He was still staring at his coffee. “Yeah, it does.”
“I care for you. Maybe even love you.”
Blake glanced up at her, his dark eyes shining. “You’re going through a lot now.” He spoke quickly, as though trying to convince her. “I get that. But you don’t have to keep pushing me away. You keep doing that and you keep coming back. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Yes, I do.” She looked at him, her eyes pleading him to understand. In a small pause she gathered her thoughts. She looked out the window as she spoke. “Having a baby was always something I thought I’d do someday. In the future. Then I got pregnant and all these hormones started racing through my body. Suddenly I had all these new feelings bubbling up from somewhere deep inside. Feelings I’d never had before. I was a sea of maternal instincts. I wanted the baby.” She paused and glanced at him. “And then, the baby was gone.”
Carson had to take a breath to still the trembling of her voice. This was hard to talk about without crying.
“But the problem is, the hormones are still raging. I feel emotional, weepy, sad, angry . . . and sometimes almost relieved.”
She wiped her eyes with her fingers. Blake handed her a paper napkin, which she promptly used to blow her nose. When she spoke again, her voice was low and controlled.
“Somewhere in all that mire is the me I used to be. Someone strong. Confident. Someone I liked. Someone not like this.” She swept her hand beside her body.
“You’re still the same person.”
“No, I’m not,” she said with heat.
Blake fell silent.
“I need to find that person again. And I need to do that alone.”
“Why alone? That’s always been your MO when things got tough. You turn tail and run. Don’t do it, Carson. Not just to me, but to yourself.”
Carson shoved away her mug. “I had this experience. It was under anesthesia and like a dream. Later I had the same dream over and over. It was freaking me out. I talked to Harper and she asked me if I’d ever heard of spiritual totems.” Carson smirked and lifted one shoulder in a halfhearted shrug. “Me, right? As if. But then she showed me something online about animal totems and we looked up shark.” Carson blew out a plume of air. “It was weird. Suddenly, it all made sense.”
“What made sense?”
“According to the book, when one gets a message from the shark, it represents survival. The shark is a master of survival. Those given a shark totem live their lives attuned to their primal instinct. That’s when it clicked.”
She leaned forward. “The night before Lucille died, she told me to trust my instincts. Lucille knew me better than anyone and she told me the same thing! After she died, I went with my instinct about the baby. To protect that life.” Carson’s voice wobbled and she saw Blake’s eyes fill with tears. “That was why I decided to keep the baby. I was following my instincts.”
He nodded, his lips tight, unable to speak. He reached out to grasp her hand on the table. In that moment, they shared the grief of their lost child.
She released his hand with a gentle pat, then sat back, gathering her emotions. Her mind was clear but her heart was heavy. “The book went on. Those with a shark totem are always moving forward. To be motionless is to sink. To die. I’ve thought about this a lot since the miscarriage. We both know I’ve been floating around without forward motion for a long time. I think that was the message of the shark. I need to get swimming again. Or I’m going under.”
“I won’t let you go under. I’m here for you.”
She closed her eyes, pained by his constant attempts at rescue. She knew he’d never let her swim alone. He’d always be there to hold her tight. If she allowed that, she’d be trapped, and like a shark held over on its back, she’d be unable to move forward.
“Blake, I’m asking you to back off for a while.”
He expelled a loud frustrated breath.
“Just for a little while. I need to find myself again, to get back to the water. And I need to do this on my own.”
“So you are breaking up with me. Again.”
“No, I’m not breaking up with you. I’m taking a time-out.”
Blake pushed back his chair to rise and it made a loud scraping sound, almost tipping over. His face was stoic but hard, and his eyes reflected his hurt. “Yeah. Sure. No problem.” He lifted his hands in the universal I’m done manner.
He turned to leave, walked a few steps, then spun on his heel and headed back to the table. Carson crouched in her chair, knowing a hurt was coming.
Blake bent low and spoke in a low voice hot with emotion. “But you know what? You weren’t the only one who was hurt. I lost a baby, too.”
Their gazes locked, each pained and unyielding. Then he turned and left the coffee shop without another glance.
Mamaw sat in the shade of Girard’s back porch. From where she sat, she had a lovely view of the Sea Breeze dock. The house peeked out from behind heavy palm fronds. She sighed heavily.
Girard put his hand over hers on her lap. “Penny for your thoughts.”
She smiled wearily. “I need far more than a penny, I’m afraid.” She looked at his face, so handsome and kind, and smiled reassuringly. “I’m all right. I was just thinking how my dear Sea Breeze lies just beyond, out of my reach. Rather poignant, under the circumstances.”
“Marietta, you’ve known this day was coming. You’ve planned for it.”
“No, that’s just the problem. I didn’t plan. That was my failing. I should have been more mindful when I was younger. Edward and I both should have. Money slipped through my fingers without thought for the future. I suppose I always thought that Edward would provide for me. And he did, generously,” she hurried to add. She didn’t want to put the blame on her dear dead husband’s shoulders. “I gave far too much to my son, Parker, for far too long. And, I’m afraid, Edward and I didn’t anticipate the rise in costs to maintain Sea Breeze.”
“You can’t blame yourself for that. No one foresaw the rise in insurance and taxes. You aren’t the only one selling.”
“I know, I know,” she murmured, but her heart was still heavy. “I’ve gone through all of these rationalizations. But I still feel like a failure.”