And then I know it, feel it inside. “James,” I say, choking up as the realization slides over me. “My parents are the ones who sent me to The Program in the first place. I think . . .” And the idea is horrible. The fact that they betrayed me like that. “I think my mother is the one who did this to me.”
I can still see her face when I’d told her off the morning Kevin was waiting at the front door. And I know I’ve seen it before, that look of stubborn love that makes her think she’s doing the right thing. Kevin took me to The Program from my own house, which means my parents had to be in on it.
James’s expression is pained and he chews on his lip. “Call home,” he says. “Call home and put it on speaker.”
“What? Why?”
“So I can listen.”
I’m terrified of what will happen. I check the clock and see that it’s nearly six. My fingers shake as I dial. James glides the car into the empty lot of an abandoned farm, and parks.
I blow out an unsteady breath, clicking on the speaker just as it starts to ring. My mother answers immediately, and I almost hang up.
“Hi,” I say.
“Sloane! Where are you? We’ve been so worried.” In the background there is a rustling, making me think she’s covering up the receiver. I swallow hard.
“I’m okay,” I tell my mother. “It was such a beautiful day; I thought I’d go swimming.”
“I need you to come home, honey,” my mother says calmly. She doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I can’t swim. My breath is caught in my throat.
“Hang up,” James says then. “Hang up the phone.”
“Who is that?” my mother shouts quickly. “Sloane, who are you with?”
I click END, and then lower the phone to my lap. “She wasn’t alone, was she?” I ask, too devastated to look up.
“No. I don’t think so.”
I let the realization hit me. I know my mother loves me; I’m sure I’ve always know that. And in her heart, she believes in The Program. And because of that . . . I can never trust her again.
“Sloane,” James says. “It’s going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
I meet his eyes. “Promise.”
“Yes.”
“Do you think you promised that before?” I want to tell him then, tell him about us. But he seems hurt that I asked him about before, like I’ve accused him of something.
“If I’d promised you, Sloane, then they wouldn’t have taken you to The Program. I would have died trying to protect you. I wouldn’t have let you down. I’d hate myself if I did.” He shakes his head as if he can get rid of the thought. “No, I’m promising it now—even if it means running away. Hiding out for the rest of our lives. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. Can you trust that?” James’s face is scared.
And I don’t know what happened to land us in The Program, but the truth is, we did let each other down one way or another. We didn’t make it. But I have James back, here and now, as mine.
I grab him by the collar of his shirt, letting the phone fall to the floor. I pull James to me, kissing him hard. His hand is in my hair as he kisses me back. The sky is darkening from the setting sun, but we climb into the backseat, yanking at each other’s clothes, tongues tangling in a heat that I know I could never have with anyone else. This could be the last time I see him. This could be the end.
• • •
“I think I broke my femur,” James says, as he lies underneath me. “On the console when you were attacking me? I think I broke it.”
I laugh. “Shut up.”
“I didn’t mind, though,” he says conversationally. “Like when you bit my shoulder. It was—”
I reach up and put my hand over his mouth, not moving it even after he licks my fingers. “Shut. Up.” As if agreeing, he pulls me closer, resting his cheek on the top of my head. When it’s quiet, I move my palm and rest it on his chest.
“It was nice,” he whispers, but not jokingly. “It wasn’t weird, either. And that’s . . . kind of weird.”
I close my eyes. “It’s like we’ve been here before,” I say quietly, wondering if he knows the truth.
He doesn’t answer and I put my elbow in the corner of the seat, rising up to stare down at him. He smiles when I do, looking completely and utterly in love with me. “You brought protection,” I say. “Expecting this?”
“No,” he says. “But it’s good to be prepared.”
“You expected this.”
“I hoped, maybe.”
“James!”
“What? I got you a ring!”
I’m still laughing as I lower my head to his neck, resting it there and letting the night fall around us. We’ve probably set off every red flag there is, and yet, I’m not sure I’d change any of it. Being here with James is just—
“You’re right, you know,” he says. “You’re just right for me. And I’d bet my life that we’ve done this before. Because I can’t imagine I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you the first time.”
I smile, looking at the pink ring on my finger, at the fading scar on my wrist, and I think that we’ve been through a lot to get here. And I’m never going back.
• • •
Once we’re dressed and driving again, James stops at the gas station to get us snacks, our improvised dinner. I called Lacey, but when she didn’t pick up I tried her house. Her mother said she was out on a date. I’m just hanging up when James returns with a paper bag filled with beef jerky and a map of local campsites.
This is dangerous. We’ve screwed up pretty big, and yet we’re not trying to change course. Clearly we’ve both lost our minds. My thoughts turn to my parents. Even though I’m angry, I can imagine my father sitting on my bed, staring out my window and wondering if I’m okay, or if I’ve killed myself. My mother is probably on the phone with The Program, begging for them to save me.
I’ve let them down, and obviously not for the first time. After all, they had thought the only course of action was The Program. They let them change me.
“Hey,” James says quietly. I look at him and see the way he watches me, filled with worry. “You’re wasting perfectly good protein.” He motions to the Slim Jim in my hand and smiles, but it’s forced. It’s his way of calming me, I think.