He worked on autopilot, stacking the dishes next to the sink while his brain whirled. Liam might be fed up with Raine now, but the minute the man eased up, she would revert to giving only the tiniest morsels of herself so she didn’t have to truly bare her soul. When would she realize that refusing to share the real her with everyone who cared wouldn’t lead her to the fulfillment she craved?
Cursing, he carried another stack of plates into the kitchen. The entire room looked like an atomic bomb had detonated.
“And she was going to clean this mess up with a goddamn migraine? Right…”
At the sound of angry footsteps, Hammer turned to see Liam striding into the room, barreling down like a train. The prick didn’t say a word, just launched a solid right hook into his jaw. Dazed, Hammer stumbled back, colliding with a stack of dishes that teetered on the edge of the counter, a breath away from crashing to the floor.
“Back the fuck away from Raine. She’s not your ‘precious.’ She’s mine.”
He narrowed his eyes, massaging his chin, and stared at Liam. “Do you feel better now?”
“Not really. I’d rather smash your teeth down your throat, you selfish wanker. You could have had Raine any bloody time in all the years she’s been here, but ever since I collared her, you can’t seem to stay away.”
“What the hell? She got sick. I tried to help her, asshole.”
“By undermining me. And I still haven’t forgiven you for dragging her to your bed the second I claimed her. Why won’t you go the fuck away?”
“Because it’s my club, thank you very much. We both know that last-minute training collar was a convenient way for you to get her into bed. Pot, meet kettle.”
“Piss off, fuckwit.” Liam rubbed at his knuckles.
“What’s really got your dick in a twist? That she loves me? That she wants me? Or that she feels safe with me and doesn’t want to leave Shadows?” Hammer expected to feel his friend’s right hook again any second. Instead, hurt flared in Liam’s eyes.
“We’re bloody stuck here because a BDSM club is the closest thing Raine’s ever had to a real home. And she can’t break her connection with you because you won’t leave her alone long enough to let her.”
Guilty. He should have given Raine a proper home outside the club. He should have backed the hell off when she’d accepted Liam as her Dominant. But if he had, he would have lost Raine, probably for good. His guts clenched at the thought of her no longer in his life.
“You break her heart and fucking make her cry,” Liam railed on. “And me? Hell, you can’t stop laying on the accusations, taking every cheap shot you can.”
And didn’t that make him feel like a thousand kinds of an asshole? For years, Hammer had clung to Raine like a safety line. He never drew her to his shore, just gripped the goddamn rope tighter and tighter, afraid of losing her and the contentment she gave him, equally terrified that if he embraced her, he’d destroy her. If being with Liam made her happy, he should drop the rope and let her go.
His lungs burned as he tried to suck in a breath. Panic set in. His conscience screamed in the back of his brain that he should do the right thing…for once. But even if he kicked himself in the ass for not giving her what she needed, he was still a selfish bastard. In the end, he couldn’t give her up.
“Liam—”
“Shut the fuck up. Sometimes I wonder why I’m bothering when neither one of you seems to want me here. I’m sick to death of fighting you both.”
Liam sounded damn close to giving up on Raine. Somehow, that wasn’t nearly as satisfying as Hammer had imagined. In fact, he’d never seen the man so near the end of his rope, not even when Gwyneth had betrayed him.
Guilt oozed through his pores. Hammer would rather cut off his nuts with a rusty blade than examine this shitstorm, but no avoiding it now. He’d been blinded by his goddamn jealousy. He’d been too busy backbiting and lashing out to see that he was not only neglecting to consider Raine’s needs, but destroying a brotherhood.
Hell, he had been a fuckwit. He should say something, offer an olive branch of some sort. This feud wasn’t helping Liam, himself, or Raine.
“Listen—”
“Not another bloody word.” Liam gave Hammer a mighty shove, sending him stumbling back. “Raine needed guidance for six fucking years, and you did little but isolate and ignore her. You would have contorted yourself to help any other sub grow. If another Dom had treated her the way you have, you’d have killed him. What happened to you?”
Juliet.
“I used to look up to you,” Liam went on. “I don’t know who the fuck you are anymore.”
The man’s temper and accusation sparked his own. “You’re not perfect yourself. You didn’t have my permission to touch Raine, but you took her anyway. You knew I was in love with her. Some friend you are, forcing me to watch you fuck the only woman I’ve cared about since Juliet. You don’t know who I am? Fuck you. That street runs both ways.”
“Oh, quit your bellyaching about how I stole Raine from you when you were too daft to make her yours in the first place.” Liam’s face tightened, his fists clenching. “I won’t apologize for falling in love with her. At least I’ve tried to put her first. For years, Raine begged you for attention, but you were too busy dancing the mattress tango with every other sub. Think what you want of me, but the way you’ve treated the so-called ‘first woman I’ve cared about since Juliet’ is despicable. If you truly care for Raine, you’ll let her go. If not, you’re going to destroy her. And there’ll be no mending this rift between us.”
“I share a decade with you—a roof, a bed, my goddamn wife—and you’re ready to toss our friendship out for a woman you’ve been fucking for three weeks?”
“Are you a relationship guru now who knows exactly how long it takes to fall for someone? I love Raine. That eats you up. Admit it.”
“Damn straight it does, just like the fact that I love her too crawls up your ass and festers. You know the difference? I shared. I opened my fucking marriage to you because I thought Juliet needed you. Raine needs me. And you tell me that I can only talk to her about work with the door open? Nice reciprocation, asshole.”
“I invited you back to New York after I married Gwyneth.”
“What was I supposed to do in the middle of your newly wedded bliss besides be your third wheel?”
“I asked you to live with us so we could share her. I didn’t think I had to spell out the obvious.”
“I wanted no part of that bitch. Liam, she didn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.”
“It has nothing to do with her. You were too bloody busy with your club and your endless parade of fuck bunnies.”
“Every one of those subs kept me from returning to New York so you didn’t have to go through the hell with Gwyneth that I did with Juliet.”
Liam gaped at him. “You dipping your wick in every hole was somehow for my benefit? I’ve got to hear this.”
“I didn’t share Gwyneth with you because I worried it would ultimately drive her to something reckless.”
“Like Juliet? That’s ridiculous. Your wife was quiet and meek—nothing like Gwyneth. Juliet was a bit screwed up, too. Lousy excuse, Hammer.”
“Yeah?” Hammer whirled around, panting between clenched teeth as he searched for something to throw, to hit, to fucking break. “When you called to tell me that you were filing for divorce, what was the first question I asked you?”
“You asked why.” Liam shrugged. “So? What are you blathering on about? You know why Gwyneth and I split up. She liked my money. Oh, and she liked fucking her personal trainer and his boyfriend. What does any of that have to do with Juliet?”
“I asked you why you left Gwyneth because I gave a shit. Because I cared about you.”
Hammer kicked the wall, then grabbed a plate from the counter and hurled it across the room. Hearing the crash and seeing the white china shatter wasn’t nearly as satisfying as he’d hoped.
“Why the devil are you breaking the dishes?” Liam stared at him as if he’d lost his mind.
“You never asked me why,” Hammer whirled back on Liam, his chest heaving. “Didn’t you care why Juliet swallowed a whole fucking bottle of pills in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? You called. You said all the right things.” He choked. “But you never asked why. You weren’t fucking there when I needed you most.”
Rage poured out from him like hot bacon grease, sizzling his skin, burning away all his self-control. He wanted to hurt something, destroy it, preferably Liam. The dumb prick stood gawking at him like he was still trying to figure out the puzzle. Goddamn if that didn’t infuriate him, too.
Hammer reached for the next plate on the stack and zinged it across the room, the splintering of the delicate china firing up the beast inside him.
Liam stared, blinking, barely breathing. “Hammer, I didn’t… Can you stop destroying the place long enough for me to say something? Christ, man. You’ll wake the fucking dead! Or worse, Raine.”
Liam grabbed the next plate away, and Hammer felt a fresh wave of fury crash through his head as he lurched to snatch it back. “Give that to me!”
“No. You obviously want to talk about Juliet and what I didn’t do right. How was I to know? Before I could even come home, you had her cremated and buried, like you’d filed her away in a dusty cabinet. I didn’t even get to say good-bye. I thought you just wanted to forget her and move on.”
Hammer clenched his jaw. He’d been keeping the lid closed on this can of worms for years. Keep pushing, and I’ll open it right up. “You assumed, but you didn’t care enough to ask.”
“I didn’t pry,” Liam insisted, putting the plates out of Hammer’s reach, then crossing his arms over his chest.
He scoffed, his temper rising. “You didn’t want to know why my wife and your lover killed her goddamn self without expressing an ounce of unhappiness to either one of us?”
“Of course I did.” Liam stepped closer, his voice dropping. Goddamn it if he didn’t look somewhere between concerned and compassionate. “I offered to drop my project at work and come home. You said not to bother, so I tried to talk to you over the phone. But you were aloof, so I backed off…” He shook his head sadly. “I wasn’t disinterested, Macen. Jesus, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you felt like this. When you kept pushing me away, I thought you needed time to process. When you moved out here, I assumed you needed space, a fresh start…” He hung his head. “I worried that I was a reminder of a time you wanted to forget.”
“I wish to fuck I could,” Hammer said miserably. “I changed coasts, changed careers, and changed lives. Nothing made me want to really live again until Raine.”
“Shit. I didn’t start with her to hurt you. I know I’m a bit late, but…” Liam swallowed. “Why? Why did Juliet end herself, then? Do you know?”
“Yeah, and you don’t want to.”
“I do or I wouldn’t have asked.”
The backs of Hammer’s eyes ached. His throat closed up. “She left me a note. She wanted more attention.”
Liam rubbed at the back of his neck. “Frankly, mate, I’m not sure either of us could ever have given her enough attention. She was a bit starved, no matter what we did. I suppose it didn’t help that work kept me away for the last six weeks or so, but I called her. She knew I was coming back.”
“She was tired of being our ‘fuck doll.’”
“Juliet said that?” he asked incredulously.
“Yeah, and neither of us realized she felt that way.”
“You’re right.” Liam blew out a breath. “The last time I saw her, she kissed me and told me to hurry home. Why didn’t she tell us that? She always struggled with communication, but—”
“She was pregnant.” Hammer dragged a hand through his hair and let loose a jagged breath as he slid down the wall and sat surrounded by broken crockery, miserable and defeated. “Eight weeks.”
Liam gaped. “Did you know?”
“Not until I read it in her note. I should have paid more attention.”
He swallowed, looking visibly pale. “Whose baby was it?”
“She wasn’t sure and she couldn’t handle the shame of not knowing whose name to list on the birth certificate. She knew we’d never let her go if she was pregnant, and she didn’t want to raise a child in our ‘den of depravity.’ Instead of communicating, she chose sleeping pills over life with us.”
“Fuck me dazed.” Liam slid down beside him, staring at the wall on the far side of the kitchen. “Didn’t you think the truth was important enough to share? Or did you imagine that I wouldn’t care?”