She shakes her head. ‘Nah, I kind of want to see you shaking your thing solo.’ When I start to frown, she laughs. ‘Of course I’ll join you, silly boy.’ She’s sitting between Violet and her brother, and motions for Violet to let her out.
Once she’s to her feet, she laces her fingers through mine and pulls me toward the dance floor where couples are grinding on each other. She’s wearing black skinny jeans tucked in lace-up boots along with a red shirt. Her hair is up and the only makeup she has on is some black liner. She’s probably the most dressed woman here and the most beautiful.
When we reach the center of the floor, I pull her to me and she rests her head on my chest as we start swaying to the beat of ‘Ho Hey’ by The Lumineers.
‘So why’d you really come home early?’ she asks so softly I can barely hear her over the music.
‘Because I wanted to make sure you were okay.’ I press my hand to her lower back, the other on her h*ps as I rest my chin on the top of her head.
‘But there’s more to it than that.’ It’s not a question, but a statement.
My initial reaction is to lie, but then I realize I don’t want to lie to her anymore, don’t want to be that guy. ‘Because I wasn’t handling things well.’
Her hands tighten around the back of my neck, pulling me closer to her. ‘Did you—’
‘No,’ I cut her off so she doesn’t have to ask. ‘I wanted to, though. Things were already hard when I learned about my father and about what happened with Caleb, but then it got worse when my mother called and wanted to talk to me.’
Her hold on me tightens. ‘Did you talk to her?’
‘No … I couldn’t.’
‘Good. I’m glad. You shouldn’t. Not until we know where she stands. And maybe not even then.’
‘I love you,’ I say because it’s all I can say at the moment. The way she’s always protecting me, it’s too much sometimes to even comprehend.
She leans back to look me in the eyes. ‘I don’t think you should ever even consider talking to her again unless you want to, no matter what happens.’
‘I won’t,’ I say. ‘Although, I was kind of curious what she had to say … probably something bad, but still she’s …’
‘She’s your mom and you feel like you have to talk to her,’ Callie finishes for me. ‘But she needs to start acting like a mother before you treat her like one.’
‘I’m not sure I ever want to anyway.’
‘Then don’t. You don’t owe her anything.’
Her words are exactly what I need to hear, and I no longer want to dwell on family stuff. I want desperately to let go of it, so I change the subject. ‘You and your brother seem to be getting along.’
She shrugs, staring up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. ‘It’s been nice hanging out with him.’
‘Good. I’m glad. It’s nice to see you happy around your family.’
‘My mom wants us to come visit,’ she says, emphasizing her point that I’m included in this.
‘Dylan wants us to do the same thing,’ I say, mimicking her emphasis.
It gets her to laugh, her eyes crinkling at the corners. ‘Families are needy, aren’t they?’ As soon as she says it, she looks worried, like she’s offended me or something.
‘Callie, you don’t have to be careful with me. You can say the word family and I’ll be fine.’ I catch her gaze flick to my wrists, which I’m proud to say are free of any fresh cuts. ‘And besides, I’m learning that family doesn’t always mean what I thought it did. Dylan and his wife are nice, and Tyler wasn’t a dick.’ Keeping one hand on her back, I put the other on her cheek. ‘But honestly, you’re more of my family than anyone else. All I need is you and me and our tiny little apartment, and I’m good. I realized that while I was in Virginia.’
She swallows hard, her eyes welling up, but she looks happy not sad. ‘Good, because it’s all I need, too.’ Then she stands up on her tiptoes and plants a soft kiss on my mouth. ‘From now on,’ she whispers against my lips, ‘we take all trips and vacations together.’
‘Deal,’ I say then coax her lips apart with my tongue so I can kiss her as deeply as I want.
We keep moving and kissing until the song ends. When it switches to a faster tempo one, I decide to step up my skills. Like the first time we danced, I slide my hand down her arm, push her out then spin her around until she crashes into my chest.
She busts up laughing, throwing her head back. ‘You know, we may not have gotten to party like rock stars, but we sure as heck can dance like them.’
‘We sure as hell can,’ I say, spinning her around and around until she’s laughing so hard she’s crying. ‘We can do anything – you and me – when we’re together.’
Her laughing silences as she stares up at me. ‘I want this … you and me … forever.’
I wet my lips with my tongue, noting how much my heart accelerates, noticing how much I don’t want to run.
Stay.
Stay.
Stay.
My heart beats.
Forever.
And ever.
And ever.
‘Me, too,’ I say then kiss her with as much passion as my heart is carrying, letting her know just how much I love her, and that I always will.
Chapter 23
#165 Accept the Phone Call You’ve Been Dreading.
Kayden
A week passes without anything major happening, and I think, Maybe my life is finally going to get some normalcy. My days consist of practice, school, Callie, work, Callie, and practice. I love the routine and it starts to get me wondering if maybe Dylan was right, perhaps it’s time to let everything with my father go. Move on. Accept football might be my thing and just own it. It doesn’t need to be associated with my father if I don’t want it to be.
Yep, everything is going great in that thing we call life until I got that goddamn call.
The thing is, I knew it was coming, knew it would happen eventually. But what I wasn’t prepared for was who would deliver the news to me. Maybe if I did, I could have prepared myself more.
The unknown number should have been a red flag, but I was working on a final paper and so I was a little distracted when I answered it.
God, I wish I hadn’t been distracted.
‘Your father’s dead.’ The sound of my mother’s voice almost sidetracks me from what she said.
‘How the f**k did you get my number?’ I shove the textbooks out of the way and sit up in Callie and mine’s bed. ‘Did Dylan give it to you?’ If so, then I’m super pissed. And hurt.
She lets out a hollow laugh. ‘Yeah, right. Like he would ever do that. He thinks he’s protecting you from us by keeping us disconnected.’
I relax a little, relieved Dylan didn’t betray me. And I’m a little pissed off at myself for instantly jumping to that conclusion. ‘He is, though.’
‘Well, you can believe what you want,’ she says, her icy tone unsettlingly familiar. ‘But people shouldn’t disown their family.’
‘I didn’t disown you. You chose to leave and I chose not to let you back in.’ I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, putting my feet on the floor. ‘And I’ve been doing fine with that choice – better than I have my entire life.’
‘Well, I’m sorry we make you so miserable.’ She sounds anything but sorry. Irritated, yes. Sorry, no. There’s a pause and I think she’s waiting for me to disagree with her statement, but I’m not going to. ‘Well, anyway. I thought I’d call to let you know you’re now officially fatherless.’
‘Okay.’ Again, I feel nothing.
Nothing.
Empty.
Cold.
Without a heart.
Except I do have a heart.
It just beats for someone else.
For people who deserve it.
Callie.
‘Jesus, Kayden, you could at least pretend to sound upset about it,’ she says in a surprisingly even tone for someone who just lost her husband.
‘Yeah, well, I guess I’m not as good at pretending as you are.’ I lower my head into my hand, wanting to take what I said back because it’s rude and spiteful, and I don’t want to be that. But I can’t bring myself to retract what I’m really feeling and pretend.
‘I can’t believe how you’re acting,’ she snaps. ‘I raised you to be better than this. Raised you to be the kind of person that would at least come say goodbye to their father before he passed. You know how weird it looked to the doctors and nurses for none of his children to show up?’ My mother has always been into appearances, her motto being that as long as everyone thinks everything is perfect, then it is.
‘About as bad as it looked for the entire town when I got arrested, I’m sure. Or when I was committed because of my cutting.’
‘I can’t believe you’re bringing that up.’
‘And I can’t believe you called me.’ I get up from the bed and start pacing the room, trying to channel my adrenaline in the healthiest way I can think of. I will not give in. I won’t. ‘Dylan could have given me the update.’
‘Update? I can’t believe you just called your father’s death an update.’ She’s verging toward crying. I should feel bad, but I can’t find the will to bring that emotion out of me for her. ‘After everything he did for you; put you into sports, put a roof over your head, bought you all the things you needed.’
‘There’s so much more to life than materialism, Mother. And so much more to being a parent than buying your children the shit they need, like, say, loving them and not beating them up or stabbing them.’
‘I didn’t do any of those things.’ She tries to sound calm, but I can tell she’s crying, almost losing it completely, which is something I’ve never seen or heard her do before.
I should stop.
I should care enough to stop.
But I don’t.
‘No, you just let it happen,’ I say through gritted teeth, ‘which is just as bad.’
‘We are not bad parents!’ she cries hysterically, shocking me because I honestly didn’t think she possessed emotion. ‘We’re not …’ The last part sounds like she’s trying to convince herself, not me.
I can’t take it anymore. Bad mother or not, I don’t want to be the kind of person to bring others pain. Don’t want to be like them. Don’t want to carry this heaviness in me anymore. I want to let it go – be free. So I make a choice, one that will hopefully set me free.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘For what?’
‘For saying all those things …’ Even though they’re true.
‘Good. Now, let’s talk about your father’s funeral and what you can help me with.’
I stop pacing. ‘No.’
‘What?’ She sounds shocked.
‘I’m not helping you with any of that.’
‘But he’s your father …’ That’s the best argument she can come up with and it’s sad. ‘And you just said you were sorry.’
‘Yeah, for saying hateful things,’ I say, breathing through the pain tearing at my chest, through the tears starting to fall. I’m letting go – accepting what is. I can feel myself on the edge of it. But the thing is, I’m letting go of a lot and I’m worried I’m going to explode when I finally say goodbye to it all – the hate, the pain, the resentment. ‘But not for feeling the way that I do. I’ll never be sorry for that, nor will I help with his funeral.’
‘So you’re not coming.’ She’s still crying, but she sounds angry.
‘I might, but I’m not sure yet.’ I stand up and grab my car keys and jacket before heading out of the room. ‘You can give Dylan the details and then he can pass them along to me.’
‘You’re a terrible son.’
The only things that keep me from listing off the terrible things she is, are 1) She’s hurting and even though I despise her, I don’t want to be that person. And 2) It doesn’t matter; she’s my past if I choose to let her be.
And I think I do.
‘That’s your opinion’ – I jerk open the front door, telling myself to keep breathing, to keep doing what I’m doing. Moving forward … move forward … one step at a time – ‘and I can live with that.’ I make another choice and hang up, not giving her any more room to insult me or make me angry.
I head for my car and then in the direction of quite possibly the best choice I have ever made.
Chapter 24
#166 Hold Someone While They Let it All Out.
Callie
We finish up the Thanksgiving break by snowboarding and going out before Jackson returns home. Then Kayden and I get to spend some time together – finally – in our new home.
I still visit Harper a couple of times to make sure everything’s going okay with therapy. She seems a little less fake and a bit more real, so when she tells me it’s going good, I believe her. It makes me happy that I got to help her with that, almost as if it was a healing process I didn’t even know about.
School goes on. Football goes on. Writing goes on. Life goes on. The next week goes by pretty uneventful. But the thing that Kayden and I both knew was coming finally arrives, smack dab in the middle of finals. I’m actually finishing up a test in Oceanography when I get a call from Kayden. I only know it’s him because of the ringtone, but I can’t answer it if I don’t want to get accused of cheating.