I sometimes wonder how many other men are exactly like me.
While Jane was in New York, Joseph answered the phone when I called.
“Hey, Pop,” he said simply.
“Hey,” I said. “How are you?”
“Fine,” he said. After what seemed like a painfully long moment, he asked, “And you?”
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “It’s quiet around here, but I’m doing okay.” I paused. “How’s your mom’s visit going?”
“It’s fine. I’ve been keeping her busy.”
“Shopping and sightseeing?”
“A little. Mainly we’ve been doing a lot of talking. It’s been interesting.”
I hesitated. Though I wondered what he meant, Joseph seemed to feel no need to elaborate. “Oh,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice light. “Is she around?”
“Actually, she isn’t. She ran out to the grocery store. She’ll be back in a few minutes, though, if you want to call back.”
“No, that’s okay,” I said. “Just let her know that I called. I should be around all night if she wants to give me a ring.”
“Will do,” he agreed. Then, after a moment: “Hey, Pop? I wanted to ask you something.”
“Yes?”
“Did you really forget your anniversary?”
I took a long breath. “Yes,” I said, “I did.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I remembered that it was coming, but when the day arrived, it just slipped my mind. I don’t have an excuse.”
“It hurt her feelings,” he said.
“I know.”
There was a moment of silence on the other end. “Do you understand why?” he finally asked.
Though I didn’t answer Joseph’s question, I thought I did.
Quite simply, Jane didn’t want us to end up like the elderly couples we sometimes saw when dining out, couples that have always aroused our pity.
These couples are, I should make clear, usually polite to each other. The husband might pull out a chair or collect the jackets, the wife might suggest one of the specials. And when the waiter comes, they may punctuate each other’s orders with the knowledge that has been gained over a lifetime—no salt on the eggs or extra butter on the toast, for instance.
But then, once the order is placed, not a word passes between them.
Instead, they sip their drinks and glance out the window, waiting silently for their food to arrive. Once it does, they might speak to the waiter for a moment—to request a refill of coffee, for instance—but they quickly retreat to their own worlds as soon as he departs. And throughout the meal, they will sit like strangers who happen to be sharing the same table, as if they believed that the enjoyment of each other’s company was more effort than it was worth.
Perhaps this is an exaggeration on my part of what their lives are really like, but I’ve occasionally wondered what brought these couples to this point.
While Jane was in New York, however, I was suddenly struck by the notion that we might be heading there as well.
When I picked Jane up from the airport, I remember feeling strangely nervous. It was an odd feeling, and I was relieved to see a flicker of a smile as she walked through the gate and made her way toward me. When she was close, I reached for her carry-on.
“How was your trip?” I asked.
“It was good,” she said. “I have no idea why Joseph likes living there so much. It’s so busy and noisy all the time. I couldn’t do it.”
“Glad you’re home, then?”
“Yes,” she said. “I am. But I’m tired.”
“I’ll bet. Trips are always tiring.”
For a moment, neither of us said anything. I moved her carry-on to my other hand. “How’s Joseph doing?” I asked.
“He’s good. I think he’s put on a little weight since the last time he was here.”
“Anything exciting going on with him that you didn’t mention on the phone?”
“Not really,” she said. “He works too much, but that’s about it.”
In her tone I heard a hint of sadness, one that I didn’t quite understand. As I considered it, I saw a young couple with their arms around each other, hugging as if they hadn’t seen each other in years.
“I’m glad you’re home,” I said.
She glanced at me, held my eyes, then slowly turned toward the luggage carousel. “I know you are.”
This was our state of affairs one year ago.
I wish I could tell you that things improved in the weeks immediately following Jane’s trip, but they did not. Instead, our life went on as it had before; we led our separate lives, and one unmemorable day passed into the next. Jane wasn’t exactly angry with me, but she didn’t seem happy, either, and try as I might, I was at a loss as to what to do about it. It seemed as though a wall of indifference had somehow been constructed between us without my being aware of it. By late autumn, three months after the forgotten anniversary, I’d become so worried about our relationship that I knew I had to talk to her father.
His name is Noah Calhoun, and if you knew him, you would understand why I went to see him that day. He and his wife, Allie, had moved to Creekside Extended Care Facility nearly eleven years earlier, in their forty-sixth year of marriage. Though they once shared a bed, Noah now sleeps alone, and I wasn’t surprised when I found his room empty. Most days, when I went to visit him, he was seated on a bench near the pond, and I remember moving to the window to make sure he was there.
Even from a distance, I recognized him easily: the white tufts of hair lifting slightly in the wind, his stooped posture, the light blue cardigan sweater that Kate had recently knitted for him. He was eighty-seven years old, a widower with hands that had curled with arthritis, and his health was precarious. He carried a vial of nitroglycerin pills in his pocket and suffered from prostate cancer, but the doctors were more concerned with his mental state. They’d sat Jane and me down in the office a few years earlier and eyed us gravely. He’s been suffering from delusions, they informed us, and the delusions seem to be getting worse. For my part, I wasn’t so sure. I thought I knew him better than most people, and certainly better than the doctors. With the exception of Jane, he was my dearest friend, and when I saw his solitary figure, I couldn’t help but ache for all that he had lost.