She smiled and placed a small kiss on my broken heart. I sucked in a harsh breath before placing my fingers under her chin and tilting it up to me and pushing my lips hard against hers. She gasped as the length of me pressed against her and she could feel how badly I wanted her. My hand trailed up her spine, tickling her and causing her body to bow into mine. I smiled against her lips as I found the clasp to her bra and unhooked it, letting it fall loose across her chest. My fingers wandered over her shoulders, pulling the straps down her arms with them. She moved back a fraction of a step to let it fall to the floor before pressing herself back against me. I groaned and turned us so her back was to the couch before lowering her down and resting my weight on top of her.
“I’m going to miss you so much.” My forehead was on hers as we both took in the magnitude of what was happening between us.
“Shh…” She pressed her lips up to mine as I settled between her thighs. Flimsy scraps of fabric were the only thing separating our bodies, my dog tags hung down on her chest. The cold, tiny piece of metal was a stark contrast from the heat radiating between us. My tongue pushed against hers as her hips raised and grinded against mine. Her hands ran over the muscles of my back as they pulled and stretched under my skin. I trailed tiny kisses over her jaw and down her throat. She tilted her head to the side as her nails dug into my skin. She was desperate to be closer, but I was taking my time, tasting every inch of her, memorizing her body with my lips. I ran my tongue down the length of her collarbone, locking my eyes on to hers. I slid my hand up her waist and cupped the weight of her breast, rolling my thumb over her nipple causing it to pebble under my calloused finger. My lips replaced my rough finger as I pulled her nipple into my mouth. Her fingers found their way to my hair. I didn’t want her to feel like we had to do this just because I was leaving. I pulled back and looked down at her.
“We don’t have to do this tonight.” My fingers splayed across her stomach. I wanted her more than I wanted my next breath, but not if it would make this harder for her.
Jenn reached between us, her eyes locked on mine as she looped her fingers in her white cotton panties and slid them over her hips. My lips crushed into hers painfully hard, causing them to swell under my kiss as I shoved down my gray boxers and kicked them onto the floor, pulling her panties over her feet and tossing them as well. She hitched her leg over my hip as my fingers tangled into her messy brown hair. She raised her head to meet mine, and I pulled back slightly to look in her eyes as I slowly pushed against her entrance. Her eyes fell closed as her body adjusted to me.
“Look at me,” I whispered as my body stilled.
Her eyes slowly opened, brimming with tears as everything that was happening overwhelmed her.
“I’m hurting you.” I pulled back, but her hands gripped my back, her nails digging into my flesh.
“No. Please don’t stop. I need you.”
It felt so good to hear her say she needed me as much as I needed her. I lowered my face to hers and kissed her softly on the lips as her hips rocked into mine until I filled her completely.
The sound of our heavy breathing and the quiet jingling of my dog tags as we moved together filled the room. I forced myself to keep my eyes open so I could memorize every curve of her face. I wanted the image burned so deeply in my memory that when I closed my eyes to sleep at night, she would be the last thing I saw and the first person on my mind when I woke.
Our bodies worked together as all of the wanting and need built inside of us until it was unbearable.
“Shane,” she whimpered. My lips brushed over her forehead and she was unable to hold her eyes open any longer as waves of pleasure rippled through her body. My breathing was heavy and ragged as I kept my pace steady, making sure she had experienced every last wave of release before I gave in to my own.
My body fell heavily against hers, covered in a thin veil of sweat. I brushed her hair back from her dampened forehead and traced the arch of her eyebrow with my thumb.
“So beautiful.” I kissed her closed eyelid as she smiled.
“You make me feel beautiful.” Her eyes slowly opened as she watched me study her face.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t.”
“Do you have any idea how hard this is going to be for you?” I pushed off her and grabbed my boxers, pulling them on quickly. I grabbed the Christmas blanket that lay draped over the back of the couch and pulled it over her body. She stood and pressed her body against mine from behind, wrapping her arms around my waist.
“It’s going to be okay. I promise you.” She kissed my back as my hands came up to hold hers.
“I can’t lose you now, Jenn. I didn’t even know I wanted anyone else until I met you. I was perfectly happy being on my own. Now I can’t even stand to think about what it will be like to walk away from you.”
“It’s not forever, Shane. I have been waiting my entire life for someone to look at me the way you do. I can wait a few more months.”
I turned around, wrapping her in my arms as I breathed in the smell of vanilla mixed with my minty soap.
“I know exactly how I want us to spend our last day together.” I smiled as she pulled back to look at me quizzically. “I want to hold on to you until they pry you from my arms.”
She smiled and took me by the hand, leading me into her bedroom, her blanket falling open and revealing her backside. I laughed as I shook my head and kicked the door closed behind us.
Jenn
March 27 2010, Saturday
“We haven’t had enough time.” Shane wiped away the streams of tears that flowed endlessly down my cheeks. He placed his hand on the back of my neck and pulled my forehead against his.
“We have all the time in the world, sunshine. I’ll be back before you know it.” He closed his eyes and struggled to level his breathing. I knew he didn’t want to cry in front of me. He was going to miss the hell out of me and was terrified that I would find it too hard to wait, like Chelsea.
I nodded, sniffling as my hands found their way to his chest. I tried to memorize the rapid thudding of his heartbeat in his chest. It was like the beat of a song that only played for me.
“Shane,” my voice cracked as my fingers tangled in his ACU top, “I will wait for you.”
“I know,” he whispered as his other hand came up to stroke my hair. He pulled his face back from mine and gave me a weak smile as he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe the tears from my face. “You’re so beautiful, you know that? Even when you cry. So beautiful. I’m going to miss your face.”
I let out a sob and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck, pressing my body against his. He let his duffle bag slip from his fingers as he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me against him.
“It’s only six months. I’ll be back in September. I’ll come back to you, I promise. I need you to take care of Roxy for me, okay?”
“Okay. I promise.”
He pulled his face back from mine and kissed me hard on my lips, lingering for an extra moment.
“I have to go.” He pulled out a small piece of paper from his pocket and placed it in my palm, curling my fingers around it. “I was awake all night thinking about this moment. I couldn’t come up with the right words to take away your pain. I want you to read this whenever you’re sad. Whenever you read it, know that I am thinking about you. No matter where I go or what I am doing, I will be thinking about you.”
I nodded and took a step back as I retrieved his bag from the ground. His eyes lingered on me for another moment before he turned and made his way to his gate.
As he stepped inside the terminal, my fingers shook as I unfolded the paper. It read: INDIA LIMA YANKEE. I glanced up at Shane, who had turned around, watching my look of confusion turn to understanding.
“I love you, too!” I mouthed. A sad smile spread across his lips before he nodded and disappeared.
The tears immediately flooded my eyes again, and I left the airport as fast as my feet could take me.
I’m not sure how I even made it home. My thoughts raced with memories of Shane. He was intimidating and harsh. He was caring and sweet. He was mine and I hated having to let him go. As I opened the door to my apartment, Roxy greeted me with her tail wagging. My place felt empty and my heart was hollow as I sank to the floor and wrapped my arms around the dog’s neck and hugged her.
I have always considered myself to be strong, even when the odds were stacked against me, but I felt like I was only hanging on by a thread. I’d forgotten how to breathe without inhaling the minty smell of his soap. I forgot how to feel without looking into his blue eyes. He awoke something inside of me that I didn’t even know I had locked away.
I loved him.
Shane
March 27 2010, Saturday, 11:34 a.m.
Sitting on a plane surrounded by so many people but feeling hopelessly alone. That’s how I felt after having to say good-bye to Jenn. I had no intention of meeting someone and giving away my heart again. She blindsided me. I just wanted to help her, to make her smile. But she was stronger than anyone I had ever met. I was the one who needed to be saved.
I didn’t want to go back to Iraq. I wanted to be with her. I finally felt like I had a place in the world and it wasn’t on a battlefield. I know I didn’t deserve her and I would forever be trying to be worthy of her love. It would be worth it. Every smile, every giggle that passed through her lips healed me. Our paths crossed for a reason. Everything that had happened up to this point had all happened to bring Jenn and me together. I wouldn’t change it. I would gladly let Chelsea rip my heart out a million times if Jenn would be there to put the pieces back together for me.
“Where are you headed, son?” an older gentleman asked as I stared out of the tiny window, wondering if Jenn had made it home safely.
“War.”
“That’s a tough trip to make.” He flipped through the pages of his newspaper as his eyes danced over the tiny print.
“Yeah,” I sighed, as I rubbed my palms over my ACU pants.
“Even harder to leave someone behind.” His eyes glanced in my direction, and I nodded as a lump formed in my throat. “Do you love her?” he asked as he went back to glancing over the news.
“So much.”
“Focus on that. Don’t focus on where you’re headed. Think about what is waiting for you when you get back. Makes the time go faster.”
“You’ve been deployed?”
“Nah,” he chuckled as he turned the page. “But I’ve been to prison.”
I laughed and shook my head as the flight attendant made her rounds to offer us refreshments.
“What if she doesn’t wait?”
“Then it wasn’t meant to be. You can’t force love. You can’t control how someone else feels. You just have to enjoy it while it lasts and hope the ride doesn’t end.”
“Wise words.” I took a bottle of water from the flight attendant and thanked her.
“I had some time to think. I imagine you will have a lot as well. Don’t use it dwelling on the ‘what ifs’ in life.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you for your service,” he replied before we went back to our silence.
Jenn
March 28, 2010
“Hello?” I wiped my hand over my eyes as I yawned into the phone.
“Time to wake up!”
“May?” I sat up on my bed and pushed my hair from my face. “What’s wrong? Have you heard from Shane?”
“No, sweetheart. He’s probably still in transit. He made me promise not to let you mope around missing him.”
I sighed and squeezed my eyes closed, struggling to keep my composure.
“Your sister’s wedding is today, Jenn. You can’t miss something like that.”
“The hell I can’t. She’s marrying my ex.”
“He’s your past, Jenn. Shane is your future.”
“Fine. On one condition. You come with me.”
There was a long pause as May sighed into the phone.
“Come on. You can’t send me in their alone. I need a battle buddy too.”
“Get dressed. I’ll be right over. This should be entertaining. It’s not every day your brother-in-law’s sort of girlfriend’s sister marries her ex-boyfriend.”
“Right. We should get drunk first.”
“Oh, no. I am not going to explain to Shane why I need bail money. We can stop for drinks afterward.”
“See ya in twenty?”
“I’ll be there. Jenn? Shane gave me a message for you. He said to open the bottom drawer of your nightstand.”
I hung up my cell and tossed it next to me on the bed. I tossed the covers to the side and pushed out of bed. I pulled open the bottom drawer of my nightstand slowly. Inside was a CD. I flipped it over in my hand as I read over the cover: OWL CITY: OCEAN EYES. I flipped it over and read over the songs. “Fireflies” was the song playing in the arcade the first time Shane and I kissed. I smiled as I remembered how his lips felt against mine. I could do this. A wedding paled in comparison to having to wait for Shane.
I grabbed the hideous hunter-green dress from my closet and threw myself together in record time. I didn’t care about looking my best. I knew inside I would be dying.
It didn’t take long for May to be at the door knocking. I hurried down the hall and pulled it open.
“You look amazing.” May smiled, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek.
“I look like Astroturf.” I rolled my eyes and May burst out in a fit of giggles.
“Well, as long as you’re not playing the field.” May winked. “Now come on, tell me I’m a hot mama.” She spun around showing off her pale blue gown that hung just below her knees.