I exhaled and closed the inches between us, my hands slipping between his arms to encircle his waist as I laid my head on his chest.
“I’m going back to college. I want to finish my courses. I’m going to continue my therapy with a great doctor that Seamus recommended. I’m going to take my meds and learn to live with my illness and I hope when I’m done…I hope that you’ll still want me because I can’t think about my world if you’re not in it.”
For several moments there was nothing. No noise. No reaction. Nothing. The room was so heavy with nothing that I was choking on it.
Then his hands slid out of his pocket and wove their way into my hair, tugging on my head until I was forced to look up at him.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“No.” I shook my head. This was the real important part. “I’m giving you the chance to bow out gracefully because this might not end well and your whole future is ahead of you and,,,”
But I didn’t finish my words because his mouth was on mine, his lips and tongue and everything about him almost desperate as I opened beneath him. I kissed him back as hard as I could, my hands clutching his shoulders, my body limp against him.
To feel this much emotion…to feel this much love was scary.
We broke apart, hearts beating fast and furious. Short of breath he wheezed and his eyes devoured me as if he’d been starving for days.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to help you get to the place you need to be,” he said. “But why do you think you need to do this alone? Why can’t you go to college nearby and live here with me?”
A sad smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “That kind of defeats the purpose of doing it on my own. And I already told you that I can’t move forward until I’m 100 percent sure I’m not a danger to anyone. I can’t. I saw what this illness did to my parents and until I own it and rule it, I’m not good for anyone.”
He exhaled and swore and for a few minutes the only noise was the wind whistling through the trees outside the barn.
“I need to do this, Ben. I need to do this for me. I just don’t know if it’s enough for you and I understand it you want to step back. Hell, you deserve a normal non crazy girlfriend and I don’t want to be an embarrassment to you.”
“Embarrassment? What the hell does that mean?”
“You know what it means. You’ll get ribbed by some of the guys on team. Danby for sure.”
“I can handle Danby.”
“I’m just saying that my past isn’t easy and I don’t want it to hurt you.”
His eyes narrowed and he looked pissed off. “I want you to understand something. I don’t give a flying fuck about that shit. Got it? What you did and who you did it with, is before. It’s before me. It’s before you and me. So whatever it takes to make this work I’m in. I’m in for the long haul. I’m in it to win.”
“Are you sure?” I could barely get the words past the huge lump in my throat. I was so afraid he’d think I was too much work. Afraid he wouldn’t want a part time girlfriend.
“Georgia, this last month has been fucking awful. The only thing that got me through it was training camp. I lived and breathed hockey and it saved me. I want you in my life and I’ll take whatever I can get. I love every inch of you, even the crazy parts. Guys have girlfriends who go to different colleges all the time. We can make it work.”
“We can make it work,” I repeated stupidly, tears spilling into my eyes.
“Now come here,” he said roughly, beckoning with his fingers. I ran into his arms and he crushed me to his chest. “What time are you leaving in the morning?”
“Early.”
“Who’s taking you?”
“I’m driving up myself.”
“No you’re not.”
I glanced up at him. “Ben, you don’t have to…don’t you have practice or something?”
His eyes were on my mouth. “Nope. Our next exhibition game is Wednesday so I’ve got this covered. I’ll drive you to school and get you settled, but…” His lips were now inching their way across my jaw until he was nestled at the corner of my mouth.