As I swiftly proceed through the forest I noticed that the sky was still cloudy enough that I wouldn't catch the attention of any unsuspecting humans until mid-afternoon. I was slightly apprehensive about today's events. My family had become more encouraging of my decisions surrounding Bella, but the outcome of her fate was still questionable. Alice had assured me one more time before I left home that Bella would be fine, and that she would still be close, "just in case." I knew what I willed her fate to be, but the many outcomes all appeared to be impractical to me. Take her life? Not hardly! Turn her into a vampire so I could keep her? Take her soul? So selfish - or I could leave her human and watch as she out grows me - I sighed.
The trees around me were becoming less dense and I was suddenly outside Bella's house. I advanced to her door, something I had never done before. I had constantly been scaling the walls and climbing in and out through the window when entering this house. It was relatively quiet. It was divulged of any thoughts. I heard buoyant footsteps coming down the stairs. I nimbly knocked on her front door, immediately tense. I listened to her fumble around with the dead bolt, but a second later she flung the door wide open, sending a wave of her heady scent towards me. I wasn't expecting it so suddenly. I had to move the dry ache of my thirst to the back of my mind, today is about Bella, I reminded myself. I finally gazed at her and noticed that she was wearing a white shirt with a tan sweater and blue jeans. I started laughing because I was wearing something similar.
"Good morning," I chuckled.
"What's wrong?" she glanced down at her clothes with panic in her voice.
"We match." I laughed again.
I saw her eyes travel from my collar down to my jeans and she joined in with my laughter. She marched out of the house then, and shut the door behind her, locking it. I turned to walk to her truck, remembering I conceded in our dispute of who would drive today. A cool breeze blew her aroma in my direction and I was instantly grateful that the majority of the day would be spent in the great outdoors, where her scent was not nearly as potent. I turned and looked at her as she walked towards the truck. She had a smug look on her face.
"We made a deal," she reminded me haughtily as she wrenched herself up into the driver's side seat.
I grimaced.
"Where to?" she asked.
"Put your seat belt on �C I'm nervous already." I commanded, even though I was mostly teasing. There is no accident I couldn't protect her from.
She gave me a menacing look and reached over her shoulder and pulled the seat belt across her lap and buckled herself in.
She sighed, "Where to?" she repeated.
"Take the one-oh-one north." I instructed.
The heat coming from the vents in the truck sent her rich scent flooding into my lungs. The constant dull pain that her scent caused me was suddenly fierce. I stared at her face while she drove, a reminder that the most exquisite soul was next to me and that I needed to immediately cage the monster. I began planning the day in my head. If I knew what was to be expected, I would be less likely to make a mistake. That's right, no mistakes today! The problem with my planning was that I wasn't sure if we were going to make it to the meadow before the day ended because of how slow her truck was.
"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before night fall?" I teased, hoping it would encourage a faster pace.
"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather �C have some respect." She retorted.
I continued to look fixedly at her. The anticipation of being all alone with Bella in the most peaceful meadow was causing a different type of monster to rear its head up now; infatuation maybe? It was electricity that was flowing through me now, preparing to be freed at a moment's touch. We were about to approach our next turn, "Turn right on the one-ten," I instructed.
She complied silently.
"Now we drive until the pavement ends." I smiled, thinking about how close we were to being by ourselves.
Some would consider our time now to mean 'alone', but my mind was abundantly full of the never ending humming and buzzing of thoughts. The meadow, my little slice of heaven, was one of the few places where I was able to give my mind some peace.
Bella's face turned curious, "and what's there, at the pavements end?" she asked.
"A trail."
"We're hiking?" she asked with panic in her tone.
"Is that a problem?"
"No," she lied.
"Don't worry, it is only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry." Hoping my words would calm her.
I could understand her panic though; she couldn't walk across a room without tripping, falling, or running into something. The woods must seem like a mine field to her. She had nothing to worry about though, if she were to trip, I would gladly save her from hitting the ground. It would be so easy to place my hand lightly, gently, under her elbow as I helped her through the slippery forest floor. My new desire was pulsing through my skin, sending more electricity through my finger tips. This new - desire - was now adding to the constant pressure in my chest.
I fixed my eyes on her face, trying to comprehend the apparent terror in her eyes. Her expression altered numerous times, and instead of internally imploring my mind to finally perceive her thoughts, I decided I would simply make a request.
"What are you thinking?" I beseeched.
"Just wondering where we're going." She replied smoothly; she was hiding her fright.
I wanted to ease her mind a bit, so I provided a hint, "It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice."
I glanced out the window and she followed my gaze. The sky was still cloudy enough that my skin wasn't emitting rainbows.
"Charlie said it would be warm today," she mused.
Ah, Charlie. I remembered that she refused to tell him about our outing. Had she changed her mind about that?
"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked.
"Nope," she said complacently.
Of course not. But, she did tell Jessica about us, and the trip �C hadn't she?
"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I asked. If she told Jessica, then I would have to bring her back, for her family and mine.
"No, I told her you canceled on me �C which is true," she reminded me.
I was suddenly angry. Didn't she want me to bring her back? She would be willing to follow a killer into the woods, alone, and not tell a single soul. I growled internally. Who would know it was me who didn't bring her back home? I didn't want to bring her back and she was eager to tempt me to do just that. The monster began clawing at my chest bones again and I was dangerously irate that she put me in this situation. Hadn't I suffered enough? I pulled myself together, for the most part, before I responded.
"No one knows you're with me?" I growled.
She looked smug, "That depends... I assume you told Alice?" she pondered.
She thought that Alice knowing would make me want to bring her back?
"That's very helpful, Bella," I snapped, but at the sound of her name exiting my lips the electricity flared up and that new creature sent a lump to my throat. This... desire; a longing; ripped through my body. I glared at her then and she was looking out the windshield like the conversation never took place, so nonchalant. Anger suddenly flared again.
"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" I hissed.
"You said it might cause trouble for you... us being together publicly," she reminded me.
Unbelievable! She was worried about my safety, "So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me �C if you don't come home?" my voice rose on the last word.
She never looked away from the road, but nodded her head. She didn't look at all troubled about this!
Unbelievable, I muttered so low she couldn't understand me.
What could she possibly be thinking? Maybe she was sent here from my own personal hell to destroy me! Great - first her scent, then her ever growing presence in my life, and her unspoken thoughts; now she was essentially handing herself over to me on a silver platter. If I hadn't been continuously worried about my family she would have been dead when I first inhaled her heady scent. Now it was this precious soul in the car that I didn't want to destroy, and she was making it inconceivably hard not to. She was driving me to her demise.
Insane. It was the only word to describe her actions. Maybe masochistic?
Bella never took her eyes off the road. She must know that I was infuriated. The road did, though, inevitably end. There was a trail marked by a wooden sign; we would be going the opposite direction. She pulled the truck over, put it in park, and hoped out without one glance in my direction. I was immediately anxious that she didn't want to spend the rest of the day with me. Did I hurt her feelings? If she left me now �C would I let her? Would she forgive me?
I pulled my sweater off and placed it in the truck. It was unnecessary for me to wear something that was supposed to bring warmth when I was a cold creature. I was secretly hoping that the sun would warm my skin when it eventually appears through the clouds. I shut the door harder then I intended. I turned towards the forest and quietly reminded myself, no mistakes.
"This way," I called to her.
I glanced over my shoulder to see her confused expression, "The trail?" she asked, terror in her voice. She had removed her sweater too, and it was tied securely around her waist.
"I won't let you get lost," I said with a mocking tone.
She continued to stare at me without moving. Was she frightened now? I couldn't tell for sure �C was she about to run away? Run Bella, run, I thought, then added, stay Bella, stay. She still didn't move, and I was again asking myself the ever prominent question, what is she thinking? I remembered that the best way to break her from her dejection was to guess what she was thinking. She would correct me if I were wrong, so I asked, "Do you want to go home?" Pain broke through my voice without my permission.
"No," she answered while walking towards me until she was close enough that I could feel the warmth of her body wash over me like a tidal wave.
Her delectable scent made the monster inside me initiate it's slow clawing up my throat. I looked in her eyes, and there was still something distressing her. Fear maybe?
"What's wrong?" I asked, apprehensive.
"I'm not a good hiker," she looked glum; "You'll have to be very patient."
This wasn't a challenge. "I can be patient �C if I make a great effort." I stared into her eyes and smiled, hoping she would realize that I wasn't lying. She didn't look convinced. Maybe she was finally coming to her senses. Was she afraid? Was it really fear I was sensing? Fear, I scoffed internally.
"I'll take you home," I assured her.
Abruptly she responded, "If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start leading the way," she hissed.
So it wasn't fear that I saw, it was anger? Of course, I thought. I stood there frozen for a moment and frowned. I concealed a sigh and started towards the forest.
I knew the forest well, and I chose a path that would be easiest for Bella. There were a few places where I had to move branches and hold down ferns to help her pass. When boulders and downed trees were in our path I hesitated only briefly. I didn't want to offer my hand, still worried that my ice cold skin would repulse her. I concentrated a great deal when I finally reached out to steady her by lifting her by her elbow. I knew if I were to hold any part of her body besides there, my desires would take over and I would bring my cold lips to her soft, warm ones. Each time I helped her, her heart would skip a beat, stutter, falter, and then rapidly pick up in double time. A few times I was worried that her heart had completely stopped.
At one moment, I was helping her over a tree when the thought of kissing her sent a rush of desire through my body and I almost dropped her. She didn't notice. She was concentrating intently on not falling or tripping. After walking in silence for some distance, I decided to distract myself by asking her some more questions. She told me about some of her birthdays with her mother and stories about her grade school teachers. Each time she looked at me her breath sent a rush of longing and electricity through me. I thought of a few more questions, but the funniest answer I heard all day was when I asked her about family pets.
"I have to admit, after killing three fish in a row, I'd given up on the whole institution," she told me.
I laughed so loudly that it echoed through the forest.
I didn't mind being patient with Bella. Every moment spent with her was a blessing. The hours passed and I was holding back the monster inside me and my new found creature, desire. It was easier than I anticipated. How long I could keep them both caged was still a mystery. The sun was beginning to protrude through the tops of the trees. I was feeling a little uneasy about her seeing me in the sunlight. Would that be the moment she decides to leave my world?
"Are we there yet?" Bella asked in mock-rage after several hours of hiking.
"Nearly" I reassured her with a smile, "Do you see the brightness ahead?"
I looked through the dense forest at the bright sunlight beaming through to the opening of a beautiful meadow. I watched her squint her eyes and look impatient.
"Um, should I?" she asked incredulous.
I smirked, "Maybe it's a bit soon for your eyes."
She looked at me then, "Time to visit the optometrist," she grumbled.
Like seeing the optometrist would improve her vision. My grin grew wider across my face.
I noticed when she saw the light from the meadow. The sun was lighting the grassy floor and beautiful colors were reflecting from the different vegetation. I let her lead the way then, following behind her. I wanted her to enter the meadow first. Abruptly, a lump entered my throat at the thought of letting her see my crystal like skin reflecting in the sunlight.
We reached the meadow then. I stopped in the shadows as I watched Bella walk easily into the sunlight. She gazed around with a look of wonder in her eyes. I could see her taking it all in, the flowers, the green grass, and the musical water in the background. She turned then, wondering where I had gone.
I stood, once again, at the edge of the sunlight, like I had that time in Port Angeles. Then, I was fenced in by the dark shadows... so limited, but this time I just needed to make that one simple step. Bella stepped towards me then, curiosity flaring in her eyes. I was reluctant to pass this invisible line. I belonged in the shadows, she belonged in the light. She smiled at me then and moved a step closer. She raised her hand in welcome. I wasn't ready, I put my hand up to stop her before she got to close, and she stopped hesitantly. It was too late, her warmth hit me suddenly and I took in a deep breath. Unthinking, I stepped closer to her, breaking the invisible fence between light and dark.
Author's note: Thank you for the support on this story so far. I feel like with each chapter I become a better writer and if it wasn't for those of you who have been reading it and reviewing I probably would have never gotten this far!
As I stepped into the sunlight my skin instantly absorbed the rays and emitted them back out in a band of colors. I could see my reflection in her deep chocolate eyes and in that moment I became a statue of uneasiness. What would this revelation do to her resolve? Her mouth slightly parted and I could smell her sweet breath on the light breeze. She only hesitated for a second, and then, with deliberate slowness, stepped closer to me, and I could instantly tell it wasn't because she had an aversion to me, but because she was anxious of what my reaction would be. I moved in that moment, a smile slowly spread across my face. She returned my smile immediately.
Neither of us spoke for an immeasurable moment. I couldn't read her thoughts, but I could clearly read her eyes and her facial expressions. She was dazzled, and so was I. She slid down to the forest floor then, and sat with her arms around her knees. I mirrored her actions and lowered myself to the ground next to her.
There were no foreign thoughts in my head at this moment and it was amazingly pleasant. I lay on the ground with my eyes closed. I felt the warm sun on my ice cold skin and hoped that it would warm up my skin so it wouldn't be abhorrent to the touch. As I laid there in silence, I was breathing in her fragrance. Mixed with the outside air and breeze, her scent was more appealing than it should be. As the silence around us grew, I began composing in my head and singing so quietly that I wasn't sure if Bella would be able to hear. She couldn't hear, because she asked after a minute what I was doing.
As I lay there, enjoying the quietness of my mind and the divine essence of Bella, I felt something very lightly caress my hand. She was warm and I felt so many emotions at once, desire �C fear �C anxiety. My desire won my attention though, but the other emotions were still there in the back of my mind. I opened my eyes then, and my eyes met her face. She was the most exquisite creature I had ever seen. Her brown hair had glittering red tints in it when the sunlight hit it just right and her wide eyes were sparkling. She was staring fixedly at my hand, but moved her gaze to meet mine. She looked hesitant, like she was preparing for a scolding. I smiled then.
"I don't scare you?" I tried to sound playful, though I was curious.
"No more than usual," she replied playfully.
My smile grew, and I was nearly grinning from ear to ear. She returned my smile and then moved her stroking fingers up my forearm. I could see her hand quiver slightly as she moved her hand back and forth. I closed my eyes then. I didn't want to look away from her, but my thirst for her touch was growing. Desire was pulsing through my veins. In that moment I pictured grabbing her and holding her to my chest, caressing her back with my hands and pulling her ever closer. I imagined pulling her face into my hands and stroking her cheeks and hair. Desire pulsed through me in waves and I knew she could feel the electricity too. She was still tentative.
"Do you mind?" she inquired.
Didn't she know that she was sending large electric shocks of pleasure through my body?
"No," I replied, still keeping my eyes shut, afraid that if I were to look upon her, I would make my fantasies a reality, and I couldn't let that happen. "You can't imagine how that feels."
I sighed.
She continued to trail her warm fingers across my arm, expanding her search up my arm. I felt the new creature, desire, break through my carefully cultivated fa?ade and divulged into more fantasies. I pictured bringing my lips to her neck, not to take her life, but to kiss lightly. I imagined moving my lips from her neck to her ear where I would whisper how much I loved her.
She grabbed my hand lightly with her free hand and was trying to turn it over. My own nature took over and I flipped my hand, palm up, so fast that her fingers froze on my arm and I realized that I made a mistake. No mistakes, I reminded myself.
"Sorry," I whispered.
I briefly caught a glimpse of her face, making sure I was forgiven. I saw that I was, and closed my eyes again then added, "It's too easy to be myself with you."
She carefully moved my hand back and forth in hers. She was incredibly warm and electricity was throbbing through me. I imagined bringing my lips down her jaw line and then to her unbelievably warm and delicious lips. I sighed internally at the new creature who had broken through all the barriers I had placed to protect this amazing soul next to me. Was she feeling the same desires? I opened my eyes to try and read her expression. Reflections of rainbows were scattered across her face. She looked peaceful. Not being able to hear her thoughts was still taxing. Instantly, I had to know...
"Tell me what you're thinking," I pleaded.
Her eyes swiftly met mine.
"It's still so strange for me, not knowing," I explained.
"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time," she said, her voice acerbic.
"It's a hard life," I acknowledged.
I willed my mind to hear her thoughts in that moment... even a single sound would quench my ever dying thirst for her knowing mind. I realized then that she hadn't told me what was on her mind, "But you didn't tell me."
She paused for a moment, biting her delicate bottom lip, "I was wishing I could know what you were thinking..." her voice faltered.
I tried to encourage her to continue, "And?"
Her voice accelerated then, "I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."
I was grief-stricken instantaneously.
"I don't want you to be afraid," I spoke the words that were undeniable. I kept my voice soft, pleading. She should be afraid though, she should fear this menacing creature in front of her. She spoke then, bringing me out of my dejection, "Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that is certainly something to think about."
Without thinking, I propped myself up on my right arm, in a momentum that would have been unsettling to a human, but my Bella didn't move a centimeter. During my movement, my left hand stayed securely in hers. My action had only placed me but a few inches from her glorious face. Electricity exploded in me and it took every fiber of my being not to move those few extra inches and place my lips to her delicate ones. I stared fixedly at her and she was dazzled.
"What are you afraid of, then?" I wondered.
She took a deep breath, and then leaned in, inhaling my scent. I took in the sweet air between us into my lungs, too. I was instantly eager. Ecstasy quickly washed over me and I began to lean closer to place my lips against hers. Before she noticed that I had leaned in too, I did the only thing I could to stop my passion from becoming her death and I fled. I was instantly standing in the shade across the meadow. I tried to leave off any expression that would be readable on my face. I didn't want her to see the monster that almost broke free. Which one? I asked myself.
She looked around until she spotted me and then met my gaze. Her face displayed many emotions until she finally settled on shocked. I immediately felt like reaching into my chest to calm my still heart. I could tell that I had done something to upset her.
"I'm... sorry... Edward," she whispered.
No mistakes, I ordered to myself. I just needed to tame the beast within. The craving for her body was overwhelming.
"Give me a moment," I implored.
I took one �C two - three deep breaths, hoping to dispel any lingering lust for her blood. I am dangerous, I know she saw that, but I didn't want her to know this side of me. I looked at her then, keeping her eyes fixed in mine and walked slowly back into the light, a place I knew I didn't belong. I stopped several feet from her now, trying to bridle my flaming desires. I sank to the ground then, never taking my eyes off Bella. I didn't want to miss a single expression.
I inhaled the air around me, slowly welcoming back her fragrance. I took another breath, just to reassure myself that I could handle this. No mistakes, I reminded myself, though I already knew I had made too many. With our eyes still fixed, I tried to calm her with a smile, "I am so very sorry."
How do I make her understand how sorry I am?
"Would you understand what I meant if I said I was only human?" I asked, hoping that she would comprehend what I was trying to explain to her.
She nodded once, with just a light twitch of her lips. Was she afraid now? Had I made a mistake so devastating that she would never grace me with her presence again? I could hear how hard her heart was working, trying to get the blood to her body as quickly as possible. I realized then, that I had promised myself that I would show her what I truly am, so she could understand why we shouldn't be together. My smile turned devilish in the thought of what I was going to show her now.
"I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in �C my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" I bellowed.
I ran around the meadow two times at my normal pace to add to my statement, "As if you could outrun me," I laughed sharply.
I watched her face, she didn't seem convinced that I was a monster yet so I grabbed the closest branch from the tree next to me and snapped it in half like I was breaking a twig. I held it in my hand effortlessly and then threw it so it hit another tree and it broke into several pieces. She looked frightened then, and I was immediately thrown into purgatory. I had to calm her somehow! I went to her in that instant, standing only two feet away, frozen so I wouldn't scare her.
"As if you could fight me off," I said, tenderly.
Her eyes never left mine, and I watched them grow wide during my attempt to persuade her to see the deplorable creature that I am. She didn't run from me, even after she witnessed the things I could do - the things I could do to her, I added. I felt a lump rise in my throat. She wasn't running... why wasn't she running? I could see the terror in her eyes, yet she stayed. I knew how she felt though; I knew I couldn't leave her either. If she were to stay with me, I couldn't bare to witness her terrified expression, "Don't be afraid," I said gently, "I promise..." the words were all wrong, I paused, thinking. How could I promise something I was so unsure of? "I swear not to hurt you," I refuted.
No mistakes �C I snapped at my new enemy, desire. I looked at her expression then, and I obviously hadn't convinced her.
"Don't be afraid," I begged in a whisper.
I stepped closer, but I gave myself adequate space from her so that I wouldn't be tempted to grab her around the waist, pull her body close to mine, gently grab her chin and direct her mouth to mine... stop there! While I was spinning my fantasies I realized I was now only a foot away from her face, not knowing how I had gotten there.
Keep it together �C I snapped at myself. Desire had surely taken over.
"Please forgive me," I begged, "I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now." I tried to persuade myself more than anything.
I was beginning to worry about her. Bella hadn't even whimpered or made a single noise since I decided to show her exactly what a vampire was capable of. Hadn't I reassured her that I wouldn't hurt her after my mistake? What else could I say?
"I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I winked trying to show her she could trust me.
She suddenly, and unexpectedly, began laughing. Her silvery bell chime voice shaking slightly. Had she gone mad? Did I finally do something to make her mind snap? Horribly, terrifyingly, I was worried that I had damaged the one person who I loved above all else.
"Are you all right?" I asked delicately.
Maybe if I were to try and put us back together again. I placed my hand back in hers and the warmth made me inhale her heady scent while passion and desire started rearing their heads up in approval. She looked down at my hand then, like I had pulled her out of a deep thought. Her eyes slowly rose to meet mine. I was pleading for forgiveness with my eyes, hoping she could see that I was sorry.
She looked back at my hand again, like she was checking that it was still there. Suddenly I was shivering in pleasure as her fingers began tracing lines up and down my arm again. She returned her gaze to my face again and smiled apprehensively. Was everything back to normal now? I returned her smile quickly so she would feel reassured.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I asked, making sure she realized that I was still sorry for my mistake.
"I honestly can't remember," she said, and I was grateful for her response.
I smiled but the remorse was still plain on my face.
"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason." I reminded her.