“You’re supposed to do that as a Dom.”
“Yeah, but she almost never pushed back. Once, I brought in a Domme. Juliet did safe word out of that. So I took her to a dungeon to see what tripped her trigger. The only thing that seemed to catch her eye was Liam sceneing. When I approached him about Juliet, he was all over it. Hell, he was twenty-one, but he had a firm understanding of the power exchange.”
“So he joined you?”
“For a night, at first. But I loved it. I thought she did, too. Knowing I could make a proper wife fuck another man did it for me. I thought she liked connecting with her inner bad girl, and they seemed to click, so I asked him to stay for good. By the time I found out it made her feel like a whore, it was too late. I mistook her silence for submission.”
“You didn’t ask a ton of questions before you changed the relationship?”
Hammer hung his head. “Not enough. I was drunk on power and not a shining example of a Master.”
“Wow. That’s not the man I know. I seriously can’t see you not forcing Juliet to communicate. You nearly talk subs to death.”
“Oh, I tried to talk to Juliet, believe me. Every time I sat her down and told her I needed to know how she felt, she’d give me a placid smile, tell me she loved me, shower me with kisses, then usually give me a blow job. I bought into her acquiescence, thinking she was the perfect submissive. I should have dug harder, but she never gave me any reason to. But she taught me a valuable lesson. That’s why I harp on subs now about communication.”
“Hammer, she didn’t give you anything to work with. You did the best you could with what you knew. After all, there were two people in that marriage. She made her choices.”
He shrugged, but he couldn’t unload the boulder of guilt from his back. Instead, he took his glass from Beck and poured another shot. “But it was my job to take care of her, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I failed her in every way.”
“What happened next?”
“After her death, I shut down. I was alone and miserable. I couldn’t stay in New York. Too many memories. Too much hurt. I didn’t know where to direct my rage, except toward Liam. I couldn’t pin it on Juliet. She was a victim of my desires and my ego.”
“Wait a minute. She wasn’t a victim. She didn’t tell you how she felt and she didn’t give you a choice. She took the power. Weren’t you pissed at her for taking her own life?”
“Livid. I know that’s part of the death process, but I wondered if I’d ever really known her. I thought I loved her, but how could I love a stranger?”
“I’m not speaking ill of her, but it sounds like she was repressed, depressed, and just fucked up.”
Hammer flubbed through a laugh. “Maybe. A little.”
“Haven’t you beat yourself up enough yet? Are you sure you don’t have a little bit of a masochist in you?”
“You wish.” With a shrug, Hammer stared down into the alcohol. “Good strategy. Wait until I’m drunk so I’ll talk.”
“Hey, it worked.”
“Prick.”
“That’s Sir Prick.” He snickered. “So neither you nor Liam had any hint that Juliet was unhappy or contemplating suicide? Or that she was pregnant?”
“Nope. That mistake cost me dearly.”
“That explains why you dole out Raine’s medication. And why you’ve always kept track of her cycles. I had no idea it was that bad, man. I’m sorry.”
Beck’s words were slathered in sympathy. Hammer didn’t need it. He just wanted the regret and shame eating him up inside to go away.
“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this crap around all these years.” Beck looked as blown out of the water as Liam had earlier.
“Yep, until tonight when I puked up every ugly bit of it, right onto Liam.” The memory of utter shock on his old friend’s face slid through Hammer’s veins like black, oily sludge.
Beck’s eyes grew wide as if suddenly struck with understanding. “Well, now I know why you won’t tell Raine you’re in love with her. All these years you’ve wanted to claim her, but…”
“I’m no good for her,” Hammer interrupted. “She deserves a better man and Master.”
“Yeah? And everyone can see you’re doing so great without her,” Beck mocked.
“I never said that.”
“So all the submissives you take to bed are what? Substitutes for Raine?”
Hammer leveled a look of warning toward Beck. “You’re stepping over a line. Watch yourself.”
“No. I’m not going to candy-coat it for you, and deep down you don’t want me to.”
True. “They’re not substitutes. They’re able to handle what I need. When I’m rough and strict, it silences the guilt screaming in my head.
“What about the night you spent with Raine. Guilt then?”
Hammer’s hand tightened around his glass. “She silenced it all. There was nothing but peace.”
“So why don’t—”
“I don’t deserve to have it silenced. Don’t you understand? I failed Juliet. I’ll be damned if I fail Raine.”
“You think Raine might check out like Juliet someday?” he asked Hammer.
“No. Never.”
“At least you’ve gotten that much through your thick skull. Raine may not be the greatest communicator, but she’s a fighter, Macen. You know that.”
Yeah, he did. All the years he’d spent with Juliet he’d never truly seen his wife’s soul. No matter how he’d tried, it had been like looking through smoke. He could see Raine’s bright beacon as clear as day. She wasn’t a quitter. The girl could be so damn self-sufficient. She’d left that prick of a father as a kid, and without fear of how she’d survive, drew from her inner strength to forge a better life for herself. Hammer knew what Raine would do if she were unhappy, and it sure as hell wasn’t swallow a bottle of pills.
“I might have to hunt her down,” Hammer said. “But I’ll never have to bury her. If I’d thought for two seconds that I might, the possibility of her being pregnant would have sent me into a panic.”
“Then stop projecting your guilt over her and Liam, and start being honest with them both. Hasn’t Juliet taken enough from you? Maybe your child, nearly a decade, your happiness? Do something, idiot! Otherwise, you’ll just keep wasting away your life.”