"Yes?"
"Suppose you discovered that woman to be utterly unworthy of you?
Suppose you were quite convinced that it was a disgrace to you to waste
another thought on her? Suppose the bare idea of ever marrying such a
person made your face burn, only with thinking of it."
"Yes?"
"And, suppose, in spite of all that--you couldn't tear her from your
heart? Suppose the feeling she had roused in you (in the time when you
believed in her) was not a feeling to be hidden? Suppose the love this
wretch had inspired in you? Oh, how can I find words to say it in! How
can I make a MAN understand that a feeling which horrifies me at myself,
can be a feeling that fascinates me at the same time? It's the breath
of my life, Godfrey, and it's the poison that kills me--both in one!
Go away! I must be out of my mind to talk as I am talking now. No! you
mustn't leave me--you mustn't carry away a wrong impression. I must say
what is to be said in my own defence. Mind this! HE doesn't know--he
never will know, what I have told you. I will never see him--I don't
care what happens--I will never, never, never see him again! Don't ask
me his name! Don't ask me any more! Let's change the subject. Are you
doctor enough, Godfrey, to tell me why I feel as if I was stifling for
want of breath? Is there a form of hysterics that bursts into words
instead of tears? I dare say! What does it matter? You will get over any
trouble I have caused you, easily enough now. I have dropped to my right
place in your estimation, haven't I? Don't notice me! Don't pity me! For
God's sake, go away!"
She turned round on a sudden, and beat her hands wildly on the back of
the ottoman. Her head dropped on the cushions; and she burst out crying.
Before I had time to feel shocked, at this, I was horror-struck by an
entirely unexpected proceeding on the part of Mr. Godfrey. Will it
be credited that he fell on his knees at her feet?--on BOTH knees, I
solemnly declare! May modesty mention that he put his arms round her
next? And may reluctant admiration acknowledge that he electrified her
with two words?
"Noble creature!"
No more than that! But he did it with one of the bursts which have made
his fame as a public speaker. She sat, either quite thunderstruck, or
quite fascinated--I don't know which--without even making an effort to
put his arms back where his arms ought to have been. As for me, my sense
of propriety was completely bewildered. I was so painfully uncertain
whether it was my first duty to close my eyes, or to stop my ears, that
I did neither. I attribute my being still able to hold the curtain in
the right position for looking and listening, entirely to suppressed
hysterics. In suppressed hysterics, it is admitted, even by the doctors,
that one must hold something.