I can understand that she would do this for her brother, knowing that no matter how crazy the request, I would have done anything for Brady. Realm had said that he didn’t have anything outside The Program. I wonder why he never told me he had a sister.
“Kevin is a friend of ours,” she continues. “And when he got pulled off your case, Michael knew something was up. Obviously he was right. I’m sure you’re aware that there is an Amber Alert out for the two of you right now.” She motions to James.
“What? No. I . . .” And now I know that I can’t go home. That the flag has been thrown and nothing can be the same again, or at least, the same as it was a few weeks ago. I want to panic, but I’m trying to keep it together. I’m trying to be strong.
“The epidemic is spreading,” she says. “Michael wants you to go east—says there’s a group there that can help hide you. Kevin will help. He’s been conspiring with your friend Lacey for some time. They know about the rebels.”
“Rebels? Against The Program?”
“You don’t have to be part of it. Michael never was. He honestly believed in The Program, maybe even still does a little. But things are changing. He thought that your James might take up the cause. He says he’s quite the troublemaker.”
We both look back at James then. He’s behind the wheel, the phone to his ear as he argues with whoever is on the other end. His father? It’s clear by the expression on his face that it’s done, the life we had here. When he sees me watching, James’s mouth stops moving and he lowers his phone. He knows they’re looking for us too.
“You should go,” Anna says. “The car has a few supplies, a little bit of money and directions. Kevin will be waiting with Lacey at the rest stop on the Idaho border. Pick them up and leave the state. Michael will find you,” she says. “When he can, he’ll find you.”
I stare at her, seeing a small resemblance between her and Realm. I’m about to wonder if I should trust her when I realize that I don’t have any other options. This is our only hand to play.
Anna gives me the keys to the car before starting to walk into the house. She pauses suddenly, and turns to me. “Michael wanted me to give you one last thing,” she says. She removes a small plastic bag from her coat pocket and holds it out to me. I take it and peek inside. There is one bright-orange pill.
“It’s meant to bring back the lost memories,” she says. “Some more quickly than others. Michael got his hands on it when he was in The Program. He’d been saving it for when it was all over.” She swallows hard. “But he wants you to have it instead. He has a warning, though.” Anna takes a step closer to me, her eyes deadly serious. “He said that some things are better left in the past. And true things are destined to repeat themselves.”
I touch the small pill, wondering if it could have all that power, all the power to make me whole again. “He only gave me one?” I ask, thinking of James.
“There is only one,” she whispers. “And now it’s yours. Michael is giving you the choice that The Program didn’t. But he was very clear that if you take this pill, you might never forgive him. You might hate him.”
And suddenly I wonder what secrets Realm has been keeping from me. “I could never hate him,” I say, even though now I’m not so sure.
“Easy to say when you don’t remember.” She walks away then, pulling open the front door, but stopping to look back at me. “You’ll be the only one who remembers, Sloane, and that in itself could be a curse. I hope you choose wisely. I’d hate to hear that you couldn’t handle it, and terminated.” She presses her lips into a sympathetic smile. “I think that sometimes the only real thing is now.”
I don’t answer, and watch as she goes inside, leaving me on the darkened porch of my lost friend’s house. I gaze down at the bag, my back to James as I reach inside to take out the pill. I stare at it so long that my vision starts to tunnel—the color just a streak across my mental picture.
I blink quickly and look at it again, wondering how it would change me—getting my life back. I’d remember Brady’s death—feel that pain all over again. And then there’s the life I had with James. I could take this pill and remember everything, but James still wouldn’t. Can I really handle loving him completely when he’s still so new to accepting us? Or what if we never really loved each other at all? What if Realm was wrong about that?
I could give James the pill, but what if he finds some horrible truth about Brady or me or his mother? He could realize that there really isn’t anyone to trust. Maybe we all betrayed each other.
It’s like I hold a lifetime in my fingers. I’d be complete, but at the same time . . . what if I don’t like who I was?
I look to the sky where the sun has set, leaving the clouds streaked in the same shade of orange as the pill. Realm has given me a gift—a choice. He’s given me his friendship, his love, and in my way, I love him back. But he said I wouldn’t forgive him for the things I’d find lost in my head. Do I believe that? Do I believe him?
Tears race down my cheeks, and I stare down, one small object so full of information. Life. Loss. Right now, I have what I need. I have James. A way out of here. But this could all be a lie, a hanging string to be pulled, unraveling everything.
Can I stand knowing what happened to my brother that day? James and I were there, but we hadn’t stopped it. There’s the slash on my wrist. The way my mother looks at me, filled with concern and knowledge. God, what if I was a horrible person? Maybe . . . maybe that’s why I wanted to die. Maybe I was the reason James wanted to die.
A small whimper escapes my lips as I let the pill drop back into the bag. I want to crush it under the heel of my shoe, but I’m terrified that I’ll change my mind later. So I fold the bag into a small plastic square and stuff it into the back pocket of my jeans. I won’t take it, but I won’t destroy it, either. At least not yet.
And with that choice, my heart breaks. I’m saying good-bye to who I used to be. Who I can never really be again. The people I once knew are different. Some are changed like me, others are dead. Knowing that can only bring me more pain. More agony.
I miss Realm, and I’m glad I won’t know what he doesn’t want me to remember. This way, I’ll forever keep him as my friend and hero. There’s nothing wrong with that.