This was easier...but it wasn't easy.
Chapter 22
Choices
Kellan looked different when I made my way downstairs in the morning. Not physically. Physically, he was still achingly perfect. Well, maybe his deep blue eyes were more tired than usual, but neither one of us had slept at all last night. No, he looked different emotionally. He didn't look up when I entered the room. He gave me no cheery greeting, just kept staring blankly into his coffee mug, seemingly lost in thought.
I walked over to him and grabbed his still full cup, setting it on the counter and breaking his focus. He turned his head and looked at me wistfully. Then he kissed me lightly and slipped his arms around my waist. I laced my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder, pulling him into a tight embrace.
"I can't believe I'm going to say this," he whispered, and I automatically tensed. "Last night can't happen again, Kiera."
I pulled back and looked at him, hurt and confused, and a little scared.
He looked over the emotions on my face, then sighed. "I love you and you understand what that phrase means to me. I don't say it...to anyone...ever." Gently removing my arm from around his neck, he grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. "There was a time when I would have been fine with this. I would have taken any part of yourself you wanted to give me, and found a way to deal with the rest..."
He ran our laced fingers over my cheek. My face softened at his words, but I was still confused and scared. He sighed as he looked me over. "I want to be the kind of man you deserve to have." I started to interrupt him, and he put our fingers over my lips. "I want to be honorable-."
"You are," I interrupted, pulling our fingers from my lips. "You are a good man, Kellan."
"I want to be the better man, Kiera...and I'm not." He sighed again and looked up to where Denny was still sleeping, then back down to me. "Last night wasn't the honorable thing to do, Kiera...not under Denny's nose like that."
I frowned and felt tears of guilt and shame sting my eyes. He recognized my look and instantly understood. "No...I didn't mean, you're not... I wasn't trying to insult you, Kiera." He held me close as a couple of tears escaped my eyes.
"Then what are you trying to say, Kellan?"
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I want you to leave him...and stay with me." He slowly opened his eyes. They were suddenly very fearful.
I gaped at him, at a complete loss for words. Was he giving me an ultimatum? Making me finally choose?
"I'm sorry. I was going to be stoic, and say nothing for as long as you wanted me, but then we made love...and I've, I've never had that...and I just can't go back to who I was before. I want you and only you and I can't bear the thought of sharing you. I'm sorry." He looked down sadly. "I want to be with you the right way - in the open. I want to walk into Pete's with you on my arm. I want to kiss you every time I see you, no matter who's looking. I want to make love to you without fear of someone finding out. I want to fall asleep with you in my arms every night. I don't want to feel guilty about something that makes me feel so...whole. I'm sorry, Kiera, but I'm asking you to choose."
I continued to gape at him as tears now rolled down my cheeks. The picture he painted was so wonderful. I could see it - a future with him, a life with him. A part of me, a large part of me, wanted that. But the rest of me saw warm, sparkling brown eyes and a goofy grin. "You're asking me to destroy him, Kellan."
He closed his eyes and swallowed. "I know," he whispered. When he reopened his eyes, they were glistening. "I know. I just...I can't share you. The thought of you with him, it kills me, now more than it ever did before. I need you. All of you."
Panic flared through me at the thought of losing one of them. "What if I don't choose you, Kellan? What will you do?"
He looked away, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I'll leave, Kiera. I'll leave, and you and Denny can have your happily ever after." He looked back at me. "You wouldn't even need to tell him about me. Eventually, the two of you..." his voice broke and another tear fell on his cheek, "the two of you would get married, and have children, and have a great life."
I fought back a sob. "And you? What happens to you in that scenario?"
"I...get by. And I miss you, every day," he whispered.
Finally a sob did break free, and to reassure myself that he was still here in front of me, that the horror he had described hadn't yet happened, I grabbed his face and kissed him intensely. I felt more of his tears land on my skin as he returned my kiss just as intensely. We broke apart, breathless, and rested our foreheads together as our tears continued to fall.
"Kiera...we could be amazing together," he whispered.
"I need more time, Kellan...please," I whispered back.
He kissed me softly. "Okay, Kiera. I can give you time, but not forever." He kissed me again and I finally felt my heart start to slow to normal, the ice in my belly melting. "I don't want to hang around the house with him today. I'm going over to Evan's."
I clutched at him, my heart racing again. Seeing my panic, he soothingly said, "I'll see you at Pete's tonight. I'll be there." He kissed me again, and started to pull away from me.
"Wait...now? You're leaving now?" I asked in a near whine.
He ran his hands down my hair, then brought them to my cheeks. "Spend the day with Denny. Think about what I said. Maybe you'll be able to..."
Decide? Decide which heart I would break? I didn't see how I could ever decide that.
He didn't finish his thought, he simply brought his lips to mine and kissed me for what felt like hours, but when he pulled away, it suddenly felt like mere seconds. Smiling wistfully at me, he turned and left the room, and then a few moments later, the house. I turned to stare at his full cup of coffee on the counter and wondered what I was going to do.
In the end, I laid myself down on the couch, and sobbed until sleep took me.