I would be happy if Olivia were here.
And then the doctor asked me if I knew who I was and I said no. I just said no. I made that decision in a split second because I didn’t know who I was without you and I knew that I had to try to find you. I lied to Leah, my family, and none of it mattered to me because my amnesia bought me time and an excuse. I went everywhere I knew you would go. The day you saw me in the music store, I knew you would be there; I had this feeling. I was still shocked, not because you showed up, but because you came right over and pretended that you hadn’t seen me standing there before you came in.”
I smile. He saw through me even then.
“But why didn’t you just tell me, Caleb? What could I have said after everything I did to you?”
Scenes were flashing in my memory like a jerky movie. Caleb calling me Duchess accidentally. Caleb bringing me my favorite flowers the night Leah crashed our dinner date. Caleb saying “I never forgot you” in the courtroom on the day of my birthday.
He pursed his beautiful lips.
“Because I wanted to go back to the beginning. I wanted us to have a clean start. And then you left—”
“And then I left,” I repeat. I wasn’t going to tell him about Leah, about how she pretty much drove me out of town. That was pointless and it would only hurt him.
“So, why did you find me again to be her lawyer? What in the world possessed you to do that?”
He laughs.
“I wanted to torture you. I wanted you to pay for leaving me a second time. I only ended up torturing myself, of course.”
“No, I was pretty tortured,” I smile. “And just think, I could have her in prison right now, with you all to myself.”
He looks at me in amusement.
“So, you still love me?” he teases, reaching out and tucking my hair behind my ear.
“More than anything,” I say. “I was waiting for you—for years. I didn’t live. I just waited for you to come back.”
He squeezes his eyes shut and I know that he is thinking what I am thinking. What if?
He pulls me to his chest and holds me there.“I love you too, Olivia. More than I could ever love another soul. There hasn’t been a single hour in seven years that I haven’t thought of you.”
I cry into his shirt. If only I could die right now, then I would never have to live without him, I would just be gone.
“Don’t cry,” he says, gently lifting my face to look at him.
“You will forever be loved first, nothing will change that.”
“But what does it matter if I can’t be with you?” I wail. “I can’t live without you.”
“But you have,” he smiles, though it is a sad smile. “You have and you will.”
I nod bravely because it’s true. Life always keeps moving even if it has to drag you along, kicking and screaming.
“Don’t forget me either,” he says. I laugh now at the ridiculousness of that.
“That would be impossible.”
“Okay,” he smiles and then he leans his head down and kisses me. It is the last real kiss of my life. I forever cling to that kiss. It was goodbye and I’m sorry and I love you so much. When it is done, he presses his forehead to my own one last time and then he is gone.
I am broken.
Epilogue
How did I get here? Where have the last ten years of my life gone? I feel like a piece of paper, taken by the wind and blown in every direction. I am a victor in a way—a survivor. Because I fought the monster in myself and I won. But what have I lost in the process?
I do not deceive—not anymore. Truth is important to me. How sad that something of such worth only became a priority when it was too late. I altered the course of my life, because I was afraid. I am still afraid. Caleb was like a hurricane that swept through my life, stirring up things inside of me that I never knew existed. He is a longing I will never cure.
At thirty years old I am sitting in the Bridal chamber in my wedding gown. I haven’t a clue as to who I am, because who I was before was a bad person and who I am now is undecided. I lost myself, but yet I had never found myself. I am very saddened by the fact that I wasted so much time. I know that it is not too late to figure things out, to find what I love, and who I am. But, then again, I am not sure that I want to know. I am afraid that I missed who I could have been. Yes, I still love him with all my heart. But I fought and I fought and I tore into pieces what should have been protected and nurtured. Life balances itself on a precarious ledge, we can stay safe up high or propel off the edge. Noah tells me that all the time. Noah, who has taught me to be good, gentle, and has shown me so much truth about myself. I changed for Noah, because I didn’t dare hurt another person who loved me. I will have a good life with him. I adore him. But he doesn’t have my heart. You can only give your heart away once, after that, everything else will chase your first love.
I have finally accepted that there are consequences to every action. I earned them and they are rightfully mine. There is no time to make bad decisions. Every step is precious. The definition of living is mine.
And so, I think once more of him before I leave the room because, after today, I have to send him away as well. He is happy and I am satisfied with that because I have finally learned to love someone more than myself. I hear the bridal waltz— my cue. I stand in front of the closed doors of the church and for a second, as they swing open, I see Caleb. He is at the altar waiting for me. I blink twice and things are back as they should be. Noah is beaming at me. Cammie is crying. I take my first step and then my second and right before the door closes, I look once more over my shoulder. Caleb is still under the tree, he winks at me, and I smile.