“In a fucking heartbeat,” Hammer tossed back.
“Do I need to remind you again that I’m not yours to punish?”
“I care about your needs more than I care about Liam throwing a hissy. And frankly, I think if he’d seen the way you behaved this morning, he’d agree with me. Now talk or I’m going to enjoy every fucking whack.”
Ugh, talk! She hated that word. But at least being angry with Hammer was better than being the guest of honor at her own pity party. “Communication, all right? I wasn’t totally honest, I guess. And he thinks I don’t trust him. God, do you have to badger me?”
“Obviously I do.” He set the spoon down gently and sat again. “And I suggest you stop provoking me to change the direction of the conversation.”
Yeah, she’d kind of figured he was onto her.
“You’re afraid Liam is going to leave you? Well, if you behave with him the way you just did with me, I guarantee he’ll walk out that door and not look back. A Dom thrives on total surrender. You’re not letting go. You’ll have to, Raine, in order to receive.”
“I know that!” Sadness, anger, and disappointment in herself all formed a lump in her throat that threatened to choke her. “I’m not stupid.”
“You’re not. But you’re too fucking stubborn for your own good. Do you like being this miserable? You must. You’re not doing a thing to change it, and you’re the only one who can.”
Raine bit her lip, despair rolling over her. How did she change herself? “I know.”
Hammer’s expression softened. “I can see how badly you’re falling apart. Don’t think for one second that Liam can’t, too.”
“Rooting for your rival?” She swiped at her leaking eyes. “Things were easier when you thought of me as your sister.”
“I may be a twisted fuck, but I’d never masturbate to thoughts of my sister, precious.”
She felt a flush crawl up her cheeks as heat burst through her body. It might be wrong, but on some level it gratified her to know that Hammer wasn’t any more immune to her than she was to him.
“I know I’m walking a thin line even talking to you like this since you wear Liam’s collar. So instead, consider this some friendly advice. Stop being so damn afraid to share yourself. If you won’t be honest with Liam, then for fuck’s sake, take his collar off and stop wasting his time.”
This tumultuous crap plaguing her, mostly of her own doing, completely exhausted Raine. But she didn’t know how to get off the merry-go-round. She didn’t know how to stop hurting. “I need him.”
Pain flashed in Hammer’s eyes. “Then you have a decision to make.”
“That’s what Liam said.” Morosely, she snagged a muffin from the plate and picked at it. “Are you pushing me so hard toward him because you still think you’re bad for me?”
He hesitated. “I’ve seen a change in you. As much as I hate to admit it, that’s Liam’s doing. He reached you in a way I hadn’t. Obviously not deep enough yet.”
She laughed bitterly. “We both know he’ll give up before then, if he hasn’t already. I’m kidding myself if I think that ripping my soul open for him is going to make much difference.”
“If you go through life scared that the other shoe is going to drop, you’re going to miss out on a hell of a lot of good things.”
“Probably,” she whispered. But trusting that someone would be there tomorrow? Nothing was more difficult—or terrifying—for her.
“Raine…” He swallowed tightly and leaned toward her, cupping her chin with his broad hand. “Am I bad for you? Probably. You’re not wired for what I want, and I couldn’t live with myself if I crushed your spirit. But I’m happy you’re in my life. Will I always want more? Yes. Is that your fault? No.” He bent, his hazel eyes delving deep. “I want you to be happy. Promise me you’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.”
He was willing to sacrifice his heart for hers. It was kind and noble—two things that didn’t come easily for Hammer.
Raine had never felt more unworthy in her life. “I don’t know how.”
“Then learn. It will be uncomfortable, maybe even painful, but you can. Now do it.”
Chapter 4
The tantalizing aromas of Thanksgiving dinner made Hammer’s mouth water as he entered the dungeon, now transformed into a makeshift dining area, complete with buffet tables, draped in turkey-themed cloths. He cast a nod to the club members seated at the long table as several submissives carried in platters of food, adding them to the already bountiful spread.
Raine set a heaping bowl of mashed potatoes down and headed back to the kitchen. Hammer’s focus naturally slid to her ass as she scurried away. Had she taken his advice yesterday morning and opened up to Liam?
The Irish prick sidled up to him. “Stop staring at Raine or I might change my bloody mind about you living another day.”
Hammer turned to scowl at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Raine started her period this morning.”
Liam’s declaration slapped Hammer. He froze, rolled the words around in his head. Finally, the meaning of those words dawned on him. They seized his guts, sucked his veins dry, stabbed his heart. His faint but stupid hope of sharing a life with her died.
Goddamn it, he’d wanted Raine to be pregnant.
Without a word, he stormed away from Liam toward the privacy of the liquor storage room. Slamming the door behind him, Hammer took refuge in the small, shadowy space. He leaned against the steel-framed racks of booze, dragged in a jagged breath, and closed his eyes.
What if Raine had been pregnant? Would he have hauled her to a Justice of the Peace for an unfulfilling five-minute ceremony? Then what? Watch her pine for Liam? Worry that she’d come to regard their marriage as a mistake? Hammer roughed a hand down his face. Would he have shoved his inner beast deep into the recesses of his soul and ignored the clawing hunger to make her his slave until it drove him insane?
“Fuck.”
Maybe. But that didn’t stop his slew of regrets. Visions of a precious little girl with raven hair and big blue eyes, just like her mommy’s, raced through his brain. She’d be inquisitive, headstrong, and need his protection. He could almost hear her sweet giggles as he slung her on his back for pony rides or see her yawn as he tucked her into her frilly pink bed and kissed her little button nose good-night.
Or would they have had a boy? Hammer blinked against the sting burning his eyes as he pictured a little imp with Raine’s eyes and a mischievous smile. He and his son would have played ball in a lush green yard and rolled around in autumn leaves. The boy would have sneaked frogs and worms into the house to scare his beautiful mother with a grin.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! Hammer heard the little voices calling in his head.
None of that would happen now.
Grief sat on his chest like an elephant.
Hammer pounded his fist against the wall. Until this moment, he hadn’t let himself acknowledge how much he yearned to be a father, a role model, a defender. And how much he wanted all that with Raine.
With a few words, Liam had managed to dash all those hopes.
Hammer believed things happened for a reason. And he knew what that was: Raine deserved better than him. He’d had years to claim her, but he hadn’t tackled his fears and seized the opportunity. Now he could only man up and stop dreaming about what would never be.
With a curse, he jerked three bottles of wine off their rack, turned on his heel, and braced himself to see relief in Raine’s eyes.
As he entered the dungeon again, she carried the turkey, all sliced and steaming, to the table. Her black dress showed a hint of cleavage and bared thighs he remembered locking around him as they rocked together in pursuit of pleasure. God, would he ever look at her and not crave the chance to make her his own?
Hammer looked Raine’s way. Her red-rimmed eyes stood out in her pale face. She’d been crying. Not in the last ten minutes or her nose would be red, too. But recently. Their stares locked for a moment. Her chin trembled. Those blue eyes looked so tormented with...what?
Before he could decide, she jerked away with a frown and set the turkey on the table. Then she pasted on an overly bright smile. “Come on, everyone. Time to eat.”
As everyone took their seats, Hammer pulled out Raine’s usual chair, directly to his right, for her. With her sitting close, they might be able to talk discreetly. Instead, Liam led her to the opposite end of the table and helped her into a chair, widening the divide between them more.
Hammer’s stomach took a nosedive. A volatile mix of anger and pain skewered him.
He should be thankful for a thriving business, food aplenty, as well as the good friends he had and the good times they shared. Right now, he could only focus on what he didn’t have: Raine, the chance to have a family with her, or even any of her goddamn warmth in his life.
To his left, his friend and Shadows’ resident sadist, Beck, nudged him. “Everyone is staring at you, man. Stop looking at Raine like she’s dessert, make a quick speech, and let everyone dig in.”
Quickly, Hammer raised his glass, thanking his extended family for coming to share this day with him because he treasured each and every one of them, blah, blah, blah. He was running on autopilot, probably reciting the same speech, more or less, that he had for the past eight years. In the back of his head, he kept wondering why he hadn’t changed his ways and snapped Raine up when he’d had the chance. If he would have put the past behind him, he could have had a new life with her. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.
As the guests all raised their glasses to him, he watched Liam cup Raine’s cheek. She sent his old pal a shaky smile, then downed most of her wine in two swallows. Hammer didn’t like how pale she looked. And he would kill to know what she was thinking.
“Dude, you really have to stop staring at Raine,” Beck warned in a low voice. “Liam is going to take your head off if he catches you. What the hell is your problem?”
“Raine’s not pregnant,” Hammer hissed.
“You should be happy, then.”
“Do I look happy?” He flashed a seething look Beck’s way, then stared down the length of the table at her again.
Had she been crying in relief that she’d started her period? Or disappointment that his child wouldn’t grow there? Hammer wasn’t sure when—or if—he’d ever find out.
Without looking away, Hammer filled his fork with food and slid the contents in his mouth. He had no doubt everything was delicious as always, but he couldn’t taste a thing.
One of the newer Dommes, Mistress Hillary, complimented Raine’s cooking. The girl smiled stiffly and murmured her thanks. When the exchange was over, Raine’s brows drew together. She rubbed at a spot between her eyes. Hammer studied her pained expression. Damn it, of course she was hurting. He knew the symptoms. He’d seen them dozens of times. And from the blithe look on Liam’s face, he didn’t have a clue. Raine obviously wasn’t letting her Dom in on her problem.
Clenching his jaw, he tossed his napkin on the table and stormed over to her, leaning down to whisper in her ear. “Let me get your medicine. You need to take it and lie down.”
Raine shook her head in refusal. “Later.”
Stubborn little brat.
Gritting his teeth, Hammer marched down the hall. Her stare raked his back. Once in his quarters, he rummaged through his bathroom cabinet and picked through his toiletries until he found Raine’s medication.
Frustrated with her and wishing like hell that she was his to punish, he stalked back to the feast and slammed the bottle of pain killers on the table in front of her.
Liam raised his head, scowling as he picked up the bottle and read the label. “What the hell are these pills for?”
Hammer ignored Liam and stared down at Raine with a raised brow. “Do you want to tell him or shall I, precious?”
Anger flashed in Liam’s eyes as he studied Raine. “Tell me what?”
She lowered her guilty gaze. “Hammer, I planned to take one and explain everything to Liam after dinner,” she said in a low whisper. “Please sit down. I’ll handle it. Everyone is staring.”
They were, and Hammer didn’t give a shit. He resisted the urge to shake her. Did Liam have any idea how badly she deserved to be taken over a knee and thoroughly spanked? He stomped back to his chair, then eased down and glared at her. She raised her chin and still didn’t take a fucking pill. In fact, she whispered furiously to Liam and ignored the bottle, pushing food around on her plate. More color seeped from her face as the pain obviously grew worse.
Why was the stubborn minx refusing to help herself?
Jaw tight, Liam set the bottle aside and pinned Raine with an expression that promised confrontation after dinner. Hammer approved. If she wasn’t going to take care of herself, and he couldn’t, someone had to.
