I pictured Dmitri by himself on that deck, gazing up at the moon. Lucía had said he was a lone-wolf type. Just like the beast from fairy tales, Dmitri didn’t want to be.
I took his fist in both of my hands and pressed a kiss to the back of it. “No longer.”
His brows drew together. “No longer.”
“Please go on. I want to know more about you.”
Seeming resigned to sharing, he continued, “Before I hit thirty, I’d made a fortune, but I derived no satisfaction from it. The money was like some grotesque entity, growing faster than I could ever spend it. My wealth mocked me, because the more I had, the more I became aware of what money couldn’t buy: sanity, companionship, a family of my own.”
And that explained why he was so adamant about spending it.
“Eventually I comprehended I was the only thing getting in the way of Maksim’s happiness, and that I would always be a burden to him. A year ago, I made arrangements to check myself into a permanent facility in California, but on the way there, I decided to permanently check myself out. A life avoiding pleasure isn’t worth living. I was done.”
He’d been suicidal again just a year ago? “What happened?”
“A weather front forced the plane to touch down in Las Vegas. We were grounded until the next day. I figured, why not stay the weekend and drink myself into oblivion one last time?”
“Did you make another suicide attempt?”
He shook his head. “That night I had an epiphany, as if light touched all the darkened corners of my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking: What if I might have what Maksim did? It may sound strange, but I wanted to have someone I’d face a loaded gun for.”
Crazy, beautiful man.
“Maksim had turned his existence around because he had incentive: Lucía. Aleks too had changed his life because of Natalie. What if my woman was alive and well, only waiting for me to find her? I made a commitment to right my life and become a man worthy of a woman such as yourself.”
Oh, Dmitri.
“I stopped taking those pills. They were dangerous and had been recalled in most countries. I improved dramatically just from that. I began working out and eating better. I studied sex to compensate for my limited experience.”
And his piercing had made him “different” than he’d been—when abused by Orloff. “You had your scar removed.”
He nodded. “I would never want to embarrass my woman in public. I organized my business, becoming more efficient, so I would have more time for the enjoyment I hoped would come. I bought this house, all to prepare for a wife and a life I didn’t yet have.”
He’d prepared himself for me. Well, not for me, necessarily, but for a future wife. “And you offered an olive branch to Aleks.”
“Da. I began to comprehend the importance of family. Presenting a unified front is a very powerful thing, no? Then, a few months ago, I swallowed my pride to get his assistance with business matters that were crucial to me. He gladly used all his power and connections to help me. In the course of our dealings, I learned more about his life on the streets before Kovalev found him. Aleks had endured his own trials. We came to an understanding, and he has been helping me ever since.”
“It took you a year before you found me?”
“You and I met a year later. Everything Maksim had told me—everything I’d scorned as idiotic—was true. I’d once asked him how I would recognize my woman. Theoretically. He’d said, ‘You’ll feel as if you’ve been struck by lightning.’ That was an understatement. From the moment I saw you, I knew.”
Dmitri’s first word to me: “You . . .” This man believed I was his soul mate.
“Vika, I wouldn’t have been right for you before. You would hardly have recognized me.” He turned to me fully. I imagined him feeling physically and emotionally open after revealing his secrets. “Even after my changes, I would have liked more time to prepare for you; I still feared drifting. I’d never experienced sexual pleasure with another and not dissociated. The more pleasure, the more detachment. But there you were.”
“When we hooked up in the bathroom . . .”
“I wanted to believe I would respond to you differently, but I decided not to push my luck by coming. Yet then you were too arousing. I had to release. I went mindless in a completely new way”—he held my gaze—“and I remembered every blistering second with you.”
I inhaled sharply. “You really never had before?”
He shook his head. “In your apartment, the same thing happened when I came: pure pleasure. But on our wedding night, when you went to your knees and sucked me, I realized there were yet more heights with you.”
“That’s why you stopped.”
“Yes. I called Maksim, railing because he’d assured me things could be different once I found my woman. I told him I couldn’t risk dissociating forever and never knowing you.” Dmitri gazed past me as he said, “I just like . . . being with you.”
I like being with you too.
He faced me again. “But Maksim said, ‘Your wife deserves a full life, with everything that entails.’ I decided you would have your wedding night if it killed me. For the first time, someone else’s pleasure was more important than my own. Nothing was going to stop me from taking you. So after a lifetime of desperately fighting that dissociation, I stopped.”
“You risked permanently losing yourself for me?” For a woman he’d known for mere days at that point? He was either the craziest man I’d ever met or the bravest.