Palming her phone, Raine stared at the little device, but like last time she’d pondered making calls, she tucked her mobile away. It wouldn’t be fair to Liam if she called just to hear his voice when she didn’t have any answers to give him. And it would be equally unfair to ring Hammer for his gruff familiarity. She had nothing to offer him, either.
Raine whiled away the day on the balcony, just thinking. How did she learn to open herself up to the people she loved, especially if those people were at one another’s throats? How did she go back to Shadows without tearing everyone apart even more?
Beck dragged in about eight o’clock. She’d been about to open a can of soup, but he took it from her hand and led her out the door. “Mexican and margaritas. Now.”
Who was she to argue with that?
“I know a great place.” She smiled.
“Perfect.” He handed her the keys. “You drive. I’m fucking exhausted.”
Wow, the control freak was going to let her drive his ridiculously expensive convertible? She grinned. “You’re on.”
Fifteen minutes later, they sat with some salt-rimmed beverages and had ordered enchiladas.
Beck sighed. “Ah, chips and booze revived me.”
“You’re such a man.”
“I’m also a Dom. So here’s the portion of the day where I ask you to tell me what’s in your head. What are you going to do next?”
“I gave that a lot of thought while you were gone.”
“Only because you didn’t want to watch Rambo again. I know it.”
Her life was upside down, and Beck still made her giggle. “Okay, that’s kind of true.”
He winked at her. “So, cough it up, princess. I love having you crash with me. I could get addicted to the food really fast. But I’m back on call starting tomorrow, and you won’t like me coming in and out at two a.m., and that couch made my back hurt like a bitch.”
Beck deflected the importance with humor, as he often did. But he was also dead-on.
Raine dragged in a breath, trying to decide how to ask her questions. “If I go back to Shadows, what are my obligations?”
“To Liam?” He shrugged. “Nothing. He uncollared you. That makes you fresh meat, and I’m pretty sure all the lions will circle now. Hammer’s threat probably won’t keep the beasts away for long.”
She doubted anyone would want to take on a mess like her after she’d put Liam through the wringer, but it wasn’t important. “What are my options?”
“You can do whatever you want. Are you looking for another Dom?”
The bowl of chips suddenly looked really interesting. Okay, so she couldn’t meet Beck’s gaze.
Raine bit her lip. “I think I need one.”
“I think you do, too.”
So she’d gotten that part right. The affirmation was nice, but it was the rest that stumped her. “What do I do?”
“Who do you want?” He held up a hand. “Let me rephrase that. Who do you think is most equipped to help you?”
If she could open up, both Liam and Hammer knew exactly how to reach her, but with so much history—and so much of it bad—would they? Obviously, Beck thought so, but…
Sifting through her other options, she forced herself to look at him. “Would you do it?”
“No.” His answer was so swift and emphatic, it stunned her.
“Can I ask why?”
“Sure. I like my balls where they are. Hammer would kill me. Liam would bury me. I like you, princess, but…no.”
“But we wouldn’t be sexual. In fact, it’s better if it’s not.”
“It wouldn’t matter. They couldn’t handle seeing you give your power to me.”
And she’d likely drive a wedge between Hammer and Beck, too. “I’m sorry. It was unfair of me to ask.”
“No, it was logical. You need help; I could help you. It burns me to say no, but at the end of the day you need someone who doesn’t mind losing their balls and who doesn’t want to fuck you more than they want to help you.”
“You’re right.”
But who?
“Look, you need to really give yourself in a way you never have. I get that you’re going to have a hard time with trust. After what I saw yesterday, I totally get it. And by the way, I wanted to shoot the son of a bitch for trying to rape you. I’m sorry.”
“It’s ancient history, and I need to put it in the past, but thanks.”
Beck nodded. “You already know Dominance and submission isn’t about sex, but exchanging power. You, as a sub, give your control over to the Dom, who takes, treasures, and molds it into something that will complete you. When you finally start giving yourself in return, you’ll find the beauty. The reward will be worth the struggle. But no one can fulfill your deepest needs until you let them know you inside and out, deep down, to the tiniest recesses of your heart.”
“I’m not so good at that.” She winced.
“Think of it this way… I wouldn’t go to the tire store and buy half a tire because I wouldn’t get anywhere on it. With submission, if you’re not willing to give your all, then like that tire, you’ll be at a standstill, princess. It’s all up to you.”
Their waitress delivered the enchiladas, and they dug in. Beck bought dinner. Raine chewed on his advice. As they walked to the parking lot, the crisp wind whipped through her hair. But it was good to feel alive and finally have direction. “I know what to do.”
Liam sat at the bar with Seth and Hammer, barely listening to their chatter. Another pointless day of waiting and worrying weighed upon him. If he had to spend another hour twiddling his thumbs, he’d go stir-crazy. Why hadn’t Raine returned? Or at least contacted him? It was driving him batshit mad.
The numerous texts Hammer had exchanged with Beck hadn’t shed a speck of light on her location—or her thoughts. The fucking evasive wanker just kept saying that he wouldn’t break her confidence. What gave him the right to keep Raine away? Liam ached. Five minutes alone with her—that’s all he wanted so he could figure out what rolled around in her head.
He sighed and eyed the bottle of water in front of him. Ten thirty. Night had long ago fallen. The club was closed on Sundays, and the unsettling quiet scraped him raw. Raine probably wasn’t coming back tonight. The agony of being shut out of her heart and life wrenched him, and it looked like he had another day of hell coming.
Liam’s only consolation was that Hammer obviously shared his pain. That didn’t give him the satisfaction he’d imagined. The man wore his worry in the lines of his face and the dark circles under his hazel eyes, which matched the baggage under his own. Liam drained his water. There was no hiding the fact that neither of them was getting much sleep.
He gazed up at the illuminated glass shelves behind the bar, eyed the rows of colored bottles that called to him, promising sweet oblivion. But he couldn’t risk it. He needed to keep his wits in case they got a lead on her whereabouts. There was too much at stake to have his brain muddled with booze.
Still, remaining on the tall barstool and not pacing the floor like a lunatic was a bloody chore. Shadows felt haunting and empty without Raine. Every moment clawed at his composure.
Over and over, he kept reliving their last morning together. He’d seen the love pouring from her eyes. He’d felt it. Hell, he’d nearly been able to taste it in the air. In that moment, he’d believed with every fiber in his being that he had finally, unequivocally reached her.
The unadulterated bliss had vanished when Raine had been unable to tell him how she felt. She’d backpedaled behind her walls and shut him out. Why had her love for him frightened her so badly? She hadn’t trusted in their bond, despite his painstaking effort to build it. Surely she knew he’d never let her fall, that he would be her safety net, no matter what.
Then again, maybe she didn’t know.
His visit to the Kendall house rolled through his brain like a bad horror film. Her vile excuse of a father, coupled with the pictures of her frail body beaten and bruised, had gouged out a chunk of his soul. And he’d only witnessed the heartbreak. She’d lived it, and he could only imagine what that had done to her psyche.
If he’d known then what he knew now, he’d never have removed her collar. He’d change everything, wrap her in his arms and reassure her that she’d never have to feel lost and alone again. He’d promise her that she could reveal all the secrets she hid deep inside, and no matter what, he’d still be by her side, protecting, nurturing, and loving her.
Seth said something and Hammer laughed, drawing Liam’s attention back to their conversation. He smiled as if he’d heard the comment instead of being lost in the dream he’d let slip through his fingers.
A strange creaking from the vicinity of the front door broke the hush of conversation. Hammer snapped to attention. Liam didn’t recognize the sound, but Hammer tensed, braced his hand on the bar. The lines of worry on his face gave way to something like anticipation. Liam didn’t know what the hell was going on, but he turned to the sound, damn near holding his breath.
“Anybody home?” a deep voice echoed from the entrance.
Beck.
Liam’s heart stopped, then started pounding ninety to nothing against his ribcage. He shoved away from the bar, and his stool crashed to the concrete floor with a deafening boom. Hope soared. If Beck had come, maybe he’d brought Raine. Right on the heels of that thought came the worry that the prick had stashed her somewhere and simply meant to rub more salt into their wounds. If so, Liam vowed he’d beat the bloody crap out of the bastard.
Heart chugging, blood surging, Liam charged for the front door. Hammer dashed beside him. They rounded the corner. Beck slid past them and headed toward the sleeping rooms, holding a familiar suitcase as he and Hammer both stopped and stared toward the portal.
With raven hair pulled away from her bare, pale face, wearing a sweatshirt that nearly swallowed her whole, there Raine stood.
Chapter 11
Her blue eyes said she was both wary and contrite. She looked spent.
For a split second, he wondered if he were dreaming, but there she was, meeting his stare with a pensive expression.
Relief gushed through Liam’s bloodstream. The gods had finally granted him mercy. “Raine.”
“Thank fuck.” Hammer barreled toward her. “Where the—”
“Bloody hell have you been, love?” Liam finished Hammer’s question and raced toward her, trying to beat Hammer. “Do you have any idea how—”
“Wait.” Raine held up her hand, forestalling them both. “Please.”
As confusion pelted him, Liam’s steps stuttered. She didn’t want to talk to him? His brows furrowed. Hadn’t she come back to him?
“I…” Raine swallowed tightly, casting her eyes down for a heartbeat before she raised her chin and licked her lips.
“What the hell’s wrong?” Hammer barked. Concern stamped itself all over his face. “Precious?”
“There’s something I need to say…to both of you.” Raine’s voice held an edge of unease. She cast a vaguely questioning glance to Seth, who’d followed them into the foyer and lingered behind. Then she dismissed him and carried on.
Liam could tell she was nervous. The suspense gripped him by the throat. “Speak up. We’re listening.”
His directive seemed to make her even more nervous. Fuck! He watched her gaze travel first to him, then to Hammer, before she sucked in a deep breath.
“I’m sorry. I should never have left you both the way I did. I know you’ve been worried, but I…” She hesitated, then cast her contrite gaze at Hammer. “You’ve done so much for me over the years. I owed you more than just running off without saying thank you.”
“Then why did you?” Hammer pressed.
“Please. Let me finish.” Her voice cracked.
“All right.” Hammer nodded. “But be prepared, Raine. We have some things to say as well.”
“I’m sure you do.” She gave the man a faintly wry smile.
Whatever weighed on her mind was heavy. If her every expression and gesture hadn’t made that clear, her unusual lack of sarcasm and sass did.
“Liam…” She clung to him with her hypnotic eyes, making him want to crawl deep inside her. But she’d walked out on him so easily, and he couldn’t push the strangling hurt aside. “You tried so hard to make me understand that you loved me and wanted me to grow. What I’ve done to you is beyond unfair. I’m more sorry that I can tell you.” She teared up. Regret twisted her face. “I hope someday you’ll be able to forgive me, but I don’t expect you to.”
“I tried everything I could think of to reach you.” He sighed heavily. “But I was out of options.”
“I know. The last few days, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I know I have to change. I can’t ever be happy if I keep pushing everyone away. I have to learn how to say what I’m thinking and feeling. I have to stop twisting the truth to avoid something uncomfortable.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “And I have to learn to believe that not everyone will hurt me. I don’t have any illusions. That won’t be quick or easy. I’m not even sure it’s possible. But I need to try.”