He grabbed me and held fast, and as I struggled he secured me by wrapping fishing wire around my wrists. He was clearly practiced in such matters, for, however much I tried, I couldn’t slip out of the knots. I cursed him, but he didn’t care. He pushed me onto the floor.
Before I knew what was happening he swiftly moved a hand between my legs. I tried my best to get away and scramble toward the door to the street. The doctor, however, held fast. When he pawed at me he was real enough, a demon perhaps, but not a dream. Perhaps that was a monster’s fate, and the fortune my father said I had brought onto myself.
The tortoise was scratching in the sand, and I felt embarrassed that this ancient creature bore witness to my degradation.
“This is what I’m here for,” the doctor murmured as he reached his fingers inside my most private area. The man whom I wanted had refused to take me when I offered myself to him. He believed I was an innocent, and now I realized that, until this very day, I had been.
I fought against my horrid inquisitor, but my actions seemed to arouse him more. The fishing wire was cutting into me and drew lines of blood at my wrists. Some pooled on the floor.
“It’s red,” the doctor said, delighted. “I thought you might have the clear blood of an icefish, or the blue blood of a horseshoe crab.”
He brought out a glass tube and swiftly dashed some of my blood into it, so that he might study it, comparing it to the blood of bluefish and sturgeon, perhaps alongside the blood of his wife so that he might see which species I most resembled. I now understood how it was possible to stop thinking of a man as a human being, enough so that you might wish to take his life. Seeing the scalpel that had fallen to the floor nearby, I grasped for it, but he kicked it from my reach.
“We kill our fish, and slit them open,” the doctor said. “You had better act like a woman if you want what’s best.”
He held me round the waist as he spoke these horrid sentiments. He acted as if he owned me, and I cried out, with shock and humiliation. The doctor held fast. He felt inside me and was pleased. “I can take you now and tell your father that I found you a ruined woman. He’d never know the difference.”
The doctor wore a fine linen jacket that he tore off and left crumpled beside us, as well as tweed pants that he began to unbutton. I could feel his sex against me, and I knew what he intended. But I did not turn into rain or dew as I had during the nighttime shows. I was not an actress on a stage, and I did not disappear, leaving my body there for him to do with whatever he wished. I reached behind me, inching my clasped hands along until I grasped the scalpel. He might think I was only a woman or a fish, but I was nothing of the kind. I was a monster’s daughter. I cut the fishing wire from my wrists, so quickly I nicked myself. I drew more blood, but I no longer cared. I pierced his forearm, admittedly with some pleasure, for the stab had immediate effects. He yowled and let go as if he had had fire in his embrace rather than flesh and blood.
“You little bitch,” the doctor said as he rose to his feet. There was blood staining his shirt from the fresh wound. “Your father will punish you for this. I’ll tell him what a demoness he has for a daughter.”
I grabbed the shovel we used to clean the tortoise’s pen. Before the doctor could walk away and find the Professor and tell him lies, I hit him squarely on the back. When he fell, he covered his face with his hands. Just as I suspected. A coward. He appeared related to the horseshoe crab as he hunched over, and between the two of us he was more likely to be the one with blue blood. I could not help but wonder if a well-placed shovel could break his spine, if it would then shatter like a black, hardened shell, bits flying everywhere. But I then imagined who he went home to—a wife, daughters, a faithful dog, a nurse who did his every bidding, a line of patients, each hoping for a cure. I did not strike again, though I kept the shovel in my hand.
I pushed the notebook and pen toward him.
“Write your review of me,” I said. “Tell my father I am not ruined.”
He did so as I stood over him. He did not dare look at me as he scrawled his testimony that I was indeed a virgin. He tore the page from his journal and left it for me.
I unlocked the door to the street that our customers came through. The doctor grabbed for his coat, but I stood upon it. I wanted the world to see the blood on him.
“Leave as you are,” I told him.
When he’d gone, I locked the door. I folded his coat, which I would later throw on the trash pile in our yard. I still felt tainted by the doctor’s intent and by his touch. I yearned for a cleansing, and so I went to my tank and climbed inside. I felt a sort of relief as soon as I was in the water, as if