It was startling. My physical reaction to him. I was no angel, in fact, I was about as far away from angelic as you could get, and had been since about the age of fifteen.
God, I was the girl who would screw anyone, anytime, anywhere, because I could. Because I had the power. Because my brain chemistry was so fucked up that I felt like I could do anything I wanted with no consequence and the high was incredible.
How many times had I had sex for the express purpose of having sex because I could? Not because I wanted to? Or even enjoyed it?
Too many times to count.
And the thing of it was, I don’t have a problem with anyone—girls or guys—hooking up because they want to or because it felt good. I don’t have a problem with that because they own their bodies and as long as they’re in control emotionally it’s all good. Hell, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if someone had an orgy every single night as long as it’s what they wanted.
There was no judging.
The problem with my past was that most of the hookups and crazy shit I’d done had been because I could, because they filled in the holes and made me feel powerful, not because I wanted to and that’s a huge difference.
But now I had Ben Lancaster with his eyes that were way too dark and way too sexy and at the moment, in this silence that blanketed us, they were way too damn intense.
I should have dragged my gaze from his and studied Stallone’s sculpture. Maybe glanced up at the sky and commented on the humidity and the fact that I thought it was going to be a bitch of a day. I should have done anything to break this connection. But I didn’t. Instead I caught my breath and just took him in.
His hair curled around his face, the humidity and moisture making the waves crazy and those damn eyes were relentless as they stared back at me.
“Do you want to…” My voice trailed off as I nodded toward the top of the stairs.
He didn’t look away and my mouth went dry. “Yeah, I want to.”
“Okay,” I managed to get out as I took a step back. “Last one to the top is a dumb ass loser.”
I whirled around and bolted, my legs pumping fast and furious. I couldn’t handle the way he was looking at me because I didn’t want it to stop. And that was so wrong. There could never be a Ben and Georgia because on what planet did a guy who had everything ever end up with someone like me? Someone damaged. Someone who popped lithium and klonopin because if she didn’t things would go to shit.
Someone who could snap at any moment.
I flew up the steps, my lungs burning as I took them like the devil was on my ass, and I suppose in a way he was. A hot, delectable devil that represented everything I wanted and could never have.
Guys like Ben Lancaster belonged with girls who could handle life. He belonged with a girl who wasn’t afraid that every single day she was moving closer and closer to an inevitable end.
One her mother had taken three years ago.
My bracelets jangled crazily as I reached the top and I shook out my hands, but the decision to nip whatever the hell it was between us in the bud, died when I glanced back and watched him walk toward me. He’d just cleared the top step, a huge grin on his face and I couldn’t help it, my lips curved and I giggled.
He was walking around in a circle, swaggering and throwing his arms down like he was in the ring. The Rocky theme song fell from his mouth and the more exaggerated his moves got the more I giggled.
A few early morning souls appeared from nowhere and glanced our way but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about any of it. When was the last time I’d been with someone who just didn’t give a shit?
Okay, let me rephrase. When was the last time I had been with someone who didn’t give a shit and wasn’t higher than a kite?
But then something changed. Something subtle yet so powerful the hair stood up on the back of my neck. My mouth was still dry and I fingered my empty water bottle. I thought that even if the damn thing was full, it would never quench the thirst I was feeling.
Ben advanced on me, his steps slow and assured, like a lion or a tiger on the prowl.
Instinctively, I took a step back, my belly clenched, my heart beating so fast I was pretty sure both Ben and the people behind him could hear it. Hell, the sound of it clogged my ears and for a second I was disoriented.