mother.”
“Was she funny?”
“She was nice. It was a long time ago.”
“Any regrets for what you missed?” Felicia asked.
“With Ellie or Carter?”
“Either. Both.”
“No regrets. I wasn’t cut out for what she wanted.”
“Which was?”
“Same as you.” His glanced at her. “She was all about getting married and having a family. I was still pretty young and looking to make my mark. A family was only going to slow me down.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“Yeah. More than once. I’m not sure she listened.”
“From what I’ve observed, many women don’t listen when men tell them the truth. They hear what they want to hear. It’s a failing I don’t understand.” She gave what she hoped was a genuine smile. “One of many. How did you meet Ellie?”
Gideon’s mouth twisted. “Some jerkwad hit a dog with his car and kept on driving. I stopped. I could tell the back leg was broken, maybe the hips, too. I picked him up and drove to the nearest vet’s office. Ellie was fresh out of vet school. Smart, pretty. I paid for the surgery, but couldn’t take the dog. She patched him up and found him a good home. Somewhere in there, I asked her out.”
Gideon would have tempted any young woman, Felicia thought. He was strong and handsome, but more than that, he was capable. Back then he would have been more open, would have cared more easily. She wondered if their sexual chemistry had been as powerful, but found she didn’t actually want to know the answer. If it was yes, she would be hurt. If it was no, she wouldn’t believe him. How irrational. If she accepted the yes as truth, why not the no?
“Why are you smiling?” he asked.
“I’m having a female moment,” she said happily. “My thoughts make no sense.”
“Why is that a good thing?”
“It’s progress. Before long I’ll be snapping at you for no reason.”
“Lucky me.” As he spoke, he reached his hand across the table and took hers. “Thank you. For all you’re doing.”
“You’re welcome. I like Carter. You don’t have to be afraid of him.”
He started to pull back, but she tightened her grip.
“It’s not him I’m afraid of,” he admitted.
She understood that. He would be afraid of himself. Of what he was capable of. Or not capable of.
“You need to try,” she told him.
This time he broke free and rested his hand on his lap. His face muscles tightened, and all emotion fled his eyes. She’d upset him, although being a man he would say that word wasn’t correct. A human male could be pissed or angry but never upset.
“You’re also avoiding me,” she said, deciding he was unlikely to drive off without her, and she might as well say it all while he was already irritated. “If you want me out of your bed, simply say so. I can sleep in the guest room.”
A muscle twitched in his jaw. “Stay in the damn bed. I’ll join you.”
She leaned toward him and lowered her voice. “If it makes you feel any better, I won’t make any advances. I don’t want you to be afraid of me sexually.”
She hoped the outrageous statement would get some kind of response from him.
Gideon stared at her for a second, then closed his eyes. “Kill me now,” he murmured.
She held in a smile. “I didn’t mean to intimidate you.”
“You don’t.”
“Then why aren’t you sleeping with me?”
He made a noise in his throat that sounded very much like a growl. “You want me there, I’ll be there.”
She did want him there. She wanted him na**d and making love with her, but under the circumstances, that might be too much. At this point, she would take what he could offer and wait for the rest.
Their situation had shifted. They were no longer dating. She was fine with that, because what they were doing was even better. They were pretending to be a family.
* * *
“FELICIA SAID I should come downstairs and—” Carter came to a stop in the center of the media room.
Gideon glanced up in time to see the teen grin as he picked up the cardboard carton.
“Xbox? You got an Xbox?”
Gideon pointed to the components. “It’s the Kinect. We’ll try it out after dinner.”
“I played at my friend’s house,” Carter said, dropping to the floor. “It’s fun. I can show you.”
“Good, because I have no idea how this works.” He motioned to a card on the coffee table. “That’ll give you some time online. To play with your friends.”
“Thanks.” Carter picked up the card and studied it. When he put it down, he drew in a breath. “Do you remember my mom?”
Gideon turned so he was facing the cables, even though they were already hooked up. He’d known the question was coming. Even so, he didn’t want to answer it. “Sure. I never forgot her. She was great.”