“You still dig him.”
“No. Maybe.” She sighed. “I don’t want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I’m with him. I was even wearing my Mickey Mouse pj’s and he liked them.”
Sara laughed. “You know, maybe these slut moments of yours are your body’s way of saying you need to loosen up.”
“Well, I can’t get much looser!”
Sara’s smile faded. “That’s not true. You’re still wound pretty tight.”
“Yes, because I’m trying to adapt to this latest side trip from my plan,” Emily said.
“Oh, for God’s sake. How many times do I have to tell you? Screw the plan, Emily. Life can’t be lived off a damn plan, babe.”
“Yes, it can,” Emily protested. “You have to dream it to live it, babe, and I have the dream all figured out.”
“Right,” Sara deadpanned. “L.A. Taking care of Dad. Some version of the John . . . There are so many stupid things wrong with your plan, I don’t know where to start.”
“Name one thing wrong with it,” Emily said.
“Going back to Los Angeles to try to reconnect with a guy who doesn’t even care what you’ve been up to? I mean, it’d be one thing if he’d called, e-mailed . . . texted.”
It was uncomfortably close to what Wyatt had voiced to her. “I can kill my own spiders.”
“Huh?” Sara asked.
“Never mind!”
“Listen, Em. Working at some fancy vet clinic isn’t the right dream for you.”
“Oh, but hiding out in Idaho and pretending all is well while hammering nails is?” Emily asked.
Sara stared at her, then turned off the stove and walked out of the kitchen.
Emily turned and looked over at Q-Tip, sitting on one of the kitchen chairs like she owned it.
Q-Tip gave her a long, slow, you-are-an-idiot blink with her yellow eyes. Emily sighed. Thunked her head on the table a few times—which didn’t help much—and got up, following Sara into their small living room. “I’m sorry. That was out of line.”
“Not really, since it’s the truth.” Sara had plopped onto the couch, feet up on the coffee table, her boots still on.
Emily bit her tongue over that, moved to the end of the couch, lifted Sara’s feet and dropped them to the floor. Then she sat, too.
Sara sighed and set her head on Emily’s shoulder. “I’m hiding out rather than face my stupid heart. Happy now? And you’ve been charging forward ever since—”
Emily shut her eyes. “Don’t.”
“—Mom died,” Sara finished.
Emily felt the stab of pain behind her left breast. It was a familiar pain by now. At first, after the funeral, she’d actually thought she was having a heart attack. In a very scary round of tests at the ER, she’d learned that anxiety could present like that.
Humiliating. Especially since Emily had refused to believe it at first. She wasn’t an anxious person. She was a person who missed her mom like she’d miss a damn limb. That was all. It was pure grief, and that it could manifest itself so powerfully, in such a physical way had left her feeling weak and even more unhappy.
So she’d read some books and learned that making definite plans was one good way to cope.
So that’s what she’d done.
She’d made some damn plans. “There’s nothing wrong with charging forward with your life,” she said.
“But it’s like you’re on a mission to live your life perfectly, without regrets,” Sara said. “But Emily, regrets are a damn way of life.”
“I know that. I’m living with that.”
“What regrets do you have?” Sara asked.
Laying her head back against the couch, she stared up at the ceiling. They had some cobwebs up there. Hopefully no spiders.
“Em?”
“I regret that Mom died so young.”
“I know,” Sara said. “We all regret that. But she gave us a lifetime of love. Remember what she always told us? Follow your heart, cuz a heart’s never wrong.”
Emily smiled, but it slowly faded. “I just meant that I hate she died without having anything to show for her life.”
“Nothing to show for her life?” Sara asked incredulously. “She loved her life.”
“We were poor, Sara. Dirt poor. Our apartment—”
“Was her home, and we were her life. She didn’t care about anything else. And I’m sorry, but you disrespect her memory by suggesting otherwise.”
Emily got that, she really did, but Sara hadn’t been around. Only Emily had known how much Mom had suffered in the end. “She could have had more. Dad—”
“Taught us to love ourselves and every other living creature. Sure, he’s a damn tree hugger, and he’d save a rattlesnake if it crossed his path, but hey, snakes are people, too.”
Emily choked out a laugh. “Face it, he could have provided better if he wanted to, Sara. He chose to spend most of his time at the shelters.”
“Yeah, well, he does have a real savior complex.” Sara slid her a look. “Like someone else I know.”
“Not me,” Emily said just as Q-Tip leapt into her lap for a rare nuzzle.
Sara laughed. “The apple never falls far from the tree.”
“Not true,” Emily argued. “Dad would save a damn ant crossing his path on the sidewalk.”
“Hello,” Sara said. “Have you met you? You had an ant collection when you were young and named each and every one of them. And Sassy. Remember Sassy? She was the bird you found on our back porch, the one who’d fallen out of a tree. You fed it baby food and made her a new nest on the ground until she could fly again. And how about Stinky, the baby skunk you rescued? You laid down the law, threatened to sleep outside in the grass alongside of him if Dad didn’t let you keep him.”
Emily stared at her. “That was different.”
“How?”
She squirmed a little. “Well, for one thing, I was a kid. I never did anything to the detriment of my family.”
“If that’s how you’re remembering things,” Sara said, “I don’t think we grew up in the same house.”
Emily blew out a breath.
“We always had a roof over our head. And food.”
Barely . . . But she knew Sara couldn’t ever really understand because she’d already been at college when the MS kicked in, leaving their mom unable to care for herself. Most people took for granted being able to do for themselves, but that had been cruelly wrestled away from the woman who’d always prided herself on her independence. The simple act of getting bathed, dressed, doing her hair, feeding her, everything, had fallen to others.
Emily’s dad had been drowning in his own grief knowing he was going to lose his wife, and as he had all his life when things got tough, he’d worked. Twenty-four seven. Whatever it took to keep him from having to face the truth. “You weren’t there when it got bad, you were in Chicago getting your PhD in philosophy,” Emily said.
“I know.” Sara sighed. “I’d call and Mom just kept saying she was fine, that I didn’t have to come home.”
“She didn’t want anyone to see her, or how bad it’d gotten.”
Sara reached out for Emily’s hand. “You were both good at convincing me all was well.”
Emily blew out a breath. “We were fine.” Until they weren’t.
“It’s funny, because I hate philosophy now,” Sara said quietly. “I’ve got this piece of paper, a very lovely gold-lined, framed piece of paper that says people should call me Dr. Stevens.” She snorted. “Really comes in handy on the job site.”
Sara squeezed her fingers, her expression unusually solemn. “You did great with her, Em. I know it was a lot, but you did it, you took care of her when neither me nor Dad could. But ever since then, you’ve had this plan, and you’re so . . . clenched. And I get it, I’m betting that for you, knowing what’s coming every day is a comfort.” She smiled. “Maybe you should put ‘hot sex with Dr. Sexy’ on your plan.”
Emily choked out a laugh. “Not going to happen. I know you don’t get it but I don’t want to end up like Dad. I don’t want to have half my patients be pro bono. I want to pay off debts and actually earn a living. I want to keep my eyes on the prize. And L.A.’s the prize. Plus, Dad needs someone to take care of him.”
“Since when?”
“Since always. And you’re not exactly earning a ton of money with those fancy degrees,” Emily said. “The starting salary of that L.A. job is double what the Belle Haven position pays. I’m going to be able to take care of us.”
“We can take care of ourselves,” Sara said.
“Yeah?” Emily asked. “How?”
Sara’s eyes narrowed, but she didn’t respond. Couldn’t, Emily knew. Emily paid the rent on this place. “It’s the way it is,” she said. “And if saying so out loud makes me shallow and cruel, well, then, that’s what I am.”
“You’re not shallow or cruel,” Sara said. “If you were shallow, you’d get a haircut that cost more than twenty bucks and you’d wear more than just a swipe of mascara and the occasional lip gloss. You’d tell me I was an idiot for dumping Rayna.”
“You’re an idiot for dumping Rayna.”
Sara let out a mirthless laugh. “You’re wrong, you know. Your family, what you have left of it anyway, me and Dad, we’re fine. We’re all fine.”
“Yeah,” Emily said. “Until someone gets MS.”
They both stared at the ceiling like it was their job.
“I don’t want to fight about this,” Emily finally said.
“Good. Let’s go back to you and Dr. Sexy instead. You know he’s not my type, but if he was a chick I’d totally be into him. You need to go for it.”
“I can’t go for it,” Emily said.
“Why?”
“I just can’t. Drop it.”
“Not until you tell me why.”
“Because . . .” Emily hugged herself. “Because I’m not sure I can keep it casual.”
Sara’s eyes sharpened. “You falling for him?”
“No.” God. She winced. Yes. “Maybe.”
Sara stared at her as if she’d just broken out into a song and tap dance.
“I can’t help it!” Emily said. “He offered to squish spiders for me!”
“Huh?”
“Never mind! Never mind all of it, it’s stupid. I’ve lost my mind.”
“Honey.” Sara shook her head. “I didn’t know this. If I’d have known this, I wouldn’t have teased you about him. You’re supposed to just sleep with him, not fall for him.”
“Did you hear the stupid part?” Emily asked. “I know I can’t fall for him—” She broke off and stared at Sara. “Wait. I know why I can’t fall for him, why do you think I can’t fall for him?”
“First rule of one-night stands,” Sara said. “No falling. It negates the whole one-night stand thing. And . . .” She winced. “Okay, listen, don’t hate me. But I’m here to tell you that a five can’t fall for a ten. It won’t work out.”
Emily just stared at her. “Was that English?”
“I’m a five and Rayna is a ten. It didn’t work out.”
“Because you bailed,” Emily said. She blinked. “Wait a minute. You think I’m a five and Wyatt’s a ten?”
“Honey—”
“Oh my God,” Emily breathed, staring at the guilt flashing on Sara’s face. “You do. You think I’m a five and Wyatt’s a ten.” She shook her head. “Ouch.”
“I think five’s are real,” Sara said. “Five’s are the best kind of people, and that’s what we are. Trust me, Emily, you don’t want to fall for anyone over a five. They’ve been pretty all their lives. They’ve never had to struggle. They’ve never had to fight for a single thing or person, nothing. They’ve never been disappointed, or hurt. I’m just looking out for you, sister to sister.” Sara scooted in and hugged her. “Let’s find you a new one-night stand, okay? He can be a five. That way if it turns into more, you’re ready.”
“You’re a nut,” Emily said. “A certifiable nut.”
“Yes, and luckily, it runs in the family.”
Fifteen
One week later, Wyatt walked by the staff kitchen and caught sight of Emily sitting at the common table in front of her opened laptop, on the phone.
“Uh-huh,” she said into the receiver. “Yeah . . .” She was still leaning into her laptop, clearly avidly reading whatever was on the screen.
Wyatt stepped into the room as she spoke again. “I’m on a lunch break,” she said. “And absolutely not obsessively checking the auction bidding.”
Except she totally was. Wyatt could see it. He scanned the list over her shoulder and grinned wide when he realized she had her mouse hovered over . . .
Him.
“I’ve been outbid by no less than five other people,” she said. “Yeah, and now he’s up to . . . five hundred dollars—” She broke off to listen to whoever was speaking on the other end of the line—he was betting Sara.
“Damn that Cassandra. No, I’m not going to bid five hundred bucks,” she said. “Are you kidding me? With that much money, I could fly us home to visit Dad for the weekend. I could get that new transmission for my car. I could take us to a spa day and get the works— Yes, I realize we’ve never been to a spa, Sara, the point is that we could go to one if we wanted— I’m not being ridiculous!” She sighed. “Look, I’ve gotta go.”