Thankfully they were just rumors that were reported nonstop on ESPN and the news, but weren’t based on any facts. It was funny how often that kind of thing happened. So many things got leaked and talked about on the sports channels that had no factual basis at all. Not surprisingly, the mention of “a reliable source” was all those shows needed to give them the leeway to report whatever they wanted.
One day Jack’s coach pulled him into his office, and Jack told me later that he’d braced for the news, terrified to have to tell me he’d be leaving again. But the coach only called him in to tell him that the rumors were false and they had no intention of letting Jack go.
“I was so scared when Coach called me in, Kitten. You have no idea,” Jack confessed as we lay in bed that night.
“Oh, I can imagine,” I breathed against his chest. “I’m so glad it was only rumors.”
“They shouldn’t be able to say shit like that.”
“Daddy, bad word.” Chance’s tiny voice surprised us, coming from the doorway of our bedroom.
Jack and I immediately sat up. “You’re right,” Jack told him. “That was a bad word. What are you doing up, bud?”
“I had a bad dream,” he confessed, dragging his tattered blue blanket behind him as he walked toward Jack’s side of the bed. “Can I sleep with youse guys?”
I smiled and scooted away from my husband to make some space between us. “You bet. Get in here.” Jack reached for him and helped pull him up onto our bed.
“Thanks, Mommy. Thanks, Daddy.” He scrambled under the blankets and in no time fell back to sleep.
Jack stared lovingly at our little boy and said quietly, “I’m away from you two enough already. If they traded me I would have quit.”
“What? No, you wouldn’t have,” I insisted. Not because I didn’t want Jack to be home more, but because I didn’t really believe him.
“This is my tenth season, Kitten. Full pension after I complete it. I’ve been thinking about it anyway.”
“Thinking about what? Quitting?”
I couldn’t imagine Jack not playing baseball. All I’d ever known was him being a ball player three hundred sixty-five days a year. It wasn’t something he could turn off when he wasn’t playing. He was always prepped, prepared, and working toward new goals.
All his hard work paid off. The amazing thing was, Jack actually did come back as strong as he once was. He was right when he’d insisted that he just needed time to fully heal. These days he consistently threw between ninety-three and ninety-four mile-per-hour pitches, just like before.
“I think this might be my last season.”
I sucked in a shocked breath. Hearing those words from him both excited and terrified me. I didn’t want Jack to go back to being who he was when he got hurt. That fear remained, even as I responded, “It’s up to you. I’ll support whatever you decide to do. Just be sure, okay?” I smiled reassuringly and rubbed his arm before turning out the light and snuggling next to our bed-hogging son.
But my eyes stayed open as my mind whirled, and it was nearly dawn before I fell into a fitful sleep.
You Miss Out
It had been five years since Cassie and I extended our family, since the birth of our amazing son, Chance. I loved Cassie more today than I did yesterday. And there was no doubt that I’d love her more tomorrow than I did right now. There seemed to be no end to my love for this girl.
She made me a better person. She was the mother of my child. There was no way I could explain how this made me feel about her. I only knew that my heart felt like it expanded daily to fit in all the love I had for her.
Cassie started missing the majority of my games; even the home ones as Chance got older. She did her best to attend every game I was scheduled to pitch for, whether she brought Chance or not. And she only traveled with me if Melissa and Dean watched Chance, but now that he was starting school, she felt extra guilty about leaving him at all.
I tried to convince her to bring him to more away games, but it was just too hard for her during the school year. And even when we played at home, it was usually on a weekday and that didn’t fly with her. She insisted on giving Chance as much structure as possible, with a schedule that didn’t include growing up at a ballpark.
Weekends were a different story, though. Thank God for weekend games. Although now that Chance had started playing Pony baseball, I wasn’t sure how many of my games they’d be able to make.
I definitely played second string to my son. And you know what? I didn’t mind at all. What I did fucking mind, though, was the fact that I missed out on all these things. My entire life had revolved around being at a baseball stadium, or traveling to one.
There was no need for anyone to tell me how good I’d had it, because I already knew. But no one ever told you how hard it really was to balance family with a baseball career. You know why they didn’t tell you?
Because it was impossible.
There was no balance.
Baseball won every time.
Never getting days off to plan or celebrate anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays was one thing when it was just me and Kitten. It still fucking sucked and I felt like a dick, but Cassie never complained. Not once. But it was another thing entirely to miss out on your own kid’s birthday. Every year since he’d been born, I’d missed his party. Sure, I got to relive each one in a series of photographs Cassie had taken. But it wasn’t the same as actually being there.
Chance was getting ready to start kindergarten the next day. It was his first day of “big kid” school, as he liked to call it, and I was stuck in some swanky hotel in Arizona. I knew Cassie was fine without me, but I hated missing out on everything. Dialing her number, I couldn’t help but smile when he answered the phone instead of her.
“Hello? Daddy?”
“Hey, bud. Getting ready for school tomorrow?”
“Uh huh. We’re shopping right now.”
“Oh, I see. Can you put Mommy on the phone?”
“No.”