“No way. My reasons for staying quiet are still the same. I won’t blacken someone’s name without at least a little proof.”
“Yeah, but once the truth comes to light, whoever you’ve accused will be vindicated. Or not.”
He shook his head, saying, “The problem is, my closest friends will know I didn’t trust them. Maybe they’ll forgive me, maybe not, but from that moment on, no matter what I do, what I say, they’ll always wonder at my motives. That stuff doesn’t leave a person.”
Had he ever been accused of something he hadn’t done?
I must have asked the question aloud because he said, “When Justin started working with Anima, he hung around my team for information, just like the newest spy. I knew something was going on and stupidly blamed Boots and Ducky, members of the team you never got to meet.” As he spoke, he rubbed the tattoos of their names. “They were so mad at me, so hurt, they went hunting that night, I guess to prove their loyalty, and they found a nest of zombies. That’s the night they were killed. I can’t go through something like that again.”
“Cole—” I said, but he stopped me with another shake of his head.
“I’ll do more digging with Gavin and Veronica. And now let’s close this subject and revisit at another date. You said you had something to show me. Was it a kiss?” He backed me into the door, putting his body in front of me, and the hardwood in back of me, effectively caging me. And oh, good glory, had I just used the word hardwood? “Lately I haven’t been able to think about anything else.”
“Cole. No.”
“Just one more,” he said raggedly. “Then we’ll stop. Then maybe the madness will finally end and we’ll be able to be friends. I know you said we couldn’t be, but I don’t like the thought of being without you. I need you in my life, at least in some way.”
“Friends don’t kiss.” Besides, I’d already had my one more. Whimper. “Nana would hear us, we aren’t always quiet. She’ll come to the door, knock. I’ll be hugely embarrassed.”
“Okay.” He anchored his palms at my temples. “Okay.”
I had to stop breathing. He smelled too good, the scent of him invading my senses, making me dizzy with need and want and breaking through whatever new walls I’d managed to build against him. “You’re not acting like it’s okay.”
“When is the madness going to end?” he asked. “I must be obsessed with you, Ali. Addicted. Whatever I feel is definitely unhealthy. Without you, I’m having trouble eating and sleeping. I think about you all the time, wonder what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with. Do you know how many times I’ve been tempted to hunt you down and just carry you away?”
“Cole—”
He wasn’t done. “You’re smart, fierce, brave. You have a habit of staring off into space, your mind lost to your memories. When you love, you love with your whole heart. And your compassion... When Holly Dumfries went on a date with Chad Stevens, Kerry Goldberg—Chad’s ex—dumped a bottle of water on Holly the next day at school. You helped Holly clean up, even switched shirts with her. Yeah. I checked into the shirt thing. Then, when everyone made fun of Aubrey Wilson for getting pregnant, you offered to throw her a baby shower.”
My eyes were so wide they had to look like saucers. I’d had no idea he’d known about Holly and Aubrey, and the fact that he did, that he’d kept tabs on me... My knees were threatening to buckle.
“What am I going to do with you?” he asked softly. He pressed his forehead into mine. “I’ve thought about sending Gavin back to Georgia, but then I feared something would happen to force you to follow him, and I wouldn’t be able to see you.”
“Cole—”
“You were right to call me a coward before. I’m afraid of the future, Ali. I can’t stand the thought of you with him, so how am I going to survive the reality of it?”
I wanted to wrap my arms around him, which is exactly why I pushed him away. “You don’t trust me when I say I’m not interested in him in a romantic way, and that I’m not ever going to be interested in him. You trust the visions more than you trust me and my feelings, and I deserve better.”
There was torment in his eyes as he muttered, “You’re right.”
And like that, something seemed to break inside him.
He fell onto the bed, put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He stayed like that for a long while, simply breathing.
“Are you okay?” I asked softly.
“Not yet, but I will be.” He looked up, and I saw determination swimming in his eyes.
Determination to what?
It kind of...scared me.
I turned my back on him. Trembling, I said, “By the way, some of your friends aren’t happy with you lately. You’ve been really mean, apparently.” There. A safer topic.
“You want me to be nicer to them?” he asked almost carefully.
“Yes.”
He pushed out a breath. “Then I’ll be nicer.”
That easily? “Thank you.” I drew him toward the vanity. I sat down, keeping my gaze downcast. “Now, what I wanted to show you. Take a look at my reflection.”
“All right.” He remained at my back, his hands steady on my shoulders. “Is there something specific you want me to notice?”
“Watch what happens,” I said, and opened my eyes.
Z.A. grinned at me, and there was blood on her teeth.
My blood?
“What do you see?” I asked Cole, trying not to fidget.
He lifted my hair, bent down and placed a soft kiss at the curve of my neck. I stiffened, and his grip hardened, as did his gaze; he straightened. “I see you.”
A dangerous shiver stole through me. “No,” I said. “What do you see in the mirror?”
In the glass, his gaze met hers. He frowned. “I still see you.”
My brow furrowed with confusion. “You don’t see the black smudges?”
“No,” he said.
“Please. Introduce us.” She chuckled, the sound low and creepy. “He might prefer me.”
“Did you hear that?” I asked, clutching my stomach.
“Hear what?”
“Her.”
Comprehension dawned. “The dark presence you mentioned?”
I nodded.
“I didn’t.”
Dang it. Why? He could see and hear spirits in any form. He could see and hear Emma. Why not Z.A., too?
A hard knock pounded at my door. “Dinner’s ready,” Gavin called.
Scowling, Cole straightened. I stood, a little relieved.
“We’ll continue this later,” he said. A promise.
“All right.” An evasion.
We were silent as we headed into the kitchen.
Chapter 19
Go to Sleep, My Darlings
Gavin stayed the night, as promised. But then, so did Cole.
Cole took the couch, and Gavin made a pallet on the floor. I tossed and turned, knowing they were both out there, so close. Gavin, perhaps watching over me; Cole, definitely watching over Gavin. Testosterone charged the air.
I couldn’t sneak out to meet Dr. Bendari—even though I’d promised I wouldn’t renege on him again. The boys would catch me. All I could do was lie in bed and think.
Was Gavin the spy?
Was Veronica, via someone else?
Were they working together?
I...didn’t think so. At least, when I really thought about it, I still believed in Gavin’s innocence.
Was I right about him? Could I trust myself with this, when I couldn’t trust myself with anything else?
You had better. You scolded Cole for not trusting you.
True.
Okay, so I’d take my own advice, no muss, no fuss. I would believe in Gavin.
That left Veronica. She had to be working with the spy. And, sure, there was a good chance my jealousy was coloring my perception of her. But what if it wasn’t?
How were we going to find out the truth? It was too late for me to try and be friends with her and learn more about her. That ship had sailed, and the storm had already beaten us down, left us adrift. I wouldn’t be able to fake a change of heart. No matter what I did, she would never believe me.
Cole would have to feel her out—or up. Would he decide to continue his romance with her? Maybe. Just how far would he allow himself to go with her? Exactly what would he have to do to soften her enough to catch her in the act?
A few kisses? A few caresses?
Sex?
I had no right to feel hurt by the thought of Veronica and him getting together again. No matter the reason. I had no right to be upset. And we desperately needed answers. But...
Like every time before, I was hurt. I was upset.
I forced myself to think about something else. Something less painful. Like Z.A. I snorted. In what world was the creature trying to take over my body a safer topic?
Simple. Mine.
Did she have any weaknesses?
I couldn’t think of one.
By the time the sun rose, my nerves were frayed. I lumbered out of bed, showered and dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that read Always Be Yourself Unless You Can Be a Kat Then Always Be a Kat. A housewarming gift from, surprise, surprise, Kat.
In the living room, I discovered the blankets Gavin and Cole had used were folded, and the couch cushions were pushed back into place. Both boys were gone, and neither had left a note.
Had Cole rushed off to see Veronica?
Biting the inside of my cheek, I stomped into the kitchen.
“Good morning,” Nana said, having just finished off an egg sandwich.
“Morning.”
“I hope you’re hungry. Cole did all of this, and he made you a plate before he left.” Nana slid a massive pile of scrambled eggs, bacon and biscuits in my direction. “He told me to tell you to eat every crumb or else. Oh, and he also left you a note.”
She handed me a folded piece of paper.
Don’t give up on me the way I gave up on you. Please. Somehow I’ll find a way to make it up to you.