Smashing my lips together, I looked down. I hated myself. I hated this. I f**king hated Leather Jacket and White Man.
“I don’t know how to stop,” I whispered. There was no ‘get well’ help-book or guidelines on how to evict the slime from my soul. I entered into a relationship with Q never believing he would change or that he would find a balance between light and dark. I gave him my heart, all the while knowing I might only get a small sliver back in return.
But Q surprised me completely. He’d given his life freely to save mine. He let me murder his sense of self all in the name of bringing me back. And now I was asking for more. More—too much more.
Q seemed to follow my thoughts, my fears. His lips curled in frustration. “Toujours en train de mentir” Still lying.
I sucked in a breath as he jerked me forward; the thrill of his sharp teeth teased my ear lobe. His hot mouth made me tremble as he nibbled my skin. “It makes me so f**king hard for you, esclave, knowing you’ll be mine. All mine. My wife. It gives me unbelievable power knowing I’ll be responsible for your happiness.”
My head fell back as Q trailed threatening kisses down my neck to my collarbone. “And I take my responsibilities very seriously. I’ll make you happy again. I swear it.”
Tears sprang to my eyes; all I wanted to do was sink. Sink into his promises. Sink into the safety of letting him fight my battles.
Q’s body bristled, his hands dug into my thighs as his voice changed to a growl. “And when you’re happy again, I’m going to take you so hard you’ll scream. I’ll show you just how f**king happy you’ve made me by saying yes.” His teeth sank into my skin.
Pain.
“Kill her. If you don’t, we’ll cut off her fingers one by one.” Leather Jacket’s voice roared into my head.
I froze.
No. Stay. Don’t remember.
Piercing panic bulldozed its way through my heart. Horror and repulsion doused me in sleet and ice.
“Hit her, puta. Obey us otherwise we’ll do it ten times worse.”
Pain—it wasn’t a tool of love but a weapon of hate. It was heinous. It was barbaric.
Please...
I hated that I had no power to keep the badness from staining my life. I hated that I was so weak.
Squeezing my eyes, I focused on Q’s hot breath, the predatory way his teeth clamped hard. He didn’t break my skin, but the threat of pain was enough to make me lose it.
Blonde Hummingbird came alive behind my eyes. She’d been scratched and mutilated—by me. My stomach rolled. I wanted to throw up.
Stay with him. Stay in the present. Stay safe.
The cabin was too small. The air too stifling. The light tinged to soot while the scents of mould and sweat rose from the bowels of my nightmares.
“Tess. Tess!” Q reared back, grabbing my cheeks in both hands. “Goddammit, Tess.” His harsh temper acted like a vacuum, sucking up the horror as fast as it consumed me.
Where there had been rottenness and rank recollections, all that remained was my hyperventilating and jittery nausea.
I opened my eyes. Q’s gaze delved into mine, looking as if he’d reach in and tear my demons free if he could. I smiled as bright as possible. “Sorry. Airsickness.”
Q growled, standing upright. “Lies. What did I just say?” His face twisted into a mask of hurt anger. “That’s the last one I’ll let you say. The next one I don’t f**king care if you’re terrified, I’ll make you speak the truth.” He stalked across the small aisle and sat stiffly in his chair.
Shit.
Breathing hard, I looked around the cabin, trying to think of some way to fix this—fix myself. Nothing about the luxury interior or cylindrical aircraft gave hints of how to clear my mind from fear and be free.
Unbuckling my seatbelt, I crossed the small distance between us. It was my turn to kneel, settling myself between Q’s spread thighs. The sheer size of him, the air of ruthlessness, let me place all my trust in his belief—his belief that he could fix me.
“I wish I had something else to say. It seems as though all I do these days is apologise.”
Q sighed and for a moment I worried he’d cross his arms and ignore me. But then he brushed a blonde curl off my forehead, his jaw tight. “I wish I could tear out your memories so they leave you in peace. I wish I could kill those f**king bastards all over again. I want to forget about being human and let my inner monster tear them limb from limb.”
Q’s entire body tensed, vibrating with rage. Once upon a time I would’ve been turned on, scared, and intrigued by Q’s wrath. Now, after everything we’d been through, he no longer scared me. His anger filled me with happiness—he would do anything, be anyone, for me. To have such a wondrous gift made me ache with gratefulness.
I placed my hands on his knees. “I wish that, too.” The smoothness of the material over the hardness of his body sent my heart skipping a beat.
“What else do you wish for?” he demanded, sensing everything I wasn’t saying. Demanding to know the truth.
Sitting straighter, I confessed, “I need you to promise you won’t hate me. If I know you’ll be patient, I’ll fix myself. I swear it.”
Q shook his head sadly. “That’s what you’re afraid of? That I’ll grow impatient and leave you because you’re battling things you refuse to tell me?” Sitting tall, he glared into my eyes. “Have I given you any reason to doubt that I won’t wait for you past death if I must? Have I given you any cause for insecurity?”
Shit, he had a gift at making me suffer guilt. How could I ask him to wait for me when secretly I believed he’d walk away long before I was repaired?
“No. I’m sorry.” My shoulders slouched. Every part of me was heavy and cold. “You’ve been nothing but gentle and supportive.”
“I may get angry and pissed off at everything they’ve done to you—that’s my right as your future husband—but I give you my word: I take our relationship seriously. When I say the words ‘til death do us part’ I’ll mean them. There’s no escape once you sign that contract, Tess. Call me old fashioned or a possessive bastard, but you’re mine. Forever.”
My heart grew wings, and the fear that he’d throw me away dissolved. I believed him. No matter how long I took to come right, he would be there for me every step.
“I haven’t been fair to you. Je suis à toi, Q.” I’m yours.
His face lost the hardness; a flicker of adoration warmed his gaze. Pulling me upright, he placed me in the seat beside his. He pursed his lips as a thought flickered, then he shifted to reach into his back pocket. A crinkling sounded as he pulled something free. “I wasn’t going to give this to you, but I think you need reminding how strongly I feel for you. Yes, you’re mine, but I’m f**king yours through and through.” Passing the tattered piece of paper to me, he twisted in his seat, scowling out the window.
The plane’s engines whirred and purred as we descended faster from clouds to earth. The islands on the horizon were now spread below us, dotted with buildings and a slash of grey runway. My engagement ring flashed with expensive rainbows as I stroked the still-warm note.
I stared at the folded piece of paper as if it only had doom to tell me. I never expected Q to write a love letter. If he hadn’t wanted me to read it, why had he given it to me?
“Read it, woman. It’s not going to bite you,” Q muttered, still staring out the window.
Sucking in a breath, I unfolded the crinkles and smoothed it out. The sight of Q’s masculine cursive made me fall in love all over again. Everything he did was flawless.
Esclave…Tess
You won’t see this—just like I won’t tell you certain things about me no matter how long we’re married.
Fuck me. Married.
Me? I never thought I’d experience what others took for granted—until you, of course. You landed on my doorstep and stole my f**king heart the moment you fought me over the pool table. I’d never been so turned on and so utterly confused.
I tried to keep you safe from me, but I never thought I’d have to keep you safe from the bastards in my sordid life. I failed you, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over how much you’ve suffered—all because of me.
You were tortured because of me.
I could promise you the world. I could cut out my heart and present it at your feet. I could write sonnets and poems and lyrics all designed to spill my f**king guilt and remorse, but nothing will make the ache go away.
You were so strong once and now you’re stronger still. You think you’re broken, but I see the truth. Not only did you cut me out and force me to face my worst nightmare, but I feel as if you’ll disappear at any moment.
But you won’t be able to leave once you’ve said ‘I do.’ The moment you’ve signed and become Tess Mercer, your soul belongs to me. You’ll truly be mine, and I’ll own you forever. Maybe then the fear will go away.
Fuck, I truly hope so, because every day I’m going mad. Going insane with the thought of you walking out the door and leaving.
Once you’re truly mine, I might find the guts to show you a little of what I’ve hidden all my life. I want to welcome you into my world. I want to share everything that I am. I want to teach you everything that I know.
Fuck, Tess, you don’t get it. Do you understand that I’m not the one with the power—it’s you. You’re the one in control, and it kills me to admit it.
Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever look at me the same? Will you ever stop thinking that if you had never met me, you’d never have been taken the second time? If only I f**king sent you home when I had the chance. If only I stopped the darkness from building. If only—hindsight is a f**king bitch.
But if I had sent you away, my life would’ve remained the same. Empty. Lonely. So then I can’t regret falling for you even though my need for you almost killed you.
So you see? Vicious circle. Around and around. I’m the cause of your pain, yet I want more of it. I’m the reason you’re shattered but I want to be the one to glue you back together.
I’m such a selfish bastard.
Forgive me. Forgive my sins and I’ll split open my soul and let you in.
How ironic that you think I’ll leave you. How pathetic that you think you don’t deserve me. The truth is, I’m petrified you’ll finally see me as a monster and despise me. I’m a f**king mess.
You think I’m invincible. But I’m not. I’m weak. Weak for you and everything I taste when I’m with you.
Say yes. Please f**king say yes.
If you do, then I’ll be the best master and husband the world has ever seen. I’ll give you a life full of experiences and passion.
We’ll finally find peace in the dark—
There was no ending, almost as if Q couldn’t bear to write another word. Not even a full-stop gave closure to such a brutally exposing letter.
I’d been living a lie. A lie where I thought I only loved Q. I didn’t love him. I adored him. I worshipped him. I was alive because of him.
Light and colour and effervescent joy gave me the strength to slap away my guilt and embrace what Q just showed me.
Forgive him? There was nothing to forgive. We were both victims of cause and effect—pawns in a game of happiness and loss. We had each other—we won in the end despite everything we’d been through.
“I don’t need to say any vows, Q. You own my soul already.” I glanced at his frozen form. “I don’t need to forgive you because there’s nothing, nothing, that you’re guilty of. No crimes. No sins.” I waited for some acknowledgement that he was listening. He remained unyielding in the chair, only a twitch of his hand signalled he’d heard.
The airplane tyres slammed against tarmac as we went from flying to charging down the runway. My heart had been left in the clouds, dancing with the knowledge that a man so loyal and amazing as Q loved me.
I’d gone from unwanted to idolized. The shift in my world was so earth-shattering, I didn’t know how I stood or followed Q down the steps after we’d taxied to the airport. I existed in a bubble of awe as Q guided me into a sleek black limousine, and we pulled out of the airport. We hadn’t spoken, too flayed open to risk admitting that his letter had done what words could not. It gave us hope.
Safely seated in the back of the limo, Q turned to me, asking softly, “Now, do you understand?”
My eyes shot to his, holding his tortured gaze. “Now, I understand.”
Chapter Two
We’re altered, we’re abnormal, our souls stained with each other’s mark. Our souls are that of monsters born in the dark
Time was a fickle bitch.
It seemed only hours since I met Tess. Seconds since I touched her for the first time. Only moments since I hunted for her to take her home. All those blocks of twenty-four hours that built a wall from ever finding her had disintegrated, seeming to hurl me headlong into the future—the future I wanted so f**king bad.
My heart stopped as my mind filled with Rio. Seeing her like that—naked, tortured, bound—enraged me to the point of shedding all human fakery and turning savage. The metallic stench of death still coated my nostrils; the warmth of spilled blood steaming on my hands. Tess had looked like a corpse—a cracked out, mentally broken corpse. They’d infected her mind, her lungs, her very f**king soul, and I’d stolen her back only to lose her all over again.
It seemed only a minute ago when Tess walked away from me, shutting herself off forever, inciting panic, causing me to free all my birds because I couldn’t stomach the thought of ever caring for another life. It felt as if it were yesterday when I broke down and let her take my life—using me to spew all her internal blackness away.