She looks out the window at the lights of Boulder up ahead. I expected a little more confidence from her, but lying doesn’t gain you trust. And even though all that stuff I just said was true, the lies are buried underneath them. I hate lying to her. Especially about JD. But I have no choice because he knows. If Lanie is dead—and she most definitely is—then I’ve been played. And the people playing me are playing him right now too.
“Where are we going?” Blue asks as I turn onto a street that takes us back out of town, but in a different direction than the one we came from.
“My office,” I answer.
“Oh,” she says softly. Like I’ve disappointed her again.
We drive for ten more minutes before the industrial park where I rent space comes into view.
“You own a warehouse?” she asks, as we pull into the garage after the door rolls up.
I hit the button on the keychain remote and the door closes behind us, the only light in the whole place coming from the green glow of the dashboard. “I do.” I turn the engine off and the place goes dark. “Stay here until I hit the lights.” She says nothing to that, just sits as I get out and feel my way over to the wall and hit the switch.
The whole place flickers to life as I walk back over to the car and open Blue’s door.
“What do you keep here?” she asks as she accepts my hand and gets out. “Besides cars, obviously.”
I have several vehicles. A panel van. Another Jeep, this one very well-equipped. And a little Mazda, for speed.
“Servers. For the business. You can’t just put porn on a regular web host. They won’t let you. So I bought this building and filled it with servers so we can be our own web hosts. Ray does it too, but he keeps his servers in his Denver building. I wanted ours to be removed from where we live. I didn’t want anyone to know where they were.”
“Why not?”
“Attacks,” I explain, as I lead her up the stairs to the living area. “People are always trying to shut Ray down. We do it all by the book, Blue. It’s one hundred percent legal.”
“That doesn’t make it right.”
Her accusatory tone hurts more than I’d like to admit. And why should she be on board with what we do? She was held against her will by a pervert who takes pleasure from enslaving girls as baby breeders. It’s not really the same. But it’s not really different either.
“I know that,” I reply. “I do. I just got caught up in the money and the success. But I’ve got my head on straight now. I swear.”
“How often do you come here?” she asks, walking around the apartment, touching the leather couch, tracing a finger along the granite countertop in the kitchen. “It’s pretty nice for an office.”
And here we go. Lie number one, starting from the top. “I don’t go out of town, Blue. So those trips you thought I was on? I was here. Working on the servers and coordinating contracts with other producers.”
“I thought it was JD’s job to get the producers?” She takes a seat on the couch and leans into the plush, overstuffed arm, bringing her feet up and tucking her hands under her cheek, like she’s exhausted and might fall asleep at any moment.
I sit down on the opposite end of the couch, not quite sure if she wants me close or not. “He gets clients. But only the smalltime ones. He has no idea how big we really are.”
“Because you lie to him?”
I don’t know why I’m shocked at her audacity, but I am. “Yeah,” I answer truthfully. “I lie to him. I lie to Ray. I lie to you. I even lie to me.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for the existential struggle you wrestle with over being the bad guy?”
OK. Right to the chase. “It’d be nice if you did.”
“Why should I? If you’re just a liar who sells sex?”
“Because I’m asking you to trust me.”
“And what about JD? Am I supposed to just forget that I love him? Have you forgotten already that you love him?”
“No, Blue.” I scoot over next to her and place a hand on her shoulder. She’s still all wrapped up in her winter coat, so I can’t get much of a connection. But I need her to understand this part, at least. “Not at all. I’m never going to stop loving JD. And you know, I’d love for all of this tonight to be a misunderstanding.” I let out a long exhale, hating myself for what I have to say next. Hating myself for the lies I have to tell her right now. “I’d love for him to tell me he was making that shit up. That he didn’t sell those films to the assholes who took his kid. Took your best friend and her baby. I don’t want this to end. At all. That’s part of my problem, Blue. I like this life. A lot. OK? I know making and distributing porn isn’t the classiest of jobs, but Ray makes it work. Ray’s a good guy, you know? I love him too. He’s like a father to me. Not everything about this business is bad. Not all of it is dirty.”
“But it’s all tainted.”
“Jesus Christ, OK, yeah, I get it. It’s filled with lowlifes. But—” I stop. Am I really going to defend porn as a way out? I mean, sure, some girls use it that way. Some make money, leave, go to school or whatever. Use it to create an opportunity for a better life. But most don’t. Most get stuck in it. Addicted to the money, or drugs, or even the sex. The lifestyle. Most never get out until they’re forced out because of diseases, or age, or addiction. “Look, I’m not going to defend what I do, and I’m not going to defend the fact that I could live like this indefinitely. I’ve made tens of millions of dollars in a couple of years. It’s not a bad way to pass the time.”