"I had only one motive for shrinking from an appearance at the
theatre--but it was strong enough to induce me to submit to any
alternative that remained, no matter how hopeless it might be. If I
showed myself on the public stage, my discovery by the man from whom
I had escaped would be only a question of time. I knew him to be
habitually a play-goer and a subscriber to a theatrical newspaper. I had
even heard him speak of the theatre to which my friend was attached,
and compare it advantageously with places of amusement of far higher
pretensions. Sooner or later, if I joined the company he would be
certain to go and see 'the new actress.' The bare thought of it
reconciled me to returning to my needle. Before I was strong enough to
endure the atmosphere of the crowded workroom I obtained permission, as
a favor, to resume my occupation at home.
"Surely my choice was the choice of a virtuous girl? And yet the day
when I returned to my needle was the fatal day of my life.
"I had now not only to provide for the wants of the passing hour--I had
my debts to pay. It was only to be done by toiling harder than ever, and
by living more poorly than ever. I soon paid the penalty, in my weakened
state, of leading such a life as this. One evening my head turned
suddenly giddy; my heart throbbed frightfully. I managed to open the
window, and to let the fresh air into the room, and I felt better. But I
was not sufficiently recovered to be able to thread my needle. I thought
to myself, 'If I go out for half an hour, a little exercise may put me
right again.' I had not, as I suppose, been out more than ten minutes
when the attack from which I had suffered in my room was renewed. There
was no shop near in which I could take refuge. I tried to ring the bell
of the nearest house door. Before I could reach it I fainted in the
street.
"How long hunger and weakness left me at the mercy of the first stranger
who might pass by, it is impossible for me to say.
"When I partially recovered my senses I was conscious of being under
shelter somewhere, and of having a wine-glass containing some cordial
drink held to my lips by a man. I managed to swallow--I don't know how
little, or how much. The stimulant had a very strange effect on me.
Reviving me at first, it ended in stupefying me. I lost my senses once
more.
"When I next recovered myself, the day was breaking. I was in a bed in
a strange room. A nameless terror seized me. I called out. Three or four
women came in, whose faces betrayed, even to my inexperienced eyes, the
shameless infamy of their lives. I started up in the bed. I implored
them to tell me where I was, and what had happened-"Spare me! I can say no more. Not long since you heard Miss Roseberry
call me an outcast from the streets. Now you know--as God is my judge
I am speaking the truth!--now you know what made me an outcast, and in
what measure I deserved my disgrace."