He had to learn to contain himself again, and he hated it. He

hated her that she was not there for him. And he took himself

off, anywhere.

But an instinct of gratitude and a knowledge that she would

receive him back again, that later on she would be there for him

again, prevented his straying very far. He cautiously did not go

too far. He knew she might lapse into ignorance of him, lapse

away from him, farther, farther, farther, till she was lost to

him. He had sense enough, premonition enough in himself, to be

aware of this and to measure himself accordingly. For he did not

Advertisement..

want to lose her: he did not want her to lapse away.

Cold, he called her, selfish, only caring about herself, a

foreigner with a bad nature, caring really about nothing, having

no proper feelings at the bottom of her, and no proper niceness.

He raged, and piled up accusations that had some measure of

truth in them all. But a certain grace in him forbade him from

going too far. He knew, and he quivered with rage and hatred,

that she was all these vile things, that she was everything vile

and detestable. But he had grace at the bottom of him, which

told him that, above all things, he did not want to lose her, he

was not going to lose her.

So he kept some consideration for her, he preserved some

relationship. He went out more often, to the "Red Lion" again,

to escape the madness of sitting next to her when she did not

belong to him, when she was as absent as any woman in

indifference could be. He could not stay at home. So he went to

the "Red Lion". And sometimes he got drunk. But he preserved his

measure, some things between them he never forfeited.

A tormented look came into his eyes, as if something were

always dogging him. He glanced sharp and quick, he could not

bear to sit still doing nothing. He had to go out, to find

company, to give himself away there. For he had no other outlet,

he could not work to give himself out, he had not the

knowledge.

As the months of her pregnancy went on, she left him more and

more alone, she was more and more unaware of him, his existence

was annulled. And he felt bound down, bound, unable to stir,

beginning to go mad, ready to rave. For she was quiet and

polite, as if he did not exist, as one is quiet and polite to a

servant.

Nevertheless she was great with his child, it was his turn to

submit. She sat opposite him, sewing, her foreign face

inscrutable and indifferent. He felt he wanted to break her into

acknowledgment of him, into awareness of him. It was

insufferable that she had so obliterated him. He would smash her

into regarding him. He had a raging agony of desire to do

so.




Most Popular