I took a stuttering breath and allowed one tear to slip from my right eye. The lonely drop made a trail down my cheek, ending at my jawline and falling to my t-shirt where it left a small wet spot. A screech of frustration followed, echoing in the long tiled bathroom. I slammed my hands against the wet counter, splashing water on my jeans and bare arms.
One more tear was allowed freedom, landing on my shirt where it was lost in the other water spots left from the counter splash and then I decided to get ahold of myself. I slowed down my scrubbing and inhaled deeply. I counted to five and then I forced my eyes to the mirror.
It was easy to avoid mirrors usually. Most of the time I wished I never had to look at my face ever again. I didn’t care what I looked like. I didn’t want to care what I looked like. And I really didn’t want to see the accusing, hate-filled eyes that I knew would be staring back at me.
But I still made myself do it.
I had to get through this with my mind intact. My soul was shot to all hell, and my emotions were one tear-fest away from a doctor-recommended Xanax prescription. But I had my mind. My mind was my savior, my ticket out of here, my future. I had to stay sharp.
That meant facing my demons.
At least some of them.
I turned the water off and gripped the sides of the sink basin. I slid my eyes upwards and readied my nerves to face myself.
Rich auburn hair streaked with brighter reddish gold highlights pulled up high on my head. Deep, disturbingly green, emerald eyes. Plump, perfectly bowed red lips. Flawless skin. And that small smattering of freckles across the bridge of my nose.
Mine was the kind of face that guys didn’t forget and girls hated on principal. I was a genetic mistake. A freak of nature and fate and a curse.
My face was a curse.
I stared myself down and dared my heart to give up now.
Sam. Sam didn’t die. Sam is alive. I am alive. Sam will get better one day. Sam has to get better one day. And I will be better one day. One day, I will leave this all behind.
One day I will be free.
It was a practiced mantra, one that I said constantly to myself. And it worked. I molded my mouth into a smile, tightened my hair-knot and rubbed at my bottom lip since I hadn’t brought Chapstick with me.
I shook my hands of left over water and then reached for a paper towel. This was my night of absolute reprieve from my life. I could put up with Kenna and Ryder for a little while longer if it meant I didn’t have to be home alone, or worse with Nix and my mom.
I turned for the door and decided that I was done wallowing and needed to get over myself when it was suddenly thrust open and Ryder came strutting inside. My hand flew to my neck instinctively and I took a few beats to steady my breathing. My pulse thumped wildly against my fingers and I tightened my grip against my throat. Ryder and I assessed each other from a few feet apart, his eyes were cool and calculating, mine were wide and frightened.
“You scared the hell out of me!” I finally yelled at him.
A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, and his eyes softened into careful amusement. “Sorry,” he finally relented. “Kenna was worried about you. She asked me to check on you.”
“And that meant storming the girls’ bathroom?” I snapped.
“I was waiting outside, but you were taking so long I started to wonder if Kenna had a right to be concerned,” he explained. His gray eyes were heated in the low lights of the bathroom but full of excited adrenaline from being on stage. The ends of his hair were damp from being under the hot lights and curled around his neck and over his ears, slick with sweat. His shirt clung to his body, sticking to him from the performance. He was full of feral energy; his presence was completely intrusive and demanding. His energy was infecting the room, reaching every molecule and atom around me, making the air bounce off the walls in excited frenzy.
He was overwhelming.
And for once in my life I was the one get pulled in.
“Kenna’s sweet, but as you can see, I’m fine,” I broke the silence that had settled between us. It was in no way comfortable. Being alone with Ryder felt dangerous and explosive.
“Yes, I can see that,” Ryder nodded, pulling in his bottom lip with his teeth.
After establishing that I was fine I expected him to escape. I could tell he wasn’t comfortable being around me, which only made me want to explore this phenomenon all the more. He was dominating in the doorway, he took up so much space. But it wasn’t just physical, it was like his presence hovered in every empty space in the small bathroom, pressing against me, crowding me. Pushing me out of the way.
I sucked in a breath, needing to break the silence, “You guys were….” I paused, not sure what to say. Any compliment I could give him didn’t feel like enough, there wasn’t a word for how great he was. But at the same time, saying something nice felt like a betrayal of everything that I was. He didn’t even like me! I couldn’t give him that.
I was saved by a pack of girls stumbling into the bathroom and directly into his back. They burst into giggles when they realized he was a boy and then glanced between us with knowing looks.
“Sorry,” one of the girls announced on a laugh. She was petite and tiny, with a short blonde bob highlighted with pink and purple streaks. “We didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s no problem,” Ryder announced benevolently, but his eyes had yet to leave mine, making me feel like they actually were interrupting something.
I just didn’t know what.
“Oh my gosh!” another girl announced. She had red hair not at all like mine, vibrant, blindingly red and obviously from a bottle. “You’re Ryder Sutton! You’re from Sugar Skulls!”
And then the three girls squealed in unison.
“Oh my gosh, you’re Ryder Sutton!” I intoned obnoxiously, taking a step forward and laying a hand on his chest bravely. I was annoyed with the girls, both for their intrusion and the way they were ready to drop their panties for him. “I didn’t know it was you!” And I went to move past him. I pushed through the crowd of groupies, but left my hand on his chest. His skin was hot and muscled underneath my hand, holding me to him like an intense magnet, locking my skin to his.
He turned with me, apparently not minding that we were causing a scene. His hand wrapped around my wrist, his strong fingers closing tight against my bare skin. A lone butterfly flapped distantly in my belly, and a charge of electricity shot straight up my sternum into my heart. What the hell?
“You know me,” he stated simply. His silver eyes bore into mine and his tight hold on my wrist kept my hand to his chest, when I thought for sure he was going to remove my touch.
“I don’t know anything about you,” I replied, just as simply, just as sincerely.
The red head let out a burst of rude laughter breaking into the bubble of intimacy Ryder had created around us. I snapped my head her direction, reminded that we were still in the bathroom, that Ryder still wasn’t affected by my charm judging by the cold look in his gunmetal eyes and that his girlfriend was waiting outside for us.
“Fair enough,” Ryder admitted and then released my hand. My arm dropped to my side and I worked my hand into a fist and then relaxed it trying to find the strength that had been there a minute ago. But my hand was useless, completely zapped of motor function and usability thanks to the weird spell Ryder put on me.
I was never affected by men. Never. That was the key to my voodoo.
I did the affecting.
Not the other way around.
Ryder needed to learn that.
Or I needed to get the hell away from him.
Probably both.
I pulled the bathroom door open a little too violently and it swung at me with a rush of hot, humid air from the concert hall. I jumped out of the way and tumbled out of the bathroom. The gaggle of fan-girls erupted into laughter and I felt Ryder immediately behind me, escaping before they asked for autographs on their boobs.
Kenna was waiting at the bar for us, holding my sweatshirt in her hands, probably to save it from the exiting masses. The concert was officially over and save for some last minute t-shirt sales the crowd en masse was pushing their way through the door and out onto 14 street.
“Thanks,” I offered to Kenna, reaching for my hoodie. “He’s all yours.” I threw out as a candid acknowledgment of Ryder behind me.
There was a long moment of awkward silence before Kenna looked me straight in the eyes with a pinched expression and declared, “He’s always been all mine.”
Yikes.
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I hadn’t meant to issue a challenge, but Kenna was looking at me like she was deciding which hand to slap me with.
“She is well aware, Ken,” Ryder saved me by pulling his girlfriend to him and nuzzling into her neck.
Ugh. More PDA.
I looked longingly at the door, determined to flee. My night of freedom had been trampled and tainted by these two love birds and now I was being accused of poaching. Kenna’s claws had come out to protect her valuables and I was caught in between a product of my heritage and the uncomfortable third wheel.
“Seriously, Kenna,” I started, forcing the apology from my lips. This was not in my nature, but something deeper than my instinct to run whispered that I needed to protect this relationship. Or at least protect Ryder…. from myself. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I’m not like that. I mean, what’s yours is yours. I didn’t mean to intrude tonight. You came up to me…. I’m not interested in… I mean, you have nothing to worry about.”
Ryder looked up at me from his hold on Kenna and could barely hold back his laughter. “You’ve given her a hard enough time, Kenna. She gets it, yeah?”
“Yeah, she gets it,” Kenna answered Ryder and her eyes narrowed on me further.
“I get it,” I repeated and then backed up toward the bar. I needed another drink before the bus ride home. I turned my back on the happy couple and called out to the bartender. “One more for the road,” I flirted a little, flashing him a smile, since he was already cleaning up and I knew I was being a pain in the ass.
“I’m just not sure the vodka gets it,” Kenna sniped, not even trying to soften her voice or disguise her disgust.
“Hey, give me a break,” Neck Tattoos held up his hand in a gesture of surrender. “It’s just water. I don’t serve minors.” And then he went back to scrubbing down the bar. That was the last shot of H2O I was getting tonight.
Thankfully the bartender had been defensive enough that even I believed he wouldn’t have served me. I turned back to Ryder and Kenna not really wanting to meet either of them in the eye. Water was bad for my rep.
I ignored the part of my soul that felt relieved somebody else had seen this part of me. The part that preferred water. The innocent thirsty part of me.
I didn’t know what that meant and now was not the time to try and untangle the mountains of screwed up I was.
“Uh, recovering addict and all,” I mumbled. I didn’t exactly meet their curious stares, but I did notice Ryder’s lips curve into a barely there smile. “Well, good talk. See you two tomorrow.”
I maneuvered around them during their simultaneous goodbyes and finally fled into the cool night. I immediately threw my hoodie on, zipped it up to the top and pulled on my hood. I had a trek to get back home and chances were homework was completely out of the picture. But I had gotten my night of freedom.
And there were parts of it that actually felt…. free.
Chapter Seven
“Hey,” Chase met me on the sidewalk in front of the school the minute I stepped out of Exie’s silver Lexus. I gave a fast wave to Exie and met him in front of the long set of stone steps leading to the front door of the antiquated school. Once upon a time Omaha was the capitol city of Nebraska and Central High School the capitol building. When Nebraska moved the yellow star to Lincoln, Central became a high school. It was a really pretty building, but a super crappy school…. at least in my opinion.
Chase was football-star-studly today in his letterman jacket and swoopy hair that fell across his forehead. He two-strapped his backpack and rocked back and forth on his heels while waiting for me. I was the recipient of a very confident smile this morning. His two dimples were like some kind of magical force, drawing out my own smile I thought had died sometime in the night.
“Hey yourself,” I replied without any edge in my voice. Yay for me. “Were you waiting for me?”
“Yep,” he grinned down at me. “Walk you to class?”
I wasn’t sure what to do with his chivalry so I just nodded. I was used to boys and boyfriends and all that came with them. It was like my after school job. But in reality I hadn’t had a boyfriend since last year, since…. Sam. And I felt awkward trying to get back into the pattern. There were instincts buried inside of me that would let me flirt freely and command attention with practiced skill. But right now I felt alien in this role, I couldn’t remember how to toss out smiles and demand flattery. Right now I just wanted to go back home and go to bed.
We took the long walk up the stairs in silence. I could feel Chase radiating with an excited energy that should be contagious, that should reinforce my self-esteem and pride. Instead, I sludged along next to him, holding back an epic sigh that would signify my utter dread for the day ahead.
Ugh. I was so messed up.
“So Calculus again?” I asked at the top of the staircase. We were as reluctant as most of our peers to actually enter the building, so we hung out collectively with the rest of the student body in front of the two story-stone façade.
“Nope,” Chase cut me a side glance as if he was surprised I had paid attention yesterday. “Applied Physics.”
“Even more fun,” I smiled at him, happy to have his full attention. There was something about being near Chase, having his eyes on me, standing in his shadow. He was like the sun, bright and happy and warm. He was exactly what I needed right now. Even if there wasn’t a spark from my end, I could still breathe when I was near him.