I study his face for a few moments, as if somehow I can see past his carefully-guarded expression to the man beneath. To the man who makes my heart stir and my body tremble.
“Tell me a secret,” I say softly. “Something no one knows about you.”
He looks at me for a long moment, and I can’t tell whether he’s trying to build his courage or predict my reaction to whatever he’s about to reveal.
“I won’t judge you,” I assure him.
He reaches over and takes my hand. All trace of amusement is completely gone from his face, and his fingers clutch mine a little too tightly.
“I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you this,” he says, his eyes on our interlocked hands.
Oh, God. This is it, I realize with a jolt. I wasn’t actually expecting him to open up about his family’s secrets, not right here, but I want him to know that I’m willing to hear anything he needs to say. He looks so serious, and the way his brows have drawn together makes me want to reach out and hug him. I brush my thumb across the back of his hand, encouraging him. voice reminds me.
Calder glances to either side, as if he wants to make doubly sure that we’re alone. Even then, he leans forward and drops his voice to a whisper.
“You can’t tell anyone.”
“Of course not,” I say.
He squeezes my hand. His eyes search mine. “You must promise me.”
“I promise.”
His lips move to my ear. He’s squeezing my hand so tightly that my fingers start to tingle. He hesitates so long that I’m afraid he’s going to lose his nerve, and when he does speak, he’s so quiet I can hardly hear him.
“I’m a government agent, Lily.”
For a moment I think I haven’t heard him right. I almost ask him to repeat himself, but he’s already cracking, already fighting back a laugh. There’s a mischievous gleam in his eyes.
“Are you shitting me?” I say. “Are you seriously shitting me? I thought you were going to tell me something real!”
He’s grinning.
“Argh! I can’t believe you!” I try to punch him in the arm, but he catches me by the wrist.
“You have to admit that was a little funny,” he says.
“Ha, ha. That was hilarious.” I try to pull my wrist free, but he tightens his grip. “You’re supposed to tell the truth, you cheater. And it’s still your turn until you do.”
He raises my hand to his lips. “I just wanted to have a little fun first. You’re very sexy when you’re pissed at me.”
“Don’t you dare think you can sweet-talk your way out of this.”
His response is to pull me onto his lap and kiss me.
I’m still annoyed, but all that rushing blood only makes me hotter. I tilt my head back as Calder’s lips blaze across my cheeks and jaw. He groans and pushes me down onto my back beneath him.
“Serves you right, after that stunt you pulled with the pickle,” he murmurs.
When he kisses me again, I bite down on his lip. He growls, but the pain only seems to rile him more. His hands tear at my shirt. We’re like two wild animals, wrestling and clawing at each other.
“What are you doing to me?” he says. “God, Lily, you make me crazy.”
I respond by arching my back, pressing my body up against his.
“Tell me a secret,” I breathe into his ear. “A real one.”
He grinds against me and buries his face in my hair.
“Your skin tastes like summer,” he murmurs. “And sex.”
“No. A secret about you.”
He stops. For a moment he doesn’t move, and then he sits up, looks down at me.
I didn’t mean for him to stop. I reach up to him, trying to pull him back down on top of me, but he shakes his head. There’s something in his eyes that makes my stomach turn.
“You know,” he says, “I did want to be a spy when I was younger.”
All of the fire and mischief of a moment ago are gone. Calder moves off of me, and I scramble back into to a sitting position.
“Calder…”
“I guess it was all of those James Bond movies my father made me watch. I always assumed I’d be just like His shoulders are rigidI shouldn’t have asked him. It was never my intention to make him relive some unhappy memory, but I want to hear it. I want to know. I reach out and tentatively touch his cheek.
“Fast-forward a few more years,” he says without looking at me, “and I realized that I didn’t need to be a spy. I could have the cars and the women and the fancy suits without having to put myself in any danger. I got to travel all over the world, and I wasn’t burdened by having to do a job or protect anyone or anything like that. I wasn’t a spy, but I knew who I was, and I was happy with it.”
His eyes finally meet mine, and I feel like I can see his entire world shattering in their depths. He reaches out, brushes hair away from my forehead, but it’s a hollow gesture.
“But who am I now?” he says. “My whole life has been completely useless. I’ve never done anything of any real importance. And everything that used to define me is gone. Nothing’s left.”
“Don’t say that.” I touch his cheek, trying to draw him back to me. “There’s plenty left. Your means have changed, but you’re still the same person.”
“And what kind of person is that? I built my life on money and lies. On empty, superficial things. And that’s all it is—an empty, superficial life.” His eyes finally seem to focus on me again. “You deserve more than that, Lily.”
“You’re selling yourself short,” I tell him. “You’re—”
“Don’t argue with me,” he says. “My entire life, I’ve only bounced around from one pleasure to the next. I had the resources to do anything I wanted, and I never did anything of importance. Look at my sister. Look at my father, even. What did I do? I sat around and bullshitted my way through positions on a couple of museum boards—and only because my father insisted on it.” His gaze drops back to me. “Now I’m just a man with no job, no money, no special talents. All I have left is my name, and that isn’t necessarily a good thing these days.”
He’s scaring me. I try to sit up, but he shakes his head and holds me down. His shoulders are rigid“Is this really what you want, Lily?” he says. “A man who is nothing?”
“You’re not nothing!”